When I give and give and you just take

My heart is filled with you

You placed me in last place

I always crave those that don’t give a shit

You just push me aside and treat me like I’m worthless

I know you’re not good for me

I never really cared

I put you before myself

So of course you treated me like I was worthless

I didn’t know my worth

How can you love me

When I don’t love myself

I put myself last

Yet want to be your first

I treat myself like dirt

But in some logic

Expected you to treat me better

That’s not love

I want you to give me something

I can’t even give myself

It’s time to do better

I need to work on me

I don’t deserve anyone’s love

Til I fix my insecurities

My self hate

Till I realize how amazing I am

I can’t expect anyone to do the same

How do you put your heart on the line for someone who treats you like a second thought?

I try to tell my if I give and give then he may just invited me in his heart

I think to myself maybe he just need time

Yet with time nothing changes

I’ve feeling grow but I’m treated the same

I tell myself I should just give up but I receive a bit of affection

So I hold on to it like a life line

Is this pain really worth it?

He makes me happy yet sad

But isn’t love painfully?

Where do I go from here?

At midnight I cried

Tears feeling never ending

The pain sinking in

The whole week I was depressed

It was a day I dread

Being single was nothing compared to the pain I felt two years ago

When I lost my last grandfather the air in my lungs disappeared

My family knew he was dying but no one told me

On Valentine’s Day I received the news through text while I was driving

When they pulled the plug I found through Facebook

When I finally processed what happened I was in the shower washing my hair

The air disappeared I sank to the floor of the shower trying to breathe

Darkness taking over pain filling my chest

The voice of my friends barely making sense

Trying to find the air

Gasping and gasping

The pain and tears drowning me

I finally found air and relaxed

Letting the pain sink in

The day is a hard one for me

I realized I didn’t take advantage of the time I had left with him

He will always be in my heart and memories

And I pray he’s watching over me

Come with me

See what other don’t see

Things about me that make me great

Embrace life with me

Feel how I feel

Each and everyday

Help me make my smile a sign of happiness

Not something that hides my pain inside

Help me find my reason to live

Raise my spirit and I’ll raise yours

Let’s enjoy each other’s company

Til the end

Trying to find ways to fill the empty space where my broken heart once laid

To soothe the pain that drives my mind insane because of the never ending ache

But what does one do when sex is a temporary fix til I end up a soulless body looking for a purpose

Depression hits hard as my daily pain drives me mad and the medicine helps but I’m drowsy dizzy and always knocking out. I can’t go without cause the pain doubles and the withdrawal symptoms make me feel like an addict or a fiend

My meaning of holiday

Time with family

Laughter filled rooms

Joy and goodwill

Expressing wishes too

Helping those without

You always should

Celebration of life

Sometimes I think I’ve lived to long

Hearts were broken

Tears were cried

Each day is the same song

In a world so evil

And the people are corrupt

No cares for love

cause they’d rather fuck

Life will never be a breeze

Haters never please

Trying to take every piece of me

So I’m no longer me

I’ve know I’ve lived too long

Only 20

that’s not stopping death from try to take me

Men from trying to break me

The constant pain in my chest from drowning me

Drowning in addiction to take the pain away 

​All while wishing for a better day 

Hoping time will stop but time waits for no one

When the clock stops that's the end

You're gone but the world around you moves on 

Its hard living in a cold world 

​Where as a woman you constantly face double standards

Theres standards on how to dress

Standards on how you act 

Even standards on how many people you screw and who you screw 

Standard created by men and enforced by other women

As women we could show each other love and support

But instead we call each other bitches and whores 

We fight over men play each 

There's no sisterhood but we'd do anything for the brothers

I am the type to reaction

When attacked

I have a different type of anger

That should not be seen or released

So I don’t put myself in the position to explode

There’s levels to my anger you just don’t know

If I’m harmed the lights go off

Pitch black I don’t see a thing just attack

I don’t know what I’m doing or what’s going on

Til the lights come on and I’m shown

The cruelty I possess the darkness the evil

I find myself a few seconds away doing real damage and if the pitch black was around long the attacker would be dead

opening myself up time and time again

Picking up the pieces of my heart over and over again

wiping away my tears facing my fears of getting broken

its wishful and hopeless to think people will change

its my fault because i keep letting them in

chance after chance allowing them to hurt me

to make me feel as if im not worthy

but i can't help but do this to myself

i believe one day the right one will come

when he does ill be waiting with open arms

until then ill be finding myself

bettering myself and following this cycle until

i get my ever after