I remember the days when I was younger 

that should be of sunny days, kites, and adventure 

but that's not the case.

I remember being dragged by my fingernails against splintery wooden flooring 

from underneath my bed 

to be hit over and over again by fists bigger than my head 

and kicked by feet bigger than my stomach 

I remember being thrown out of my bed at 3 AM when I was 9 every day 

I remember being locked out of the house all night, drenched in coffee in the middle of January and to be let in the next morning to get ready for school 

I remember etching kanji into my skin till it bled because I wanted to go to bed by 1 AM

and not understanding when other kids at my school complained about bed time

I remember telling my friend how I got a bruise

and how it was 'just for attention' and how my mother found out 

and how harshly I was punished

and how I kept my mouth shut from then on 

My first sleeping disorder at 9 

My first suicidal thought at 10 

I remember my first real friend

Who commit suicide because she couldn't take it anymore 

And left a note only 3 words long 

I studied so hard to leave for college at 16 

I try so hard to be ok 

But sometimes it's impossible to be ok 

Because I remember 

Your mind is so beautiful 

So bright and intelligent and colorful 

But so dark because you won't let yourself into the light 

I can't bring you to the surface if you chain yourself down 

I can only drown with you 

Could the only reason you want me is because you're afraid to be lonely

Could anyone do 

Is it just because I'm here

Even here, in the white light of the morning hitting off of the bedsheets  

Is it just my body 

I've given you everything I can 

I don't know what else to do 

I don't know how to help 

Am I losing my mind? 

You drain me of all emotions 

And I feel as though I'm just a shell of a human being 

You demand more and I'm trying so hard 

I'm only human 

I hurt

I break

The others have all left you 

But I won't 

Because I have faith in you 

I can't lie 

I feel chained by you 

I feel drained 

I feel alone when I'm with you 

I love you 

But I can never be everything you need

and I'm so sorry 

some things don't change.

Every time I feel the ground shake

my heart drops

because even if it was ages ago

and I live across the state

I go back to being 14 

and I'm afraid you'll burst through that door screaming. 

It took me so long to stop flinching every time someone raised their hand around me 

and it was so hard to explain why I was crying when all they did was pick up a pencil that was laying next to me. 

It was hard to explain why I would walk into the school in tears

and to lie about my sprained ankle. 

Now I've moved out at 16

and you look back on your actions

do you feel guilt

regret? 

Is that why you act like how a dad should over the phone

and ask about my mental health 

even though you were the one who originally destroyed it?

It wasn't the beatings

or how you would scream at me the entire way to school 

or how you would put so much pressure on my test grades that I attempted to kill myself 3 times and counting

that hurt the most.

It's the fact that you never apologized. 

You are obsessive

controlling

manipulative 

crazy

cruel 

you suffocate him and drive him in circles over and over again

and you still have the nerve to act the victim?

You throw tantrums

that leave bruises

you touch him even if he says "No"

you use those around him

to get to him

as if that was ok

If you thought no one would say anything

that you could continue this sociopathic waltz

you have another thing coming. 

I have heard, and I am angry. 

Hands behind your back 

Back straight 

Head held high, but not too high,

Don't speak

Don't look

Show some skin, but hide all of it 

Laugh pleasantly, but not too loudly 

Have Double D's but a thigh gap 

Lose weight but don't let me see your ribs 

Do the impossible and don't get surgery 

this is what it takes to get a husband. 

You always say "you are the light in my dark world"

because I'm smiling and laughing

and yelling conspicuous things

whereas you outwardly state your inner pessimistic thoughts 

like "I should kill myself" and "I'm tired"

and I smile and try to cheer you up 

but in reality I'm so much worse

so much more broken

Sometimes I question myself, who am I, 

who smokes, drinks, and talks to much

and constantly thinks about jumping of a third balcony 

and drinking that tub of bleach 

but unlike you is silent 

in the right to say

"Don't kill yourself"

"I'm sure things will get better"

to help someone else? 

Your crazy ex is right 

I'm no good for you

I'll only bring you down 

because even if on the outside I'm always optimistic

inside I'm just scared

because unlike you I have no future,

I have a passion that I can never live 

and a lover in the past I can never let go. 

I have committed sins I can never repent for, 

and I can never live without guilt. 

You are too good for me, 

and because I care about you I say this;

You should run far, far away from me

for even if you think I am your light; in reality I'm what will kill you in the end. 

Have you ever looked at someone 

and their actions

and thought "how do they sleep at night?"

they don't. 

Roars rippling through the earth, 

Lighting up the sky in streaks

Catching the attention of all living things.

Branching down to the earth,

Where it links the clouds and the dirt

A bridge between the mortals and the heavens. 

I trusted you.

You were my best friend.

How could you do this to me?

Just last week, 

We had such great times

But look at us now.

Why, Because I didn't talk to you for two days?

Because you thought you could do better?

I'll tell you honey, 

If you think that girl with the fake smile

that loves Drama and sex is better 

than so be it. 

My other friends will at least stand by me,

Now, when my mother is in the hospital in a foreign country

and my father is a mental wreck

and I am trying to survive. 

If you think now is the time to abandon me,

then fine.

But I feel bad for the girl with the fake smile.