Feeling like I never belonged

I latched onto a scene

Loud, angry and dirty

It had the same energy as me

Internalized my environment

Became the noise drowning me out

Forced to be quiet for so long

It felt good to finally open my mouth

I became a human bullhorn

There was no keeping my voice down

From seeing red and being cornered

It felt like I had choices now

I found my trusted allies

This feels like sacred ground

Its the smile after getting hit in the pit

When I knew my place was found

Its ours, not yours, and it alway has been

But if youre feeling it at all you could be considered a friend

Can't choose to have this in your bones, you don't have to pick

Youre family now, tell em gatekeep this dick

I get down on myself for not being a perfect friend

And then i dont know how to get you to talk to me again

I replay it all, a year in commotion

And remind myself its a privilege to feel this emotion

You gave me the love you needed, so then no one else stacked up

You were insistent even when i said its enough

You didnt die fast, a suicide in slow motion

I have to remember its a privilege to feel this emotion

For years I thought wrong, that I didnt have it in me

I couldn't help but miss the forest and see just the 1 tree

My shores are connected but im alone like the ocean

Dawning on me like a sunrise, Its a privilege to feel this emotion

Turning it all into rage I was an anger alchemist

In a red prison and trying to be an agonist

I no longer get worked up when I feel lonesome

Because its a privilege to feel this emotion

As the world exists and becomes less soft

I will continue to smile and welcome things I am not

It cant defeat us, together we could be the chosen

Because its a privilege to feel this emotion

Its a complex idea, a twisting of belief

That when under duress, you must stand on your own feet

But i look around and see arms extended and frozen

Im not alone, Its a privilege to feel this emotion

I sit high above the river

Please roll me down like a stone

Its the rushing of the water

That makes me feel not so alone

From the hilltop to the holler

From the grasslands to the sea

Why do we worship the dollar

And not the love betwixt you and me

They mark our graves when we go

Put a stone on our heads

This feels backwards to me

Rather become one instead

Yes its a place for mourning

Bow your head and say a prayer

But if i became a stone

You could grieve me anywhere

Im the shale by the roadsides

Im the rocks around the garden

Im never that far from you

And baby im just getting started

In the painted rocks the kids hide

And those polished in the 80s

Have you looked down when you leave the house

Cause thats where ive been lately

Im in the pebbles in your jewlery

And even the boulder that crushed my pap

You can find me anywhere babe

So please please please dont be sad

Even though my shapes changed

I am still delicate

One day we'll all be forgotten

And absorbed in the sediment

Streetlights flicker on again

And do i hear the dinner bell

Its the whistle of your mother

The one you knew so well

But theres a second noise and its not her

But its still your mother too

Mother nature’s shouting

Shes calling out to you

If i become a stone please

Will someone carry me

Far from where i laid down last

And toss me into the sea

Whether the waves take me

Or thrash me about the shore

I really want you to know that

You couldnt have helped me more

I join you on a picnic

To hold the corners of

The blanket that you brought with

To sit on with your new love

Collect me from the shoreline

And then whip me in the creek

You have to use the perfect angle

And count how many times you skipped me

In a quorum around stonehenge

And every block of the pyramids

You dont know how or why dear

All you know is that it is

Im the stone you played hopscotch with

And the rocks you threw at trains

Ill always be around you

My final form ive obtained

Im your moms old pet rock

And i decorate your hands

Im in every arrowhead

Of the owners of this land

Aztecs sacrificed on me

And now thats what i must do

Give myself to the earth

I remain to observe you

I was carved into the greatest art

But im also seen as trash

It may be all about perspective

Or its just about who you ask

I heard the joke

It was told well enough

But I didn't even smirk

Couldn't give that much

My smile has value

And I hold it hostage

My mouth is so protected

Youd think my teeth were caustic

A chuckle never sounds

My head wont be thrown back

You can try your hardest

But you won't hear my laugh

And you walk straight up to me after the set

“Can I ask you a question?” You say not in jest

“Why so serious?” And i reply “Oh Honey…

Its nothing against you, I just dont think youre funny.”

