we make dreams

we chase peace.

we get lost

and drift away,

come together

to find some kind

of fatal harmony.

someone makes me fly

let’s me smile, let’s me cry

guides me,

listens,

but doesn’t come thru

unless it’s most

convenient.

another steps in

always leading the way,

resilient,

so strong,

and so much like me.

maybe that’s why i turn away.

he lets go so easily

cause he thinks it’s right

he tries,

but he hides

keeps himself in the background.

the other never backs down

even when it’s not his fight

he’ll take every hit

just so i remain all right

both are good intentions

but can’t be compared

each has his own,

and both sides stay fair.

one would take a bullet for me

one would knock the gun away.

one would always come back,

but one wouldn’t leave my side.

i’d die for both of them

give everything i have

they both want me here

but for who am i to live?

if i could hold both hands

i swear that i would.

my heart can be divided

but only for someone good

and i’d shout it from the roof

that i’ve never met anyone as worthy

as either of these two

so how can i choose?

both are beside me.

both make my stomach turn,

each has their own powers..

our relationships are vastly different

but only we know what’s ours.

i cant describe the things i feel,

for him it only takes a glance to see

if i’m not okay or overthinking;

he needs to be told

he notices but doesn’t know

and when i can’t explain to one,

the other isn’t around

of course i need both

i’m independent but reliant

and truth be desperately told

i’m too attached,

love can’t describe it.

i back off when things get good

i know i don’t deserve it

can’t accept when i should.

so even when i’m scared

even when i shut you out

i’ll never let go,

but i can’t help but doubt

that we’re gonna be stolen

someone else will come

and take my part.

i can be replaced

then there’s nowhere else for me to stay,

so let me stay in your heart

with all those feelings

all of our fear

hold us tight

keep me close.

don’t leave me, no matter what

i need you, even if it’s not

exactly what you’d want.

i can’t hurt you,

can’t break your heart again.

for some i can’t be friends,

for others that’s how the story ends.

where we began

is what defined it all

now we’re stuck reliving,

playing pretend

as if our roles are permanent

like this is what destiny is

maybe fate is unknown

our futures are still untold

but as we are

here and now

is enough

has to be enough

or we’ll never find out

how to be satisfied.

I love you, you know?

In a complicated way

In a powerful way

In a pure and genuine and real way

In a movie kind of way

In a way I can’t share

Not even a fraction

So if anything changes

And my secret gets out

Everything crumbles

And the lights go down.

you know how i feel

(but)

please accept how we are

what we have is real —

for

you’re both so important

and i’m not a big deal.

we can never be

more than what we are;

what’s ours

is too precious

too fragile

any risk could

(so easily) break it apart.

no one else would understand.

no one can get past

the defenses i’ve built

but you’ve broken in.

if i could turn back time?

i wouldn’t create us differently

we make galaxies

while any other friendship

can hardly reach the stars

you turn life into poems;

you make the air feel soft

and quiet the noise —

you make breathing less of a chore

and smiling feels so natural.

how could i trade

the peace between us

for anything less?

what we have is happiness

and the longing is only temporary.

the loneliness is only a figment.

more would be a tragedy.

we don’t have to try

together to be perfect,

but if we started to try

to fit an image

to please ourselves

perfect would be impossible.

maybe we have to hide

the glances, the brief touches

the connection between

our helpless hearts

but isn’t it worth it, still

as long as we still have it?

am i here?

am i real?

tell me if you see me

or hear me calling

i don’t think i can feel my own breathing

chest rises and it falls

but i don’t register the movements

my skin feels cold

inside is hollow

and i’ve begun to imagine myself

the way others treat me—

as if i don’t exist.

it’s okay here

in this state

this empty room

empty head and empty heart.

it means nothing hurts inside

but i’m aching everywhere.

easier this way

if you don’t care

and i don’t wanna care

but i do

too much.

so if you don’t see me

i have to pretend

that i don’t either

and i fade away

till i can’t reach anymore

and there’s nothing to hold onto

i’m not here

i’m not real

i am a figment

of some far-away, long lost

memory.

imagination.

let’s start over...

can you imagine me?

chains

are breaking

and it’s so hard to believe

because

for so many months,

over a year

i couldn’t walk

and i couldn’t breathe

your strength

diminishes

every time he

offers a smile

or shows me the stars

because he knows

how to love me

he knows how to care

and it proves

over and over

that you were never real.

