I just want to die

This isn’t a poem

Just a way to get my mind off things

I want to die

My boyfriend doesn’t understand

I wanted him of all people to see

But obviously he doesn’t

He doesn’t really care about me

It’s obvious to see

I already almost killed myself tonight

I slit my throat but it didn’t work

I wish it did but it didn’t

I have cuts all over my body and my boyfriend doesn’t even notice the new ones

I wish he did but he doesn’t

I wish I wasn’t so alone but I am

No one cares

I wish someone did but they don’t

I guess I don’t care either

I just wanna die

But it’s like my body doesn’t understand what death is

I’m sorry everyone

But it doesn’t matter if I die or not.

My boyfriend doesn’t care,

So why should I?

Once again,

I am sitting here writing with a broken heart.

I wish I could say I have healed from a year ago,

But I can’t.

I thought he would be different than everyone else.

I fell in love with him.

I guess you could call him a crazy man.

Yeah.. I guess I did fall for a crazy man.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t, cause without feelings.. I can’t get hurt.

I just want this pain to stop.

I want it to all go

Like everyone else in my life.

Maybe I am meant to be alone...forever.

I can't seem to find the thing that makes Me happy

I thought I did but.. he turned around and destroyed me

Another one left me in the dust

I thought it was more than just lust

But yet another showed me how worthless I really I am to people 

Now no matter what people say.. I won't be able to trust them

I feel now that I'm supposed to be lonely forever

Sad forever 

I don't want to be alone to deal with this madness

I need help but have found no one

I am alone. 

I've been left behind once again 

Led to believe I was actually wanted and needed 

Just to be told that I'm not good enough 

That I'll be left behind 

Even though he kissed me 

He told me he shouldn't have gotten too attached 

He shouldn't have spent so much time

That he found a different path 

One I could not go down 

One he wanted to tread alone despite his loneliness 

Now I'm here broken again 

Left Behind 

Are you Okay? 

What are you supposed to say to That? I never know what to say to that question. 

I always answer with 

Yes I'm fine. 

That's the only way I can think of saying 

Even when I want to open up and pour out everything I'm feeling only that word 'fine' comes out. 

Like right now.. all I keep telling myself is that I'm fine. 

Just because I feel like I'm losing everything and everyone.. I'm fine.

I've always ever been fine. 

I feel like everyone.. even the girl I thought was my best friend.. has been trying to keep their distance from me.. and leave me.. like everyone else has.

So yeah.. I guess I am.. 'okay'

I am not the same 

Although I grab that blade 

I can not make a mark

I wish I could so I wouldn't have to live like this anymore

But something in my mind makes me stop

I don't want to stop.. I want it to end

I want to stop breathing.. it'd make people's lives much better I'm sure..

Besides that's all they're looking for

So yes I am not the same.. I'm quiet and more observing

I do not trust as easily as I used too

I do not believe in such a thing as love anymore 

I am not the same

What if I told you

Who I really was 

What if I let you in on my charade?

What if I told you

What was really going on

No more masks and no more parts to play

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

Every little secret that I hide behind

Would you see me differently?

And would that be such a bad thing

I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

What if I told you

That its just a front

To hide the insecurities I have

What if I told you

That I'm not as strong

As I like to make believe I am

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

Every little secret that I hide behind

Would you see me differently?

And would that be such a bad thing

I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

Oh if I told you

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

Every little secret that I hide behind

Oh would you see me differently?

And would that be such a bad thing

I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

What if I told you

What if I told you

What would it be like

What would it be like

If I told you

Oh what if I told you

Oh I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

I said one thing and I lost my friend

Pain.

I stopped right after and he still declined

Pain. 

He confirmed that there has been stuff going around about me

Pain. 

All of which he told me were incorrect

Pain. 

Just rumors

Pain. 

And I know this..

Pain.

But I still took that blade

Pain. 

My friend

Pain. 

I lost

Pain.

I hurt

Pain.

I caused myself

Pain. 

I'm sitting here right now on the verge of tears.

I'm sitting here wondering when it'll stop.

I'm sitting here stuck in my memories just because of something someone did.

They touched me.. again 

It keeps sending me back in my memories. 

They won't stop flooding in. 

I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of not being able to protect myself. 

I'm tired of feeling alone.

I'm tired of not having anyone I can trust to talk too.

I'm tired of the memories.

You embrace the lust

You embrace the pain

You embrace it until tears fall like rain

You sit and wait for a calm in your a brain 

Wait so patient and still the silence drives you insane

You embrace the pain

You embrace the lust

You run toward the very thing that turns your heart to dust

Why do you set yourself up for a fall?

Go so deep your skin starts to crawl

Start to run but never get anywhere

The thought of going nowhere is too much to bear

So embrace it with every drop of tear

Embrace it...

You still have many more years.