Beneath my eyes 

Lie a soul of sorrow

I am stricken

And caged in a sense

Memories are as wildfires

Spontaneous abyss

As I pace the aisle

Or the chilled floor beneath my feet

I am weary

But can't seem to sleep

My cracked feet worsen

As I walk

My tears seem to recede

I simply can't 

And don't want to talk

As I'm sloughing

I feel the rise of angry bitterness

Waking up to a tsunami disaster

No one to blame

I caused and created this mess

Pondering my purpose of existence

So much I want to do

Say

Have my way

This instant

Love 

My soul seeks 

Viciously

To be cared for

And for once be treated tenderly

Will this purpose I seek

Be fulfilled indeed

Or will I even remain to see it

Can I

Will I

Become so vulnerable

Emotionally weak

Or like others

Will it be

Something lasting a season 

One big tease

Taunt me not 

Keep your verbal bash

Is honesty 

Monogamy

Too much to ask

As we find ourselves intimate

Forgetting momentarily about the hurtful past

Wearying easily

A flaw of mine

Learning to forgive

Trying to forget

Being stimulated by compliments

And trying to feel comfortable giving them

Need not I say more

Because I cracked but he opened the door

A many of times

I must say 

That like the attitude of a recovering addict

I can only take it day by day

Strip from me this layer of bitterness

Erase this angry approach

Surrender the spirit of resentment

Keep in memory only things that matter most

Squash the argumentative me 

Mustn't I cater spiritually

Banish the hate that erupts high above my peak

Take away my chilled heart

Revive the dying me

Amidst all of my loneliness 

And the aligned stuffed bears 

I decided who I wanted to be as

Not a lawyer 

Not a doctor 

This was my first choice

Not a journalist 

Or a mom

Or a radio personality 

Not a basketball legend

This goal was unique

Rare 

I could say

Not a swimmer or a nurse

Or even a singer 

Take a guess

I...

Wanted to be like Jesus

Funny

One asked of me

Whom I admired

Like whom I wanted to be

Bringing back memories 

I semi understand 

Why I chose not a man

That moment 

He and I became friends 

Beneath all my anguish

Lies something so sincere 

Not a heart that is often cold

But one that loves without fear

Why do we grudge

Unless you forgive and forgive

Sometimes there are endless trials

That's just the way it is

It has become too much work

To simply fall in love

The serenity prayer

What I'm thinking of 

I address self first

Evaluate spontaneously what hurts

Trying to leave behind

That barely erupting ego of mine 

Look at this world 

Our life

The controversy we individually fight

Are not we constantly at war

Ununited

And furthermore 

We haven't progressed as a unit 

Much at all 

It's simply chaos in an orderly            

                                       fashion 

Looking for another word to be 

                                       called

As I departed the scene 

In a sudden abrupt

I had to have a soothing smoke

I couldn't exit fast enough 

However it was speedy 

Indeed

The undertaker himself had appeared 

Not immediately affected

But it didn't take long

I searched and searched

For anything

Tremendously 

Panicking

Important documents grasped by the

                                  frosted wind

Taking a seat 

That was  law forbidden

To reach home was to reach 

A safe place 

Everyone freeze

For moments 

This moment 

I need some space 

Why do I hurt

Must it be me shit 

Why do others insist I owe them

A hurt fee

Why is this

Simply redundant

Amidst my condition and pain

No fucking respect 

To no avail

And I don't gain

Shit 

Love cannot be meant to be this way

I'm not enough for a man 

He must have two

Giving him a chance to rewind

And get over his ex 

I don't know who is paying the bill

But I want the check

This beautiful creature

My eyes behold

It's like we share the same astranged Souls

While we are unique in subtle ways

Often when around him 

I'm in daze

For sex is his number one

Or at least he portrays

How will I ever know

Let me count the ways

He says it complicated 

I say it cannot be true

How do you otherwise interpret

I love you or

I'm falling for you

His body caters to every physical 

And emotional need

Had death not be a dangerous option

I would carry his seed

But the way I'm falling 

I would give it all

Knowing he AND I would surely fall

My body's  reacting in a way 

I never knew

I don't feel comfortable saying 

I don't know if I love his penis 

Him 

Or "The both of you"

For he and his lover

Tease me in a vaginally creative

And unfamiliar way

I don't have to touch Mrs. Clit

Press buttons 

To experience the orgasmic

I must be cautious 

Sorting through what I have to live For

For my pain 

I do not want my kids to endure

Some way I like to feel 

That my dreams may come true

And not to the benefit of another

Susie Q

While we are strangers

We're becoming acquaintances 

33 years

I don't  have too much time

But I don't understand what this is

His lack of guilt 

Turns us cold again

I'm not sure what to call it

But we can't be friends 

I'm in a new place

Taking the Doctor's advice

For once in my life

I want to say and know I'm right 

So much in common 

But distance too

Celebrating holidays 

Before the day

Trying to start anew

I'm a stranger to his mind

While he tells sweet lies

The one protecting your feelings

While you want no more dealings

I want to walk away 

"A divorce" before it begins 

One mistake 

WE moved to fast 

Should've begin as friends

In the midst of anger

I am so subdued

By the ignorance of the world

I am not at all petrified

But I am ready to explode

Who burdened me with this heavy 

                                              load

Frustration has gotten the best of me

Right now

Don't put your hands on me

To be continued...

Sweet poison raining

Inside me

I've forgotten who I'm supposed to 

                                               be

Feeling tingly 

Mingly

Ready to be me

My body is way too clingy

Because the poison has

Doused me

My perception isn't obstructed

Beware

Tonight I'm not pulling hair

My body is way too tense

Sensing 

Someone's absence

While my body yells out

I am quick to forget

I'm ready to climax

And no I haven't yet