I can feel myself getting darker

It’s something I’ve never felt before

Not even two years ago

The light inside of me is slowly dimming

The shadows are pulsing through my veins

And the scariest part of it is,

I think I like it…

And I don’t know why

I want it to stay as much as I want it to leave

It is starting to become a bad friend that makes me feel

And I like being able to feel

I can see myself getting darker

I gravitate towards the color black

I like the way that it makes me feel

The color black makes me feel… dangerous

The “innocent church girl” doesn’t reside here anymore

Why was that phrase always so insulting?

The color black doesn’t make me feel naïve

It makes me feel intimidating

I like the way it looks on me

Complimenting my pale skin and blue eyes

It makes me look skinnier and stronger

When I was younger

I refused to wear black because I thought it made me look like I was in mourning

Oh, the irony…

Maybe I’m mourning a piece of myself

I can hear myself getting darker

Sometimes the way that I speak to others scares me

The way that I speak to myself should scare me even more

But it doesn’t

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my thoughts

I would never say the things that I say to myself to someone else

To someone that I love

But maybe that’s because I don’t really love myself

Even though I act like I do

Because no one must know that the darkness inside me is growing

or that it’s even there at all

So I will put on my mask

Like I’ve done every single day of my existence

They always leave and never stay

Even when I told them about how I had been hurt in the past by other men

Even when they reassured me that they would never do anything to hurt me

Even when they say, “It’s me, not you…”

They always leave and never stay

Even when my anxiety topples over me and I can’t breathe

Even when the panic sets in and I call for help

Even when I say I need them to hold me until the pain goes away

They always leave and never stay

Even when I give them all that I have to show my dedication and commitment

Even when I give up the most important part of myself

Even when I’m left naked in their bed

They always leave and never stay

Even when the night was so magical

Even when everything went perfectly without a flaw

Even when I saw the fireworks and felt the electricity

They always leave and never stay

Even when they say, “You are so beautiful”

Even when they say, “There is no one else like you”

Even when they say, “You deserve so much better than me”

They always leave and never stay

Even when I pay for my food because I don’t want to be an inconvenience

Even when I make all of the plans to hang out

Even when I make enough effort for both of us to make it by

They always leave and never stay

Even when I am always there for them

Even when they need a fix

Even when they need a friend

They always leave and never stay

Because I love them too much

Because I don’t know any other way  

Because “It’s me, not you…”

They always leave and never stay… and I will never understand why…

You could’ve had it all…

My love was more than enough

For both of us to live off of

And your minimal contribution

Was more than enough for me

You could’ve had it all…

I opened up my chest and showed you

The darkest parts of me

While you boarded yours up

So that I couldn’t even see your scars

You could’ve had it all…

Because when it came to you

I was faster than lightening

I was the eye of the storm

But you never acknowledged the calm

You could’ve had it all…

I showed you off

Like you were made of sapphire  

When everyone knew

That you were made of sand

You could’ve had it all…

My intentions were always true

For you

But were yours true

For me?

You could’ve had it all…

the few good memories we made

Overthrew the countless bad ones

And it’s because I knew that you

Were capable of loving me too

You could’ve had it all… because you could’ve had me

But you were too thoughtless to ever consider the soul that you had, and lost

I want someone to love me the way that I am capable of loving them

And even though I know, I know for now, we are just friends

I hope your attraction towards me never ends

Because I'm afraid that if mine dies

Then you will realize that it was me this whole time

But I will have already moved on like you were never mine

And our story will go undefined

I have so much to say to you though

But as soon as you speak all those thoughts leave my brain

And their importance to you is left unknown

Forever engraved on all of my bones

You see? It's so hard for me to understand

When you say that you're not like all the other men

Who get what they want and leave as soon as the movie ends

But I want to believe that there is something different about you

Because to me,

You are more than just a friend

You're more than just phase for me

I can't begin to explain this to you lightly

But you mean the world to me

And excuse me if I'm being too blunt,

But you see?

You make me feel more than my capability

Please don't make me feel this way

Love me all night,

Only to leave me the next day

Because I'm more than just a temporary stop on your way

And all I really want is for someone to stay

I know you are going through so much in your brain

And nothing is more unbearable than the pain

But trust me when I say that I feel the exact same

Because we are both bound by a long unbreakable chain

As much as I want to be your friend

I don't think I can

At least not in the way that you recommend

Because I have already started to build the foundation

On which our relationship stands

I apologize for falling too hard

I only do that because I'm the past I've been scarred

Which may take some time for you to understand at first

But for me I sometimes feel like love isn't in my cards

So I cling to the men who show interest in me

Because they took interest in this nobody

But maybe I held on too tight

Which made them want to be free

And I'm always left keeping my own company

So please,

Make a choice with haste

Because my heart can't take this agonizing pace

I will be friends with you

If you wish

However, we cannot go past first base

For if we do

I can't stop my heart from starting this painful race

And I know this because I've been here before

But I'm hoping that you will prove the past different

And give me more

Because all the past abuse has made my heart sore

And I don't know if I can take it anymore

So for now,

We can be just friends

But know this

I will always want more than just one kiss

And I love the way it feels

When your hands touch my hips

But if we are just friends

That's too big of a risk

Because if it all ends,

Is it worth the fix?