Mhm.

This morning smells like warm bagels. And donuts. I’m passing by a bakery and I can see the people walking out of the shop. They’re busy, so they all get a take out.

I look at them, I wave and smile. They seem troubled. I move on.

I’m amazed by the beautiful day, so I sit down next to a fountain. Near the fountain there is a jasmine plant and as the breeze dances with my hair, the jasmine flowers end up in the fountain water. It smells exactly like that. Jasmine and stagnant water.

I walk past an old school. The last bell just rang so all of the children went out in a hurry.

I look at them and all of a sudden I can feel the smell of the chalk and the sponge that I used to clean the board with.

I enter the ruins of my grandma’s old house and I can almost feel the kiss of my first ever boyfriend. I close my eyes, but instead of the image of the kiss all suddenly start thinking of the smell of the gum he had been chewing. It was a watermelon gum.

I turn around and I realize that everything smells old. All of the smells are fading away.

Through the tears I laugh my lungs out. For years now I’d been able to remember every scent, feel every smell.. Except for the smell of you. Now I can’t feel anything.

Now I am free.

I've had so many paper cuts knock me on the floor

Here are some tequilla shots, don't leave me I want more

Cheers to the plans we made, are you happy with that whore

Choke off the sound I make oh, no, no, no, mi amor

Hey there whatcha doing?

Boy you busy?

Go ahead now, call me on my phone

You know I am fuious, so rush before I'm gone

You took my time away, I'll write that on your stone

You're a grown ass man who likes to kid around, she's just ice cream in a cone

BLAAAHHh,

you stupid

Are you even serious to think that I'll be yours

go on take all your things away, I'm closing all the doors,

all the smell of shit round here, just closed off all my pores

you're an asshole who should burn in hell, i'm done with the metaphors.

Just... go away

I don't want to see you

EVER AGAIN

ASSHOLE

I was four

With your wedding dress on

It was simple it was rare

It was beautiful long

I heard you laugh

Hugged you tight

Asked you is this all right

My little toes dancing fast

around the kitchen light

We felt wrong we were broke

In that tiny flat

Dreams were gone,

You were strong

My daddy made you mad

I took a vow, wished a wish

To never go through that

But here we are

Paralyzed by you choosing pain

You know mom

I held my breath as I watched you go

Jumped the bed yelled so loud

and I punched the walls

You took me home

I was scared asked you are we all right

Then you said don’t give up

I’m gonna win this fight

Go ahead say it loud

How it’s all my fault

I look like you as I grow old

And you too hate that so

I am here what you need

just hold my hand

Don’t you know I love you

I’m your best friend

Hey mom

Just dont push me away.

Look at me don’t give in

Let the world turn grey

You and me can’t you see

We can make it anywhere

Come on mom, think again

I am here by your side

Please come back

I feel lost,

thought we could win this fight.

You are home, all alone

You look at me

I am walking down the hall

then you give me the pill

Is this real, I can’t believe

Can you be so cruel?

I storm out, then come back

Mom, this isn’t a duel!!

I took a vow, wished a wish

To never go through that

But here we are

Paralyzed by you choosing pain

Lock me up, i’m not enough

I just fail too much

The only man I’ve ever loved

He turned to love the dutch

You pay my meals, provide the house

I’m just a whore on your back

You are mad coz you’re sad

But my life is the wreck

And I can’t do this anymore

It’s time for me to go tonight

Hope I’ll find my light

Into the unknown.

I’m sorry mom.

Numb the pain

Just one more shot

Bulletproof even when I’m not

Forget the shame

Lets tell the truth

We know we’re vain

We just blame the youth

I drive the car

This night is cold

Or maybe not

I’m just outsold

Who knows why and who knows how

You are all i need to hold right now

But you’re not... here...

So I change the gears

...and die

Oh oh oh

IN MY MIND

I go through everything we’ve been through

I walk down the road that you took me to

And I can’t seem to find

Any reason to be happy now

Hold on teach me how to smile again

Don’t go, Don’t say goodbye just yet

Coz maybe I learn to heal all the hurt

And maybe you’re the man that I deserve

But you’re not... here

So I change the gears

...and cry

I hate this goodbye

Please

oh

please

oh

please dont go

I go through everything we’ve been through

I walk down the road that you took me to

You I can’t seem to find

I’m losing my mind

Hold on lets play the song again

Don‘t go don‘t leave me alone just yet

And maybe I learn to get rid of my dirt

Coz maybe you’re not the man that I deserve

Numb the pain

Just one more shot

Im bulletproof even when im not.

4am thoughts

Schrödinger’s Cat

I hate cats. Honestly, I can’t stand them.

Anyhow, Schrödinger’s Cat remains the one thought experiment I can’t get out of my head. It is better known for its impact in quantum physics but it is actually something that keeps you awake at night without you even realizing it.

I’m not really a physics person and I definitely do not understand quantum anything but here is a little fraction that my mind has managed to capture from this experiment.

Schrödinger was a scientist who wanted to show how the scientific theory works. He stated that no one knows if the scientific theory is right or wrong until it can be tested and proved. In order to prove that argument, he came up with the following experiment. If you place a cat and something that could kill the cat in a box, close the box and leave it sealed, there’s no way for you to know for sure whether the cat is dead or alive until you open the box, which would mean that during that time the cat is both "dead and alive".

It’s ridiculous I know, and I’m serious, Schrödinger should just.. chill. Anyway, this reminds me of something I actually believe that I understand better. People.

