Love

I've started to question what that really means

It seems like everyday I fall in love

And every day my heart is broken

Yet I go and fall in love all over again

A never ending process

How can that be love?

How can something so painful be "love"

Over and over again I break into little pieces, falling to the ground in a heap

But over and over I duck tape myself back together and try again

Each time thinking I'll be able to stay together, that this time will be different

Hoping one day I'll find someone who will hold me so tight

That I won't be able to fall apart

Depression.

Is what I feel.

The sense of wanting, and every now and then, hate.

Watching them across the room and know that you will never get closer.

It hurts,

a never ending dull pain in your chest

all you have is the hope that someday, it will all end.

It feels like you're suddenly falling in a endless hole and the person you love watches you from the cliff because they were careful not to do this kind of mistake, mistake which you did. It's like you're drowning in a ocean of agony and sadness while your loved one breathes perfectly fine because you are the one who was so stupid to love the wrong person.

And when you see them walking by and not giving a sh*t about your feelings at all, it's just like the whole world is crushing down and you know for sure you won't survive. You know you will die because you will be wounded for the rest of your life and no one will be there to heal you. You are waiting for the person you love. You want them to heal you, but you know they will never come. You're just left to bleed until you die. And the fact that you know exactly that this is what's going to happen makes it a thousand times worse.

The tugging at

my heart,

Harder than before,

Like someone had

Punched,

Kicked,

Shot and

Stabbed it.

Seeing you with another,

Something that I can't stand

But I keep a smile on my face

Every time you hold her hand

Every time you tell her how beautiful she is.

No matter how strong the pain,

No matter how much I want to cry,

I will smile

I will stay by your side,

Like nothing is wrong.

The world will go on,

Oblivious to my heartbreak

I will watch you and her

You with her

Smiling,

Crying on the inside

Slowly falling apart

But still I will smile for you

You won't ever know

How I feel

I won't be able to take your rejection

You'll just give up on me anyways

I'm not like her

I'm not as pretty

I'm not as lovely

We would never have worked out

But I still cry at night

I still think of you

You and me,

You with me.

I'm losing my mind

I'm breaking

But you will never see it

I'll still wear that smile on my face.

Endless, hopeless yearnings

With no one on the other

Side to reciprocate the love

I wish to give.

Hurt at first

I sigh, eventually move on

And keep loving 

Them- now as 

Friends, confidants

People I can converse with.

It's a bittersweet relationship

At first, but over time 

Matures into sweeter wine.