Bones and Scars
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
You hear this phrase all the time
I understand this phrase a lot
what I see as beautiful is
bones and scars
That is what I want to be
I want to see all my
beautiful bones stick out
from underneath my skin
That is what I want to see
I want to see big pretty scars
stick up and texture my skin
Most people I know don't feel the same
my friends think bony girls
are unattractive
and think scars are ugly
I don't really know why
I love them so much
when so many people
look down on it
But I don't care
what other people think
this is what I want to be
this is what I want
my body to look like
that is what I want to be
Bones and Scars
A True Man
If your thinking in scientific terms
To be a male all you need
is the right kind of organs
and some testosterone
But if your talking mentality
it really doesn't matter
your sexual organs
it is in your head
it is who you feel like you are
Why must someone prove who they are
"You're not a real man if you ...."
Whatever it is that people
don't think is manly
You can be a real man
if you play sports
or if you dance
or if you like fashion
or whatever it is you love
Don't feel like you have to do
a certain thing or have certain parts
or act a certain way because
that's the manly thing to do
Do what you love
act how you want to
dress how you like
and matter what people tell you
if you feel like a man
then that's who you are
Don't let anyone make you feel any other way
you are who you think you are
even if it takes you some time to figure it out
if you feel like a man you are a man
My Struggles
I write about my life
my pain and struggles
I have been through so much
I have so many feelings and secrets
I keep inside my head
I let them loose
in the words of my poems
All of my poems are really
they are part of my past
they are part of my present
they tell my story
the story I have a hard time
speaking about
even in therapy
were I should share everything
But it it so much easier
speaking in the written word
posting it on here
lets people read it
people can know how I feel
I can't show the people I know
strangers will read
but not try to help me
not try to fix me
or cheer me up
like my friends would
like my family
I can feel heard
without feeling judged
strangers may judge me
but what does it matter
I don't know them
that inspires me
I can speak my mind
I can tell my story
I can feel heard
that is my muse
Bleeding It Out
The feeling build up inside me
I can't express them like most people do
I am not allowed to
I would be a "cry-baby"
I would be a "drama-queen"
all the things friends and family called me
when I was young, just a child
no one said it was okay
no one held me or helped me
my friends mocked me, called me names
my parents got mad, told me to git over it
I can not show the feelings again
as a little kid I hurt myself
when I was mad and could yell
because my parents would git mad
so I cried and hit myself
bang my head on the wall
I would bite myself
I sometimes would git sad instead of mad
I would take my dad's hammer
hit myself, hoping to brake a bone
I would go to the back yard
take a big brick and
throw it at my foot
then I grew up
and now I cut
now I like to bleed
I bleed out the pain
I bleed out the feelings I can't show
I bleed out all the depression
all the bad feelings
banging around in my head
in my stomach and my heart
I bleed it all out
and then I feel free
I feel numb
the good numb
not the numb that
makes you feel like you have no soul
the numb that tells you
you're okay now
the bad feelings are gone
now self harm is everything
it keeps me going
it keeps me from dying
from killing myself
the razors and blood
the opened skin
it keeps me alive
Nothing Helps Anymore
The therapy I been going to for 3 years
the hospital and treatment centers I have been locked up in
the list of 100 coping skills I look at everyday
the coping skills that used to work
or the ones I was told would work
just don't help anymore
I have been trying for years
I have been working on myself for years
I have been suffering even longer
I have been on every pill
I am on so many pills right now
six or seven in the morning
eight or nine at night
natural vitamins and other medications
and none of it makes a difference
the cutting helps me most of the time
helps to stop me from ending it
but not even the kiss of a razor
keeps the thoughts away
nothing is helping me anymore
I have been suffering for way to long
and it's never gonna end
the pain is way too much
to all those who care about me
I am sorry
but please understand
I can't do it anymore
I am so sorry
Heard Things About This Girl
I hear people talk about this girl
She has gray eyes
black hair that falls to her shoulders
People say she is
pretty, nice, and smart
People say she is creative
and they like her art
She is quit
she speaks in whispers
because she is afraid
if someone hears her voice
they'll hear the fear
the fear of all the people around her
so she speaks more on paper
with words and pictures
that few people understand
I started hearing these things
about her in high school
I used to know this other girl
back in jr. high
she had long black hair
that went to the middle of her back
eyes covered by reading glasses
people said she was
weird, awkward, and a nerd
People were nice to her
when they needed to copy her homework
people used to spread rumors and laugh
at her behind her back
she was shy but spoke up
she wanted friends and
she tried her best to make them
so she let people walk all over her
and she left behind a real friend
to try to make more
I used to know this little girl
way back in grade school
she had knotted blonde her
that she hated to have brushed
her eyes were wide and filled with hope
hope that the next school year
would be better then the last
Kids said she was
ugly, fat, and gross
she was loud and cried a lot
she thought people liked her
until they told her what they really thought
she wanted to be liked
more then anything in the world
she wanted others to like her
because she never liked herself
I know this girl
people think a lot of different things
about her
but most of them aren't true
they don't try to git to know her
they see a totally different girl
when they look at her
I am the only one who really know her
I think that she is
fat, ugly, dumb, and useless
I cringe when I see this girl
because I hate the sight of her face
but I still have to see sit every day
I hate her so much that I cut her
I hate her so much I won't let her eat
I hate her so much some times
that I wish she was dead
this girl lives in the mirror
all these girls do
the girls I hear about
I haven't been able to see
I look in the mirror
trying to find the girl
people tell me about now
but all the girls I know
keeps telling me
she doesn't exist