and you never

ever

knew me at all

if i look away

he jumps for my gaze

and when my heart

starts to

hurt

he wraps it up

and keeps it safe

images emerge,

flashbacks replay,

but he clouds them

shields me

and we wash

your pain, your name

down

the drain

i don’t have to

try so hard

to fit this perfect image,

to be what he wants

because i already am

and now i have to learn.

it was never about

helping

there was no

happy ending

whatever i worked for,

towards,

was only figmented

by my own sense of hope

but everything you gave me

was so fake

it was never even there.

do you know

how the sunshine

can be such a lie?

how it promises warmth,

and light.

it’s so much

like you

because it always runs away

and only when it’s colder,

when the loneliness arrives,

does the moon swoop in

to show the truth

and save me.

you had your hold

abused your power

destroyed a pretty soul

left her wandering

defenseless

and completely

devoid

of

everything.

maybe you won

i was so trapped,

so blind

by fantasies

that i couldn’t

escape your

control

now it’s so funny

that i thought you could

be good

because i didn’t really know

what that word meant

until i saw blue again,

felt a new embrace

and everything was

so desperately clear

that you would never change

and i had to run away

breaking

letting go

moving on

healing

they all have new meanings to me now

a short time ago

they all

meant

the worst

and i can surely

proudly

confidently say

that i am alive

i survived.

because you were right,

like the devil,

you’re a demon.

and you killed me

so many times.

i don’t wanna try anymore

don’t really wanna keep this up

i fell into a hopeless cycle

so dark and devoid of love

lost hold of who i am

no faith in what i used to value

i’m only hanging - by the thinnest thread

no one knows the truth

because i’m okay

but i don’t want to be

it’s taken so much time, pain and energy

to create this new, fake me

do you know what i mean?

well, no, of course not. you couldn’t.

“how i feel” and “what i think” are so minor

believing in them isn’t worth it

every minute passes so slowly

as i’m consumed with (bitter) nothingness

my pulse becomes a slight throb

numbing me to silence

i can try to paint you a picture

with hollow, empty words

but once i start, i lose my will

and forcing anything just hurts

i smile so brightly

i share my compassion

i glow on the outside

while inwardly fading faster

it doesn’t hurt to be happy

but it doesn’t seem real

i’m not even sad

just can’t seem to feel

i lie so much, only to myself

i know that it’s wrong, so wrong

but i take these blows, let them break me down

yet continue to say that i’m strong

fighting the same in & out battles

only means i’m trained

i’ve learned to reject the affects

so there’s nothing lost, maybe, but never anything gained

the dreams of a happy ever after

haunt you every night

you stare at the sky

waiting for your prince to rescue you

it’ll tear you apart

like all the letters you’d written for him

left in tattered, meaningless shreds

until you’re as empty as the bottles

thrown on the floor

you’ll start to think that maybe it’s all for nothing

the crying, the screaming

the missed calls and ignored texts

you wonder why he even mattered in the first place

he didn’t.

you created fantasies in your head

a storyline only your own thoughts could play out

leaving you lost and broken

by the mere idea of a boy

you wish you’d gotten to know

fairytales won’t come

you’ll wake up and realize

people are as disappointing as the shows that

end the wrong way

expectation will eat you

and you end up blaming yourself

for being naive

for having hope

but the only real monsters

are those who reject the love

generosity won’t kill you

it’ll be the false faith

precedented by the biggest frauds of all

who let you wonder and ache

and laughed while you writhed

love isn’t the crime

it’s convincing yourself that you were the dumb one

guided by light-

the path for your heart to set sail on,

as if cherishing moments is foolish

and fiction is based on fact

nonsensical.

a prince will never save you

those stories are ungodly lies

partners are never found

they are stumbled across

in the streets

of lost or lonely souls

who all aspire to be the same thing

a common thread:

in love for life

I smile when the storm starts

it makes me feel some type of “safe”

the way I did when you held me

or when you looked at me and it felt like home

maybe it’s because

love

is as unpredictable as the weather

or because the thunder

sounds the way my heart always did

the rain drowns out the silence

numbing the hollow feeling

of your

absence

I’ll watch the storms forever

thank them for keeping me company

they revive all the memories

and remind me

that somewhere

you are watching them too

losing my mind cause im so god damn alone

a single person to turn to and nowhere to call “home”

what the hell brought you here?

