were you really there?

i touched her close

brought her in against the will of my fingertips, cradled in the curvature of her back,

seeped into valleys, twisting themselves into the ridges of her spine.

i'm trickling down her,

bound to her frame,

trapped in her form.

in the beginning is the end.

look towards the skyline, trapped in discord, billows of pinks and crimson overlapping floods of ink and speckled stars.

but i am held in the silence, prisoner to the space between the ground and the sky,

slipping my fingers from the gritted hold of the soil,

and it feels like I’m flying.

my bones untangle, and crash, click, fold and unfold themselves with yours,

the puzzle that entraps, the fevers in my dreams, the gold through the tulip tips,

it’s all the same to me.

it feels all alike; a plateau at climax, the sun that never sets

and i wonder—at what point did it all stop?

at what point did the earth complete its rotation for the final time,

did the wave crumble in the sand

did the moon grace its light atop the weeping trees,

for the world to end, and leave itself nothing but a piece of you, left in the stars

folded in the clouds;

at what point did i wish for an ending?

i’m curling to your will, wilting in your touch, collapsed and turned inside-out so that my organs face the sky,

when did it all become so incredibly loud?

if it were possible to pin-point the destination on the map, trace out the journey, burn scars along each road and mark out each stop,

would i find where it ends,

— or begins?

because in the beginning is the end,

where the skyline stretches thin and the ground blossoms from the earths beating heart,

where the waves warp themselves to the curves of the cliffs,

where my lips meet yours

—and it all ends.

were you really there,

or had it just begun?

it feels like death follows her every move

wind against skin, lost in the dark of midnight, the wind that makes the smell of the death feel like home.

a serene ambience where sound is muffled out. the movement of water in the harbour

as she stands on the hill onlooking like some kind of higher power.

we’re alive

we’re alive

sat wondering why we’re here

lovely dreams of escaping to foreign land and spending the rest of her days in a small village off the coast.

far, far away from everything and everyone.

we’re alone

we’re alone

yet we are brought back

cutting her body in familiar ways

in ways the remind her of freedom or perhaps control

we’re hurt

we’re hurt

troubled children we have no right to want to die

lives perfect and laid out in straight and neat ways because this is happiness

when formalities are obeyed because in their eyes she can't possibly love her?

or we can be lost and found at once and be left fucking dead in the arms of past lovers

we’re dying

we’re dying

young children they don’t understand the consequences of their actions

and did they stand there alone wishing for the wind once more

because they're capable of a future in which the wind isn’t needed. we have money and security.

we're safe

we're safe

did you pray at night

for a returned soul without a receipt?

because we can’t escape now

this is our fate

we’re happy

we’re happy

and yet we’re still left wondering if life is a curse or a blessing.

we're a curse

we're a blessing

and it feels like we’re holding our breath. as though we’re underwater screaming. “help us” we say. souls crimson coloured against straight horizons. they're taking our hearts out, with curled fingertips against petrol stained boats and thrashing mountains of dead snow. plains of emptiness against dimming skylines, glimmers of light barely visible "we're here".

searing days and icy nights. this is the land of the free they say. bodies lay numb around bloodied hysteria and distant voices of our fathers "i'm proud of you" rehashed like a prayer they say in absent eyes. steady burst of ice it burns, it burns. i feel the bitter taste of tongue versus tongue and disembodied screams against sand afloat.

let the grasp of the night suffocate us. we're just children across no mans land, left monumental dreams and wishes and mothers kissing foreheads who sing goodnight. ignorant children against adult worlds with hands held, undefeatable. i can feel the ice and fear and death and worry around us. miles from home we walk ahead, innocence sugar-coated like dead meat. "we're ok, we're ok" said in crackling voices and hacking coughs. diminished worries covered in im sorry im sorry. soldiers we are. we know the way.

those who do not deserve help will not receive regardless of our cries. perhaps we're the unlucky ones in a forsaken world.

i want to go home.

could this ever be home?

a garden of roses

and children sitting there for many mornings crying tears that make rainy days rainier.

sunny days past and hands drenched in snow and blood

lips touch hers ice cold, heart and skin.

kiss on nose neck collar bone breast forehead and all of the above

wilting roses againsts rain and fog and nights under gloomy windows

lit by fireplaces.

finger touch glass and paint words that spell ‘i love you’ backwards

bodies against backs in dark rooms

hands held against layer of soft fabric.

pitter patter goes rain bitter batter against windows and walls

lightning flashes illumintating midnight moods and dried flowers on the wall next to the reflection of passing cars

back are the days of rain and tears

and screams of cars and families

men young and old drip tears of pain

and lovers of every kind

damn i love the rain.

disconnect

and a body distant

those who i care for so much

nothing in a distance of dust and fog

minds absent

does my body have a soul?

am i just nothing?

is something wrong with me?

why do i feel this way?

i can’t feel today

the joy of friends and fun

a distant memory in the present

so close yet so far from reach

a flashback of life...

i guess i could describe it like that?

a feeling of being dead

a feeling of nothing

no feeling

just absence

and sadness

a dark looming cloud over life

following every step

i wonder

will i ever be free?

why do i feel this way

cold

and bitter

thoughts overbearing reality

i want to go back to sleep.

i want to wake from this constant dream

or perhaps nightmare?

