Apologize

some things don't change.

Every time I feel the ground shake

my heart drops

because even if it was ages ago

and I live across the state

I go back to being 14 

and I'm afraid you'll burst through that door screaming. 

It took me so long to stop flinching every time someone raised their hand around me 

and it was so hard to explain why I was crying when all they did was pick up a pencil that was laying next to me. 

It was hard to explain why I would walk into the school in tears

and to lie about my sprained ankle. 

Now I've moved out at 16

and you look back on your actions

do you feel guilt

regret? 

Is that why you act like how a dad should over the phone

and ask about my mental health 

even though you were the one who originally destroyed it?

It wasn't the beatings

or how you would scream at me the entire way to school 

or how you would put so much pressure on my test grades that I attempted to kill myself 3 times and counting

that hurt the most.

It's the fact that you never apologized.