A cacophony of shadows, 

and all I feel is fear.

Memories were faded 

like a lullaby in

the empty air.

In the never-ending absence

of hope,

I lost

the greatest part of my faith,

and was left—its worst.

The choir sings the cold 

breath of sorrow

and joyfully embraces

the nightmares

of the overthrown.

The feeling is haunting

the lines as I walk

the death of light

in the graveyard where

my completeness broke.

I walked the moon behind 

and found my pains

alive

they sang,

to the lullaby and to the four corners

they hide

and chanted 

spells of whispers 

to my wandering mind.

All's frozen and put on fire 

to death

and I was ruled by the child

of a never-ending hate,

yet there's a melody chanting 

in cacophony of 

thoughts

and it's music—to my burning soul.

A cacophony of shadows

And all I feel is fear

Listening to the howling wind

As my fate draws near

Deathly silent, deathly cold

Waiting in the wind

Thinking of the places that

I could’ve been

Footsteps, voices

Who the hell are you?

Let me be where I am

Suffering from the truth

Warm arms, soothing voice

And all I feel is grief

I am such a sinner-

How could this ending be?

A cacophony of shadows

Weaving into tunes

A harmony of whispers

Beneath the silver moon

"A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear.", whispers Mary. She is hiding behind her bed, when she hears another bomb blowing up. And again. And again, while the shadows are still lurking around her house. She doesn't want to get spotted. If she does, her life won't last any longer. So did her mum's. A rough sound. They found someone. Whoever it is, he starts to pray a lot, until a shot stops him from praying any longer. Her granny always told her: "Those people will destroy our town. They say they bring us peace, but all they do is destroying our families. They didn't do anything to make this world better. - Don't trust them!" Someone steps into her room. A tear is running down her skin. She starts to pray. 

Why did noone help Mary? She was six years old.

A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear.

Deadness in my heart as the time draws near.

Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye--

I wonder what he'll feel when I finally die?

- -

A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear.

Looking at his face as his time draws near.

Tears in my eyes and sadness in my soul

I cry out a final wish- -

"Please, don't go!"

A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear. Sweat trickles down my forehead, my eyes burn like wild-fire as tears run down my grimy cheeks. My hands cling onto numb legs, I press my torso against weak knees, trying to stop my entire body from trembling, curled up under the old wooden frame of a moth-eaten table. I hold my breath, and try to listen for signs of another inconsolable soul like mine, in vain. The only sounds are those of my frantic, pounding heart, which I'm certain will give me away. An impending fear grips my weary figure, as I wait here, for my short life to end.

My mind races, I always feared I would leave this way. Dusty streets leading up to my rundown house, scorching sun that left our fields dry with pitiable harvests, sickening stench of bodies piling up in pits........indicators of inescapable misery. Blood-curling wails pierced still nights, waking me more times than I could count. I remember cuddling close to my mother, crying into her bosom, as sounds of incessant gunshots took down dozens of innocent souls, one by one, painfully tearing apart families. They would shout out in victory, and leave with fresh blood on their hands, only to return weeks later. Silence would follow. An impenetrable, taunting silence. I would cry myself to sleep as my mother sang songs of pain and peace, and wake up the next morning, grateful to still be alive.

Yet here I am. Facing what I wished I’d never have to, in the only place I had hoped would help me flee from the life I was born with. Education, they said, would help me help myself. A warm sticky liquid meets my toes; I recoil in horror. It slowly spreads across the concrete floor, until I’m sitting in a pool of my classmates’ blood. I bite my tongue to keep myself from screaming in agony. Footsteps storm past, deep voices address each other. They throw chairs, overturn desks, and break open cupboards. My head and heart pound in unison, waiting for bullets to free them of their toil. I hear whimpering, a pathetic plea. I peek from under my refuge. My friend is on her knees, at the mercy of the masked terrorists. My conscience wages a war over my senses, I want to run to her, rid those beasts of their weapons, yet my entire body has stopped trembling, paralysis has taken over instead. I want to scream, louder than the gunfire that still rings in my ears, but my mouth has run dry. I want to shut my eyes, but they’re glued onto hers. She turns, her eyes meet mine, and a bullet pierces her head. Vicious laughter penetrates my skull, I feel my sanity ebbing away, leaving behind an empty void of an emotionless being. The ecstatic murderers stomp out of the room, leaving me alone with corpses. Silence follows. This time, I'm far from grateful for still being alive.

