I wish I was there to experience the day my mother found out she was pregnant with me. Why? Simply because I would love to know her reaction. What she was thinking when she took that pregnancy test? Was she happy? Was she angry? Did she really want to keep me? I want to know the truth about her feelings. I want to know her TRUE feelings. It seems there days she seems to care more about the others that came after me instead of my older brother and I. But he's 18 years old soon he will be off to college again. And once again I will be the outcast. I will be the problem child like always. I want answers to the questions I dare not ask because of the fear of the answer I will get. I seem to think more and more everyday that maybe I do not belong here. Maybe I will be happier somewhere else. I have this fantasy that on day someone will come and break me from the chains that are my mother. Though I love her dearly the truth is still unspoken and I'm starting to think maybe it's better that way.

I have these wounds

These wounds you cannot see

These wounds aren't on the outside

They're inside of me

You cannot clean these wounds

At lest not how you think

You cannot use alcohol to wipe them clean

So I bathe in alcohol to forget temporarily

You cannot put band-aids on them and call it a day

So I smoke till I float,forget,and drift away

Some say I'm too young

So I tell them to live a day with my uncleansed wounds

Some say It's far too soon

I reply, "It's the only way I forget my wounds."

The lie most often told

The lie never gets old

The lie that helps the facade

The lie that helps me get by

Too often do I tell this lie

I'm okay

But am I really alright?

No, but it helps me sleep at night

I'm not okay with being pushed around

I'll truly be at peace once I'm in the ground

But I am not there to day, so therefore

I'm okay

You may ask, "Why do you tell this lie?"

Well see this lie helps me live my life

I'm not okay with getting talked about

But, soon I won't hear your mouth

Even though you fill my head with doubt, still

I'm okay

Soon i will disappear

Only thing remembered will be my tears

I'll be gone with out even a trace

But you'll remember the two worded lie I used to say

Remember the fake smiles on my face, you'll remember one day

Until then,

I'm okay

It happens everyday

I wish I could make the pain go away

To do this you have to be sick, twisted, damn near insane!

It hurts to come to school one day and a friend has disappeared

For that day nothing could stop my tears

Yes, I remember

I remember the story vividly

I remember everything she said to me

I remember how she told me she begged and cried and screamed

I remember how she dried my tears as if I was the one hurt

I remember her telling me his hands felt like dirt

Yes, I remember

I remember how she told me she yelled

Sad how I know this story far too well

She yelled "Stop, please, don't touch me there"!!

But he just slapped her face and pulled her hair

He punched her face, and stripped her bare

I remember

She told me it felt like hours before he finished

For this day she was Robbed of her innocence

I thought we'd stay together for the rest of our years

Until i soon found out she had already disappeared

Oh Yes I remember!!

See i gotta be outta my head to deal with you

I don't think they know the truth

nobody knows what I go through

take a minute girl come sit down

I walked through the valley of the shadow of death

I got that game, I call the play

Shawty come here

Cause I'm gone make you fall in love, when you leave the club

You looking too good, what you standing over there by yourself for

I toss and turn through the night

afraid i'm running out out time.

But i am not running out of

anything

But running from everything

Ran!

I ran away from the evil monsters that chased me in my dreams

Then turned to face them when I realized nothing is what it seems

Run!

I run from boys that get too close to the real me on an everyday basis.

Because every man that has ever entered my life has left, just with different scenarios and situations.

Running!

Why would I be running into loving arms and warm hugs?

When those same things are what pushed me away and sent me running to cold alcohol and uplifting drugs?

Dedicated to those who RAN, who RUN and, those like me who are RUNNING!!!! I feel your pain. And I hope that one day we will be able to STOP RUNNING!!!!! And when we stop we will be able to look back and not be ashamed of our past but proud that we were strong enough to pull through.

Oh my..... it feels like ages since I have last shared a moment so intimate with him. As i open my mouth, he slowly, seductively, softly, places it to my lips as I gaze into his light brown orbs. Oh so slowly I begin to sip....and there it is.... my eyes flutter closed as my taste buds begin to dance!!! The delectable liquid fills my mouth!!!! I begin to sip greedily and my mouth becomes too full. So full in fact the liquid begins to seep out the sides of my mouth so, I begin to swallow.... the refreshing liquid slithers it's way down my throat. I open my eyes to see his light brown orbs full of amusement as he wipes the remaining evidence of his delectable liquid of my chin!!!

I ask "what makes it taste so.....Delectable?!?!"

He chuckles and replies, "Delectable, huh?"

"yes!!!" I reply

"family secret" he replies with a wink

"family secret?" I ask confusion clear on my face

"yep" he replies childishly which makes me smile as i blurt out my thoughts

"But.... it's just strawberry lemonade!!!!!"