this is why

sometimes i’m not. and sometimes i am. yes i was like that yesterday, and today i am not. i will not waste my energy on the thought of yesterday when i can be whoever i want right now. I’m forever changing. going back and forth. fighting and accepting. I’m a walking contradiction, a notorious truth seeker, brave at one moment and whimpering the next. I’m peaceful, yet terrified. complete, yet broken. awake, but dreaming. here, then gone. this is why i am hard to love. 

walk away from people who make your flaws seem any less than perfect. Run away from the ones who dim your light. dance with the ones who make you glow, help you grow. If they make you feel alive, keep them close. because there is only so much magic in this world; keep the ones who make your soul flutter with magic. keep them forever.

my mother tells me i'm very liberal when it comes to sex.

my father becomes baffled when i hassle him about his political views. 

my sister is somewhere out there eating acid in a desert storm.

my grandfather is dying of old age, and a bitter heart.

my best friend told me i've lost my light.

my boss tells me i inspire her. 

we're all the fucking same. 

everything is so blurry. 

i lost my favorite shoes again. 

maybe a little bit of my soul too.

i keep falling into the arms of the wrong man. 

why am i continuously doing this to myself?

am i crying out for you,

or am i trying to push you away?

none of this is good.

i miss you

maybe my mother was right. 

maybe it's been you all along, 

maybe we're both self destructing because we are no longer listening to our hearts.

i think i need you.

i think i need myself more. 

              but you are me. i am you. 

                     what the fuck am i supposed to do?

remember me as a time of day.

just as the sun is setting.

she may be pink, 

maybe teal, 

probably gold.

remember me then.

as the day is ending, the night arriving.

the in-between.

remember 

do i hold on to you. do i let go of you. 

i feel nothing. 

how do i hold you in my hands 

when i cannot even hold myself in my heart. 

you tell me i'm beautiful

i keep telling you I'm not here to be beautiful

you're not afraid of me

every ones afraid of me

you keep looking,

you keep waiting,

reminding me of the masterpiece i am.

i feel everything. 

how do i hold you in my hands

when i cannot even hold myself in my heart.

maybe it was all too easy. maybe you need something to fight for. maybe you need waterfalls and not fireworks. maybe you need sunflowers instead of daisies.

there is only one way i know how to survive.

movement.

stillness.

softness.

love.

that is all i know. that is all i have ever known.

just take my hand, let’s dance again. 

we're all fools anyways.

                                                             go do whatever terrifies the shit out of you.