Squandered time and wasted pain

Was it worth it for you? It's been so

So long since I looked forward

To crying myself to sleep

There was a time when I had so much.

I wanted to love, I wanted to help,

I wanted to feel. And well, I did feel

But not in the way that we had intended

Now instead of pain, I can feel my soul

Is not filled at all. I have been drained

Not only of love, but hate, but hope.

All I have left to show of you and I

Is the fact that I am I empty

I feel like I have been robbed of so much,

But it turns out that everything that's gone

I gave away myself. It wasn't your fault,

but mine, and I wanted to share all that I had-

And everything that I happily gave,

Is now deteriorating

In the back of your head

And I'm just waiting

To feel ok again.

No, I do not find faith in god

I find faith in the planet that gave me life

The water that runs

And the air that fuels the vastness around me,

I find faith in the birds that sing,

And in the bees that dance, although they don't know why.

No, I do not find faith in science,

I find faith in the flowers that grow

In the trees that still stand

In the sand on the beaches, millions of years old

Still serving a purpose

In the stars above that appear, every night, without fail, although there is no obligation.

No, I do not find faith in love

I find faith in flesh

I find faith in your lungs

A quiet engine, granting you time

That you never asked for

I find faith in the way that your fingers move

I find faith in the way that your hair and nails grow, relentlessly, although you may have stopped growing, yourself.

No, I do not find faith in my brain,

I find faith in my soul

I find faith not in my heart, but

In my perception.

I do not find faith in my organs

I find faith in resilience, in resistance.

I find faith in my will to survive, although

I don't know why.

I can see god, everywhere I go.

I can find heaven in the strangest places

Divinity is everywhere, it surrounds me,

And it surrounds you.

No, I do not find faith in God,

I find faith in nature,

I find faith in myself,

I find faith In you,

And all around me,

I find faith.

I feel like no matter what, I am going to get hurt. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I am filled with so many emotions, I don't know why I need so much. I have so much love to give. I am filled with it, it's leaking from my pores. I want more than anything to find someone to shower with my affections, someone who wants to be showered with my love, someone who wants to shower me with what they have- although I know at this point no one has as much love to give as I do. I feel my body welling up with emotions that at one time I assumed as confusion, hate, sadness. But now I see that all along what's inside me swaying like a large field full of wheat, running like a waterfall taller than the Empire State Building, is love. Love that has been sitting dormant inside of me for as long as I can recall. Love that won't expire, but that grows volatile. If it wasn't for this love taking my body hostage, I would be okay. I would never hurt, I would never expect anything from anyone, I would never try or assume or care. If it wasn't for this love I would be happy. And I'm seeing it as a curse, something that I want nothing more to give, but in itself is preventing me from sharing. For years I have been conserving, hoping, trying, only for all hope to be squandered in the end. The love inside of me is like a raging sea, that is confined to a bathtub. The love inside of me is like a rocket ship equipped for outer space, but Is launched into the dirt instead. The love inside of me is a black hole, that is consuming and abusing me, that I will never seem to detach from. Without it I would be nothing, no one. My love is my identity. But with it, I am a coward, I am weak, I am useless. Like a machine who can't do it's job, I belong in the trash. It's not the love inside of me that is faulty, it is me.

I’m sitting on the train with my head leaning on the shiny metal railing thinking about what you were hoping to gain from me, and if you gained it

I am sitting on the train thinking that I will never find someone to love me more than they have loved anyone else

I am a tender girl with tender feelings. I have so much love inside of me it is leaking out of every orifice of my body. And turning into waste that rots on the sidewalk

And it’s running down the cracks of the pavement and onto the road and as people walk by they trudge through what used to be my happiness

But all it is now is an inconvenience, an embarrassment

As the doors of the train open, the coldness and the snow sweep in and out of the car quickly, as if realizing it had made a mistake

Knowing where it stands, it retreats back into the air, and out of this depressing subway car

And I thought that I was happy, and I feel like I am not allowed to be sad. And I still can’t figure out

What I saw in you

it’s hard for me to know that 

i have built my walls up so high

that no person would ever care to try

to climb over them and into me

it’s not that i don’t want to be loved

and it’s not that i don’t want to love

it’s just that

inside of these walls, deep into this facade that 

i have created- i am tender, i am raw, i am small, and i am scared

it’s not about passion, it’s about protection

it is not about love, it is about lost time

people think that i am cold

in reality i am so warm that

i feel like a spring afternoon, laying in the grass

and even though this warmth is deeply hidden

inside the depths

of the labyrinth i have built around myself

i am getting warmer every day.

I am just going to let it all unravel

Like a ball of yarn, until there is nothing left but a long string of memories and of lessons.

So many things, places, and people- I am just going to let it all unravel.

Sitting on a bench next to a homeless man sleeping, I bet he let it all unravel.

Life is hard and life is sweet. Sometimes it is too much for me, but most times it’s not enough.

Everywhere I go, every way I act, everything I see, and everyone around all just seems extra.

The world is too full for me.

Sometimes I feel like my surroundings are too much- at any moment everything will implode and turn to dust.

I can feel my energy leaking from my pores. I can feel it dripping from my forehead all the way down to the pavement beneath me.

As my body pours with lost aura, wasted time, I can feel myself being hallowed out like an old tree being eaten away by insects.

I just want to let it all unravel, and see where it goes from there.

And now it’s just water under the bridge 

Or a bridge underwater

I can feel myself delving into the deep blue, trying to differentiate if I am falling from the sky or swimming to the surface

All of this wasted time has got to amount to something. All of these hollow fucks have got to mean something.

It’s the repetition of patterns. The patterns that are making me crazy.

As hard as I try to shift reality everything always comes back full circle.

Like the phases of the moon, like the shifting of the tides.

As hard as I try it always ends the same

As the cycle goes, the story goes along with it/ always ending and beginning at the same points

I’m trying to get better, I’m trying to break the chain, the more I try the more it hurts

But at least I know what to expect.