am i even here

do i even feel

do i even exist

i miss life

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(forgive for dodgy write - it’s like 2am lol~~i was in a weird mood and felt like writing and uploading some stuff ://)

skin clings to bone

mind stick thought and toxins

of pills and tears and bloody razors

face now ranges of snowy fear and dead men once

loved by young and old

many dead across lumps and bumps and deteriorating flesh

broken love and souls

her face in minds now gone distant

far from reach from her warm

gentle embrace

-11 lbs. later

thinner days come with fatter nights

clenching to phones and numbers

bathroom doors and wrists

memories of times and loves flushed in the toilet

and minds full of closed off darkness

please conceal

i beg of you

no one can save now

death is imminent and accepted

never will experience ever lead to hands un-held

lips untouched and intelligence unlearnt

selfish are actions that cause pain and fear

grasping to thick thighs of hers and mine

deceased bodies laying untouched

beams of hope

shutters closed

i look now unto her

cheek touch cheek

bone touch regret

perhaps it's too late to go back

to unheard nights

and glasses full of daisies

and cigarettes by moonlight

eyelids now shut

black like nights

i see stars of your presence in distances beyond

i grasp

i don't grab

goodbye.

5:37am

on thursday morning

wrapping my fingers around yours

folding our hands together

like

delicate origami

connecting those loose wires

dancing into the crashing waves

under the cool moonlight

pressing our bodies into each other

feeling the thump of your heart

and your scent

of fresh fruit

and lemon

filling my nose

did i tell you how happy it made me feel?

i loved the feeling of always wanting to see your face

as i loved calling your name joyfully whenever i saw you

and seeing the smile spread across your face

damn did it make me feel wanted

the salty water continued to splash up against our thighs

as we waltzed deeper in

toppling over into incoming waves

laughing and spitting out water

i remember your face so well

as we sat there

laughing

and crying

slowly leaning in

as you pulled my body closer

until our lips

pressed against one another

with the sun slowly rising on the horizon

enveloped by the darkness of the ocean

like the world had stopped

and what was left of us

was the shoes left in the car

and the surrounding sounds of sirens and cries

the flickering white street lamp light on your face

looked so

beautiful

the sound of your breathing

watching the warm air amidst the cold fog

the warm touch of your finger

lightly caressing my hand

as we awkwardly grasped for each other

the sound of your stressed voice

calling through the night

venting our issues

because together

we could get through it

the hum in the distance

as the stars twinkled above us

looking over us and protecting

such a special moment

the sounds of our footsteps

synced

reassuring ourselves

that we were together

and together

we could break through the barriers

of

hopelessness

worthlessness

***

the tightening around my throat

stopping in my tracks

because i could no longer move

knowing that your presence

was simply in the past

but it's ok

i can wait

because i know

the warmth of your soul

walking next to me

when i see you once more

will make this all

worthwhile

when it all gets too much

turn the lights off

step into the blistering shower

let the fog fill the room

and stand

letting the water pound your useless body

and when no one is around

sob

sob

sob

let go of all your mistakes

let it drown with all the other water droplets

take as long as you want

because no one is there to see

who cares about what you look like now

let it become uncontrollable

fuck it

just explode

wipe your hand across the shower door

write down mistakes

regrets

promises

things you're grateful for

there will always be something

and if you can't find one

you're not looking hard enough

breathe over the glass

let it all disappear

and once your tears are gone

step out

open a window

door

anything

let the fog disappear

and the cold air

pierce your skin for a moment or two

before drying youself

compose yourself

step out of the bathroom

take a deep breath

you're ready to put your mask back on

and do it all again

maybe i was wrong

to overthink

what you meant

what we

meant.

when you would sit alone

blinded in the

white light of the

convenience store

let me tell you

that

i loved you

and you

loved me

when you would close your eyes

and stare into the abyss of

black

did you think

of me

because i thought of you.

what ever happened to lying under starry nights,

grasping for what wasn't there

smiling together for the first time in weeks

because the night was

special

and us?

special

the grass dancing in the brisk wind

lightly caressing our warm bodies

pressed

to the ground

pushed down

together

when you looked over

the ancient wood in your

eyes

that gleamed in the dark

and made the world seem

even the smallest bit

lighter

you would pretend

and dont get me wrong, i would too

that we didnt notice our hands

slowly

grasping each other

fingers intertwined, tightening, sweating

sweat that poured from our bodies

souls

hearts

combined and shut closed

stuck in our palms, mixed

with the blood and

tears of the past

when we

were not one together, combined

but two

a seperate two, distant

when all we felt was empty

and desire

for destruction and death

but together

as i watch you sit at your desk in the orange sunlight

waiting for the final ring of

the bell

with the small piece of paper next to me

that was bursting so much

you couldn't bare to wait any longer

until the bell did ring

and when i opened

its scented folds

i knew

i loved you

but that

was old

and a new was waiting

around the corner

for we weren't in highschool forever

and eventually

our short lived love

would slowly

sink

to the bottom of the muddy river

its ink spread

scattered

and your hand

grasping its aged paper

shattering at the simple touch of your

warm fingers

once in my embrace

now burnt cold

and gone

dead, numb

your skin growing paler by the minute

and your love

faded

gone

ha

how nostalgic