Theres a bar that killed my father

Not for real but exaggerating helps

Its been turned into apartments

And I've rented one for myself

The walls feel the same

But the energy has shifted

Cream paint can cover the stains

But the sadness was omitted

Ive been connected here for as long as I remember

He was here whenever he had time

Id call here to get ahold of him

I learned the number even before I knew mine

Its a strange feeling knowing where someone is

But also knowing they're lost

Through a lifetime of hardness

Somehow I still remain soft

I still hear the chatter

I can feel the atmosphere

Its not comforting in the least

Why did he love it here

When im having a bad day

And I walk through that door

Ive never felt as connected

Never felt like him more

I can see him perk up

Peek a smile and ask for a beer

Sit upon the stool with a sigh

Even in bed im not that comfortable here

Ive made my home here so that I could now tell

Stories of how my dad was around

The classic father son stories follow quickly

Im lying through my teeth and it makes me feel sickly

So I close my eyes and remember to breathe

Because his deathbed is now where I sleep

I am not him and he is not me

Ill pack in the morning and shut the door gently when I leave

Is there a moment

When a child gains awareness

Can you see it in their eyes

Or does it build up on the daily

The change is so slight you don't notice

Everyday a little less little kid

And a little more realization

Of who you are and what you did

Your past is in their blood

But does that weigh them down

Should you apologize for who you are

Or try to make up for it now

So you smile more, intentionally

You listen with loving interest

So youre giving the best of you

But are you doing it for the right reasons

Can a rotten apple grow a tree

Can you water a seed with acid

Can you take the best parts of me

See the worst and just move past it

What seperates acting good from being

Who is the grand decider

I've questioned myself so much

I've become a self denier

Is a villain any less real than a hero

Is the bad guy less tangible

If theres thorns covering the stem

Does it mean it doesnt want to be handled

Everyone has secrets

But what if mine is my core

None of this is natural

And i dont want to do it anymore

If im just an actor and this my role

I wish the director would yell cut

Clap the film slate and wipe it clean

I dont think ive ever been enough

Its the pressure not the heat

That's the misconception

When youre smothered beneath the embers

You quickly learn that lesson

The pain is unfathomable

And the result is called a myth

Nobody knew me before

So whats it matter if they believe i exist

My only sustenance oxygen

To feed my feathered flare

A reward or a punishment

I question with a weathered glare

But what is, happens to be

My history now feels profane

When I changed so did every memory

And my present is unimaginable pain

The burn isnt for show

Its deep and it hurts

Graceful i may appear

But ive never felt worse

Ive tried to end it

Flown high and dove deep

But I can't run from this

I cant hide from me

I close my eyes tight

For a second to rest

This feels like the same heat

That used to burn in my chest

Its consumed me fully

Im feeling all dried up

To rise out of the ashes

Isn't supposed to be fucked

Stepped out into the oppressive rain

Cycling through my veins is generational pain

The tires are fine but im finally tired

I'll take whats deserved not just whats desired

Broken bottle in my hand imitating me with jagged edges

Spines born of injustice and sad ragged vestiges

The rain weighing down the fabric of my clothes

Like the roots of my family tree pulling till im alone

“Sir you should look at this” I feint needing help

I cant stop imagining him on the ground bleeding out

My freedom in reach, just a red bag away

Enclosed within; my entire lifetimes pay

Not taking me seriously, just waving me off

My blood boils yet my voice remains soft

“Sir id like your opinion on what to do now”

He sets down his phone and takes a step out

As he descends to the wheel

The target of his attention

I take a deep breath

Ready to teach him this lesson

My arms start the motion

To force the bottle in deep

I squint expecting blood

Then glass and head meet

I felt the resistance

The pushback was skull

My hands are shaking

I cant feel them at all

My future now for the first time uncertain

Cause I ended one but became a bad person

I stick around long enough to listen

To his breathing cease and see his pool of blood glisten

I grab the bag and start sprinting away

Thinking of how much tomorrow wont be today

I just have to escape, turn tail and be gone

Cause of course the main suspect is the rickshaw man's son

You cant climb a ladder that doesn't touch the ground

You cant be a success when no hope can be found

Try and evolve oppressed in desolation

And you'll find yourself understanding my situation

Its years gone now and I live like a king

My life is soo different and I dont regret a thing

This world is a mess this country is worse

It could be a bit better if you put yourself first

Renovated but rustic

I stroll through my new home

Wanting to take it all in

Needing to make it my own

Every doorway a gift

Im homeless no longer

But theres one I think I missed

And I cant help but wonder

So I shuffle forward

My feet thankful for floor

Embarrassingly content

How could there be more?

As the knob twists inside I hear nothing

And gaze upon something utterly stunning

Im standing now deep in a memory

Staring at my past and what it means for me

I dont belong here I shouldn't have tried

But the streets are soo cold these past few nights

I step back quickly, slamming it shut

I deserve to take a breath, im worth that much

It swings open to look back at me

But now its my future and its outlining defeat

So i try and take solace in the moment at present

But if this is a victory it doesnt feel that different

Yes im warmer and my stomach is full

But the feeling im holding onto is increasingly dismal

Ive sacrificed all of me to finally be here

But I cant spend another second looking in this mirror

I board it up, along with the other reflective planes

Won't allow myself to play these deceptive games

The streets were my prison but now I've made my own

Take your shoes off at the door, Welcome home.

I kiss and sniff your arm when I wake from sleep

I want to take a bite to keep a morsel with me

Ill stick in in my lip like a hipster does with zyn

Carry it all day then in the morning do it again

And when the arm gets a little sparse ill switch sides

Ill convince you somehow cause I need it to get by

Without a piece of you with me at all times

I dont know who I am or if I can survive

Im addicted to your skin

I yearn for a little piece of flesh

Its what keeps me going

Its whats keeping me fresh

A nibble here and a small bite there

Once bones exposed id thought youd care

But so far nothing so again im masticating

Now im skipping and chewing this is so liberating

You dont bandage up, you let your wounds breathe

You look at them like theyre tattoos of me

And when we walk away both covered in blood

I cant help but notice its the shade of love

And if these bites were to get infected

Grow black and green with pus from the scab

Through this sickness I feel more connected

You'll chew bits of me as a kind of rehab

Youre feeling better but now youre addicted too

The urge for flesh growing within you

So I lay back, and expose my tender spots

For you to take from me in ways that keep us soft

This obsession has grown more and more

Till we are 2 skeletons laid out on the floor

No explanation, no help from above

No skin left but smiling cause we are in love