A Dark Light

You always say "you are the light in my dark world"

because I'm smiling and laughing

and yelling conspicuous things

whereas you outwardly state your inner pessimistic thoughts 

like "I should kill myself" and "I'm tired"

and I smile and try to cheer you up 

but in reality I'm so much worse

so much more broken

Sometimes I question myself, who am I, 

who smokes, drinks, and talks to much

and constantly thinks about jumping of a third balcony 

and drinking that tub of bleach 

but unlike you is silent 

in the right to say

"Don't kill yourself"

"I'm sure things will get better"

to help someone else? 

Your crazy ex is right 

I'm no good for you

I'll only bring you down 

because even if on the outside I'm always optimistic

inside I'm just scared

because unlike you I have no future,

I have a passion that I can never live 

and a lover in the past I can never let go. 

I have committed sins I can never repent for, 

and I can never live without guilt. 

You are too good for me, 

and because I care about you I say this;

You should run far, far away from me

for even if you think I am your light; in reality I'm what will kill you in the end.