Ever since we can remember it, we live in a box. There are things constantly adding up. All of those things tend to leave a mark.

Some, keep us alive; some kill us; and there is no way we can know for certain which of those things brings the misfortune. We are scared, we look back on past mistakes and realize that all of the choices we could’ve made would eventually bring the exact same ending.

Schrödinger’s cat could’ve been the nicest cat in the world, yet nobody asked it whether it wanted to be in the box. Nobody told that cat to defend itself. I’m pretty sure the cat was clueless, and all it wanted to do was just sleep and growl. Instead it got to be stuck with the dangerous radioactive atom whose best virtue is to kill ONLY BECAUSE SOMEBODY WANTED TO PROVE A POINT. Bravo Schrödinger. I mean, how big of a psycho do you have to be to get a cat and get it killed? Okay, maybe I should just chill.

But, it’s not really about the cat for me. It’s about faith. It’s about having both of the given options and choosing to believe in the one which would result as a more positive outcome. It’s about knowing what could happen and still be steady to give it a try. And what if the box never existed? Does the radioactive atom seriously need to capture the cat in order to kill it? That way, the only thing we prove is how the twisted atom is powerless in the face of light, and how the cat is unstoppable. Just like any other cat.

Shame on you Schrödinger… Shame on you!

I've never seen a sandstorm

But I bet it would smell like you.

Pretending it is wild, showcasing 'realness'

when all it actually is.. is suffocating.

Your silhouette so beautiful to watch, yet

you only get to feel it once you close your eyes... Coz it hurts.

Doesn't it make your cheecks hot and your legs tremble?

...Well Maybe, I just feel dizzy.

I can only imagine a sandstorm in a desert.

Funny how I can do anything, but desert you.

Everything was perfect,

we built trust, we built a home

I don't think we deserved it

we were just kids, we did things wrong.

Honey you were trying

you didn't want to let me go,

but I knew you were lying

your eyes didn't sparkle anymore.

...So all we're left with are the words we couldn't say

we were best friends, but it can never be the same

I've been losing my mind trying to get you back,

but there's no chance, I've made amends.

I lit the candles, burnt the words on every page

I have moved on, spent a year on every stage

no more sad songs, coz I too found a place to stay

but I miss, I miss, I miss, my best friend.

I can't tell you, but everyday since you have left

I've been truthfull to my prayers, I have faith

Hope you're happy, hope you've reached the clouds above

and maybe one day, you'll remember our love...

...coz I miss, I miss, I miss my best friend.

What separates humans from any other creatures is the ability to think, feel, express and control those thoughts/feelings. Humanity has evolved and developed a lot throughout history, so has our communicational skillset. We have invented means of sending codes all across the Globe with the idea of getting closer to each other and therefore make our lives easier and happier, no matter the distance. We constantly approve the usage of social media in order to strengthen the validation of our social existence, only to realize that at one point we will not exist at all. While this provides us with an astonishing liberty of discovering every corner of the world, our own worlds often seem to be demolished by the overwhelming criteria of successfully contributing to societal norms. Is it that we lost our path to humanity when building out of ourselves machinery strong enough to put up with any pressure, while in fact we were aspiring to become more human? Is it that we lost track of logic when rationalizing even the loudest cry for help only because others classify cries as weakness, not as a sign of true emotional stability The seek for perfection has left us so blinded that we cannot even see how we’ve been playing games by ourselves, yet we never seem to win. We stopped listening to understand, but only to reply. We stopped breathing to live, but only to be admired. How long will it take until we lose the last shred of self worth because we have become so keen on losing everything truly worthy? I could easily just stop holding on to the idea of change, but I refuse to let go of anything which makes me the human that I am. And that is not my weakness, but my greatest strength. But who knows whether my children will feel the same.

Morning coffee and a loaf of bread

Monsters hiding underneath my bed

Couldn’t wait to see you burn in flame,

Hold on Maybe I can change who I am.

Scary voices inside my head,

Lurking shadows take my breath

Are you all right mister?

Here, take my hand.

Midnight talks and bills to pay

Nothing changes, but my own way

Now I see you’re the hunter and i’m your prey.

Hold on, let me change my name.

A few years have gone and past,

Never made it to the list of guests

I guess we skipped the part where we meet.

You look good, you have changed,

A few more worries made you age,

But baby, time just seems to fly.

Hey, You and me always say goodbye.

Open doors don’t push or pull

What’s meant to be won’t wait it’s turn.

I’d love you till the stars and moon collide.

Beyond the fire I stand, not tall, but free

There are things to feel, and things to see.

But Hold on. Here I am, who I want to be, who I’ve always been.

Sand over my feet

As I’m looking around for the sky

But there are only trees

through whose shadows I can never fly.

Pictures, I’ve learned to keep

Guarding angels never let me down

But the shore is almost gone

One last moment, let me feel the ground

Please forgive me, I can’t be around.

But there is something more than this,

just spread your fingers while cutting through the air,

naked bodies don’t exist,

it’s just reckless choices and mistakes.

Beyond the mountains I can hear a silent whisper of a lonely lion cub

In my reflection all I see

Are the million shining little stars.

Don’t forget me,

my footsteps reached so far.

And there is something more than this, once you listen to the voice of your heart,

Close your eyes and then you’ll see

that this jungle is right there in your palms.

Just close your eyes and then you’ll see that this jungle is right there in your palms