I remember hearing as a girl

That first kisses were awkward

Clunky and overrated

That teeth got in the way

A rough draft of a fairytale ending

Yet to be perfected

I was told that kisses were rushed

Waves crashing and thunder ringing through the storm

That people didn't understand how much time it took to love someone

How much space

I was told that the poems were lying

But you must be the exception to the rule

The fairytale retelling that had been perfected generations ago

Didn't even have to plan it out anymore

natural

Despite how many times I told you I couldn't kiss well

How awkward I could be

Your eyes were shining

for me

Staring at my lips

As I prayed you couldn't tell I was staring at yours too

When your lips brushed mine

I could feel your life being shared with me

Eyelashes dancing against my cheeks

I could have counted them each

There was no crash.

No rushing waves

There was softness

and tender caresses

Pulling my hair out of my face

So you could look me in the eye

When you tell me how much you loved kissing me

That my neck was the softest thing you ever got to hold

We are good together, your smile said

Two halves of a person

Lost in perfect love

A moment to ourselves

I remember huddling over a kitchen sink

Screaming at the knife I was holding

Convincing it to liberate me

It never screamed back

Never convinced me to stop nor go

Pinning me to a life that wasn't worth wanting anymore

I imagined the red splatter across counter tops

Drip dropping onto a clean tile floor

A Scarlett portrait of my happiness

Painted around a floating girl

Beautiful straight lines

Halos and wings as I lie on the floor

Face peaceful after all this time

Finally relieved of a long-help obligation to a reality I never chose

I dreamt of never having to wake up again

Of bed time joys that never ended

Of infinity inside of my own head

Because my demons did not thrive off of my own mind

They were fed by hatred and tension

Awkward interactions where no one knew what to say to the girl they were just mocking when she showed up

Sneers from the table when she corrected them in class

Never mind that they had asked for her help to start with

The pain in my stomach when people laugh will never go away

My knuckles will always be scarred

From times I punched cement instead of painting Scarlett with my wrists

Coping mechanism for the weak willed

Just because I was able to burn away the walls and canons does not mean I no longer face the heat

But fires grow dimmer

Leave behind ash to grow a new tomorrow

Plant a garden and not a citadel

Lose track of time marveling at beauty and not death

Learn to love life from the source of it all and treasure what you once thought didn't deserve a chance to thrive

Let hurt fall like breadcrumbs on a trail

Helping you to remember

How far you have come

I can not promise I will love you

Even if you love me

Even if you pour your heart into my mold

Even if you take my hand and guide me to a place where I can love myself

Even if you make me happy

Even then

I give you no promise

If I did

I would break it

I have tried so hard

Again and again and again

To love in return

As payment for happiness

As a reward for trying

But my love is no reward

No matter how hard I try

I will not love you by default

Not by my weakness

Nor by my vulnerability

I am arbitrary

A freak of nature

Set in my ways and always last to know

But I see

I am a force but will never force myself into a persons arms whom

I don't love

You

Can try all you want

If I love you

I will love you with my being

With my passion

They say I feel more intensely than others

I am the sun

I will blaze and burn and heat

All for you

But I will not love in exchange for kindness

I could try

It will never work

I could tell you I want to love you

But if you expect my love

I think that I would be lying

When even the moon is not listening to your midnight cries

When you can't bring yourself to cry out loud

Because sobs are meant to draw sympathy from anyone

And you have no such luxury

When you start to feel the warmth of loving hands wrap around your torso

Only to grab for them

And find no one

But the cold reality of a dream

Long faded into the back of your mind

When you are so tired that you can't bear to go to sleep

Afraid of never waking up

Afraid of enjoying the refuge too much

When you are cynical

Scowling at the laughing flowers

Snickering at the chattering birds

Glaring at love through a hatred-stained window

Until happiness is not something embraced

But something ignored

Neglected

Lovely on paper but lost in practice

When candy covered fingers reach inside to rip out your heart

Breaking glass in your chest

When no one could hear you scream

When there is nowhere left to go

I watched you fall into oblivion

The graceful plummet to madness

Swift

I stood by gaping

As again and again

You lost your direction

Looking at a map where all of the lines were blurred

Praying to the God of the fallen

To leave you the fuck alone

I turned away

A belief that I was that God

That one who abandoned the hope that was granted to the helpless

Did not need me

I noticed not

Smiles tainted by insanity

Laughs drowning in sorrow

You knew fear

I did nothing but left

I ask you now to free my soul

Cleanse my heart of guilt

Fish me out of the water I drown myself in

I promise

I will lead you back to safety

Take my hand

Sing me a song of quiet

Of laughing brooks cutting through the rocks

Of birds' quarrels

Only to melt into happy chatting

Of soft blades of grass rustling under bare feet

Dew drops settling between your toes

A canopy blanketed in serene white noise

Sing me a song of midnight

Reflections of a pale star shining

Rippling through the stillness of water

Framed by the trees

Of the symphony of crickets

Playing together

Sing me a song of isolation

Of far away lands

Of magic

If you listen closely

You might catch on the breeze

The murmurs of prayers

Whispering

desperate

Souls of the lost, the hungry

The downtrodden and war torn

Pleading with God

Begging of him the simplest of pleasures

For happiness and nourishment

Faithful

But alas God has fled

Sitting upon a throne in the cloudscape

Give me a God I can relate to

Justify their hopes and dreams instead of crushing them with your coldness

Such cowardice

Escape from humanity is impossible

Face your creation

We are your's

How dare you turn around to avoid our begging

Ignore what you have caused

Isolate your children from salvation

Betrayal

Judas

Chaste kisses

Freak miracles as the only reminder to what you are meant to help us with

All but seal our fate

Lost trust to a coward

Don't look in my eyes to claim ignorance

Run, and remember

Pay in guilt for the suffering you have caused

Retreat

I tried on dress after dress

Pleading with the mirror

Am I pretty?

Beg

Coloring myself in bright colors

Appeasing to watchful eyes

Shaping myself desperately into each silhouette

Disappearing

in mountains of fabric

Because I know

A girl is only pretty when hidden

Only acceptable

It has been drilled into my brain

Cut in stone

Knife in flesh

Blood red desire

Projected onto a pretty face

A slimming dress

Distract me from my loneliness

Let it be easy to forget myself

Loose everything in my self pity

Let me be pretty

What else is there to be?