Memories

I remember the days when I was younger 

that should be of sunny days, kites, and adventure 

but that's not the case.

I remember being dragged by my fingernails against splintery wooden flooring 

from underneath my bed 

to be hit over and over again by fists bigger than my head 

and kicked by feet bigger than my stomach 

I remember being thrown out of my bed at 3 AM when I was 9 every day 

I remember being locked out of the house all night, drenched in coffee in the middle of January and to be let in the next morning to get ready for school 

I remember etching kanji into my skin till it bled because I wanted to go to bed by 1 AM

and not understanding when other kids at my school complained about bed time

I remember telling my friend how I got a bruise

and how it was 'just for attention' and how my mother found out 

and how harshly I was punished

and how I kept my mouth shut from then on 

My first sleeping disorder at 9 

My first suicidal thought at 10 

I remember my first real friend

Who commit suicide because she couldn't take it anymore 

And left a note only 3 words long 

I studied so hard to leave for college at 16 

I try so hard to be ok 

But sometimes it's impossible to be ok 

Because I remember