I don't think I'll ever understand how such a debilitating hurt can turn to uncontrollable anger in my hands. If all I want is to feel loved and be held, why does it soothe me to inflict pain on myself?

Part of me wishes I could just blame you, but these things about me have, for too long, been true. And the other part will always protect you, continue to hold the respect that I've lost for you. And fight to preserve the fading image I have of you.

This stupid back and forth

is breaking me apart.

Holding on too tight,

while trying to let go

and as if someone were there

but I'm already on my own.

Torn as if I'm wanted,

like there's a place for me to stay.

When I've been told so many times there's not,

and shown it's always been that way.

It should be gettting easier,

The longer I'm away

The moments fade together,

I don't remember them the same

But while I still long for what you never gave,

The part I miss most is the unjustified pain

Your sudden lashes of anger,

knowing I'd done nothing wrong

The bruises, stings, and aches you left,

used to cover up your lies,

As if you

hitting me

Would twist the truth in MY mind

Too much too fast, I do it every time

I get locked in and can never leave

It's made a mess of my heart and mind.

I don't do casual, for now, or maybe

Yet I never make it clear

And when the for now is over

My forever disappears

I'll be here

Or will I?

I want to be so badly

But the more I wait,

The more I hurt

And know that you don't love me

While I'm clinging desperately

To what I long to happen

You're still swaying back and forth

To something I can't fathom

Just tell me what it is

The lying isn't working

And all it does is tell me

That the waiting isn't worth it

You played your game and played it well,

Don't you think I knew?

In this empty room I tell myself

I'm sorry I'm a fool.

I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,

Dismissed the nauseating truth.

And still every time I wake,

I always reach for you.

To the place you never were,

The one I saved for you,

Longed for you to take

And hoped could yet be true.

But just like all your words,

It never was fulfilled

And even knowing what would come,

I'm not ready for it still.

So I lay awake pretending

That a scent of you remains,

And ignore what my tears reminds me,

That space only ever held their stains.

How do I hold such delusional hope

And a faith that has no bearing,

When on all the things I've held so close,

I lost my grip so easy?

That you were my only reason for living,

Would surely be a lie.

So now that you've left me without you,

Why do I wish I could die?

If there's a dream beyond all reason,

One worth it to be had,

I'd say I dreamt you held me still,

And that we could have all the good without the bad.

I miss you like crazy

I love you to death

I'm sorry there are morons

That think I'm on meth

If only they'd share

I might try what they're smoking

To call this honest work

They're delusional if not joking

A sick joke it would be

And I'm failing to see

Any sort of humor

In them taking you from me

If that was their shot, they've missed

If this is aired as efficacious

Or any goddamn thing other

Than poorly written political satire

Whatever they're trying to accomplish

To get their pat on the back

All they've managed so far

Is to get all three of us vexed

I'm sorry I've passed on my temper

Hoping it's also a knack to see

Past people's bullshit facades

To their simple stupidity

Cause if their goal was to ensure the best

They would see that you're well taken care of

And they'd be satisfied with a test

Instead they accuse and make allegations

Backed by a lengthy, facetious probation

Lacking sense but marked with dictation

I know you're both strong

And I know you're smart

This is an inconvenience at best

But just remember those things and who you are

And I'll work out the rest

Use me like you have,

Like you've been doing all along

Pretend like I don't know,

Like you've done nothing wrong

Expect all I've given freely,

Don't be afraid to ask for more

I'd give it all to you again

In hopes this time I'd be yours

Tell me that you love me,

Don't let the lies stop yet

I still crave them like nicotine,

Depend on them like I do breath

Assure me I can trust you

And I'll listen like a fool,

Ignore every single warning

Just to only be with you

Hold me tight a little longer

Like I belong in your embrace

Please don't tell me I can't stay here

You've given someone else my place

It's not like I don't know the truth

Or that it doesn't pain me...

If I can keep you with me in my mind

Maybe losing you won't break me

If reality persists me,

I'm afraid of what might happen

I've been on the edge, about to fall,

Every time it starts to creep in

So feed me just a little more,

You've wrapped deceit so nicely

And given me a perfect picture

Of who for me you’ll never be

You played your game and played it well,

Don't you think I knew?

In this empty room I tell myself

I'm sorry I'm a fool.

I saw the scheme, what you willed I believe,

Dismissed the nauseating truth.

And still every time I wake,

I always reach for you.

To the place you never were,

The one I saved for you,

Longed for you to take

And hoped could yet be true.

But just like all your words,

It never was fulfilled

And even knowing what would come,

I'm not ready for it still.

So I lay awake pretending

That a scent of you remains,

And ignore what my tears remind me,

That space only ever held their stains.

How do I hold such delusional hope

And a faith that has no bearing,

When on all the things I've held so close,

I lost my grip so easy?

That you were my only reason for living,

Would surely be a lie.

So now that you've left me without you,

Why do I wish I could die?

If there's a dream beyond all reason,

One worth it to be had,

I'd say I dreamt you held me still,

And everything at bay that could ever make me sad.

This isn't how it was supposed to be

In lust with the pain, begging for release

So angry I can't stand to let go and just breathe

Why did I fall for you, why do I stay

When I feel it so clear at the end of every day

You don't want me near, wouldn't care if I walked away

And I guess better it stays hidden maybe but

The raging inside me seems so contradictory

To the quiet, lax stillness that everyone sees

But still if I told you, myself, honestly

I feel nothing but calm when you're finally next to me

And the hold you have over me, I wish I could sever,

Let my stupid heart be free

But as long as you have it, I'll probably forever

Keep hoping for what you won't be