i pretend that it doesn’t effect me

that i was never wanted by my father

as if to him

i was merely a thought

but never a feeling

my mother tried her best

to give me more than enough love

but even her extra hugs

and kisses could not make up

for the absence of a second parent

twenty-one years have passed

since the day i was born, with only

one signature on my birth

certificate, and yet the feeling

of something missing has never left

why are you afraid, he asks

but how do i tell him

that i fear i won’t be able to

accept his love

if i never got to except

my fathers

how do i explain

that i’m terrified that

i am always going to hurt, as

if nothing could

ever heal the hole in

my heart that his love was

supposed to fill

how do i confess that

i’m scared that one day, he

too will leave

and I’ll have to live

with the abandonment of another

i am afraid

not because

i don't want to die

but because

i don't want to keep living

like i am

a l r e a d y

dead.

Horns breeze frost blue melodies,

Thin air like crackling ice,

One move breaks past my weary state, Second step wounds with winter’s claws.

All I know is done,

Could months be enough to seal

Temple doors burdened by

Merciless fatalities?

Far off my pen awaits in

Polar hell, i wrote from a cliff

Of despair too wretched to bear,

I face the dagger wielding arctic

Once more with a legion behind me,

Yet even then the blizzard wars on, Nothing seems clear...

I w

i p

e

Off s m

a

l l

Puddles from my pad and clear the iced Tears teasing thoughts

From months alone.

No more uncertainty?

A path unveiled?

It could not be true, nothing

Could ever be so simple!

Nothing!

All this is a sham

I cannot return to plain crunching

Terrain where the ocean is a pure haunting abyss;

A mouth to the Devil, that corporeal black hole of lies....

One breath assured before death,

Another if all remains

Thereafter each second is a guarantee or so I believe.

My wandering mind growls

In hopes of sleep, walls fade and fear Dissipates, each distortion goes off

To my Polar hell

Awaiting winter’s Devilish claws to drag My conscience toward a Dark blue void.

"Why are

you

afraid?"

Do

not ask me

that question.

You

don't

want

to know

the answer.

I

don't

know.

Maybe because

fear

is the

only thing I

know

how

to do.

Or maybe

it's

that

it hurts

too much

to

feel

normal.

Is it

because

of

you

And all

of your

lies

and all

of

your

hurt

that you

gave

to

me?

I am afraid

because there are some things

simply beyond my control.

i have to trust my instincts

to make the right choice,

leaving the rest up to chance.

I am afraid

because I do not trust

my instincts nor my emotions.

an endless cycle of doubt,

I find myself questioning everything,

from my reactions to my personality,

from the words people tell me to the actions they show me,

I question everything.

it’s not like I want

to doubt everyone in my life

who shows me affection,

who proves to be a friend,

who shows me love,

who gives me hope,

but that’s just how my brain works.

doubt is why I am afraid,

it turns everyone against me,

changing my dreams into nightmares,

stuck in my head.

Housefire,

it scares me to think,

what would happen,

if this were to come true.

It's not irrational,

I like campfires even.

But I am scared

of my house catching on fire.

A few years ago,

our smoke alarms came to life.

They went off,

in the middle of the night.

I didn't sleep,

neither did my sisters.

My mother and father,

and even my dog.

My brother was awake as well.

they went off every few nights,

we never knew when they would.

At this time I was plagued.

I had horrid nightmares,

of our house catching on fire.

Sometimes I could save my family,

sometimes I could not.

Sometimes I would survive,

other times not.

So that it why,

I am afraid,

of

a

Housefire.