i never let my heart get too far away

but i love too hard for the ones who only ​take

take me for granted, leave when they’re done because im the fucking toy,

i never was a person

how could you let me rely on you?

never trusted me but made me trust you

you’re unstable, you’re reckless. . .

to be fair, i always knew you’d never care.

i attract the ones who love abuse.

fuck with my head till my mind feels loose

knowing that i wear my heart on my sleeve,

you made it seem like you were afraid ​i’d be the one to leave

turned my own emotions into a game of torment.

what if i don’t want to play?

if i didn’t want it, i wouldn’t beg you to stay

im only here for your amusement

you pull me in and hold me close

when i open my eyes you’ve let me go.

it’s only a fucking fantasy

love’s just a dream

im so (so so so) ​good enough

but you’ll never get to see

you’ll never let me be

me

blame me for the drug problem

tell me it was all my fault

let your words tear me apart

it won’t hurt

your hands

left

burning scars

don’t look at me with lust

you can’t have my body

as many times as you ​took​ it,

it was never yours

that’s why

im the bad guy.

tell me i cause his suicidal wishes

tell me he can’t do what you did

god, i hope not.

i don’t wanna cry because hates me.

i don’t want to feel like a waste.

that is all that you gave me.

have fun getting fucked up

pretending for the world that you’re not hurt

you hide because you’re afraid

im on top

i beat you at your own motherfucking game.

maybe i feel too much

it makes me blind

but my walls are up, ive had enough

you get the wounds this time.

ships will crash, stories always end

tell them anyway

the dark will grow

hold the light anyway

you will fear so much

please brave life anyway

mistrust will rule. everything.

open your mind anyway.

there will be days without faith

without hope and strength and love

and you must live anyway

he’s going to break your heart. she’s going to lie. to your face. over and over.

forgive anyway

life will throw rocks at your window.

the walls around your heart will collapse. your pride will be bruised,

your will damaged,

your thoughts rampant.

you will fall.

you will be torn.

perhaps apart.

but by god,

stay vulnerable anyway.

it’s always been fact

known to every ignorant man

that time was limited

and now

now we know its true extent

seven days

is “all” we have left

but that’s more than enough.

do you know how simple it is

to let go of everything

when your hold was never

strong enough to begin with?

do you know

how painful it is

to wake up

seven days in a row

wishing you hadn’t

because all you feel

is an empty

aching

heavy numbness

and yet you feel nothing.

when you’ve fallen into a hole

with no visible light

hope

or escape

and you’ve lost track of time

friends

and yourself,

seven days becomes three months.

the minutes tick away

agonizingly slowly

and your most difficult task

is breathing.

most are sad

that we’ve only got a week

and maybe i should be, too

because there’s so much left to do

but it doesn’t really matter, does it?

live for the moment

the present is a gift

we’ve only got now

tomorrow is light years away

and all that other bullshit.

only now humanity ignores it

finds a new philosophy

because suddenly

their world is turned upside down

ending

and there’s nothing you can do...

but panic

a frenzied chaos

yet here i am

sitting in the sun

and focusing on the breeze

with a smile.

when you feel your existence

is already painful misery,

the ending isn’t as scary.

i’m not intimidated.

i’m not afraid.

i have lived fully

in my few years

i have felt too much.

experienced too much.

cried too much.

lost too much.

seen too much.

everything has always been

and always will be

too much.

so i will drink my coffee,

read my books,

write my poems,

count my seconds,

take my breaths,

fight my tears,

and lose my battles

all the same.

the same as i did yesterday

and will do

for the next 168 hours.

nothing will change

between now and then.

so don’t be hypocritical,

don’t say you’ve got regrets,

don’t say there’s so much you’ve yet to get done.

none of it is true.

if you wanted something,

you should’ve gotten it.

that’s the truth.

now you can’t, so you bask in pity

but let me remind you

you’re the fool

who let your time go to waste

and all the kids who are sad

like me

are the ones who feel their time is much too used

we never get a moment of silence

never any peace

until now

when we know it’ll all be over

the sadness will finally leave

and we can be

happy.

just seven more days.