A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear. 

Fear that the shadows will consume her, that those demented demons will suck away her soul until nothing remains. Fear that fear has gotten the best of her, that truly there is no hope left because it has turned to fear. Fear that the feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness will continue brewing that evil cauldron whilst all I can manage is tell her not to drink. Fear that fear will permanently replace joy, sadness, anger, disgust, and all other fulcrums comprising her sentimental spectrum. Fear that I could have prevented this cacophony of shadows from arising in the first place. Fear that fear is just too powerful. Fear that rotten wood cannot be carved and the aspect of her mind that regulates feeling rots away at far too fast a rate. Fear that the shadows have in fact already consumed her, and are now using her to consume me as well - and all the ones I love. Fear that the shadows will consume every single one of us and no human will survive this zombie apocalypse. Fear that victory is not imminent or likely.

But then I repel the shadows with a spell of joy, and only joy remains.

I. Angst

A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear;

bricklayers of history... we 

stretch beneath the stale breath of catacombs, thick with

chipped skulls, the musky odor of a thousand deaths;

I spy the stare of eternity in empty sockets, which speak to us

in the language of silence; the gaps between words.

And like you, I wait, beneath the rubble of time, holding my breath (in a way)

for the terrified last… We, careful to sidestep the blood-soaked potholes of history – bent, broken, plastered and re-broken. 

On each side, the boiling cauldrons of martyred flesh.

There is a dawn breaking on the blood horizon, just past the smoke and stench of burnt bodies, offered up – awful spice offerings to nameless gods with no faces.

You, Humanity, an ideology gone sour; you, Humanity, the seed of contradiction in “hopeful existentialism”; you, Humanity, a disease with no beginning, and one, 

without end.

II. Sorrow

I play with words like pebbles; skip them down streams endlessly, unsuccessfully.

Out further, where lake meets sky, I aim my frustrations when impatience choke-holds, boxes my ears, tells sad stories that hit in places unexpected. “An Ode to Melancholy”,* he said, “An Ode to Rage and Sorrow”, I replied.

Swamp deep in a dream I can’t remember; the mud, a poison that chars my skin.

III. Hope

As death in dreams, so in life – rebirth. A reward for the pangs of burnt flesh, crispy endings in the fire of rage; a burned down Babylon of the self, you are. But you

keep breathing through the thickness, the flames, the fire, looking for hope in the eyes of a bird that escapes you. You awake, step barefoot through ash, let flesh fall from bone where new skin – smooth as a frog’s belly – emerges.

* Keats “An Ode to Melancholy”

A cacophony of shadows

and all I feel is fear

What once was my youth

that I held so dear

is hiding

riding

into a blinkered past,

I always knew it couldn’t last

Life’s seemed to skip by

in a murky blur

Where has it gone?

I cannot be sure

The years

the tears

have melted away

and now all that’s left

is the darkness at play.

A cacophony of shadows

and all I feel is fear

Survival instincts

seek peace within the chaos

My name is engraved on

this Demon's rolls

His hands carefully fastened

around my throat,

seducing my

"fight or flight" response.

enigmatic fingers

Stroke their way down,

caressing the G-spot

My heart is beating in my ears.

He makes it come

every time.

A glutton for punishment;

hell bent on self-destruction.

An orgasm of anxiety

secretly enjoying a cold sweat.

asking for relief,

but silently desiring more.

This is my normal.

A cacophony of shadow, and all I feel is fear,

idiot demons taunt, i hear them screaming

righteous anger make me shout: “you think not, i am endowed”

with God’s spirit; tho your wicked king has plowed

an’ ripped an’ shredded with wild hoards’ teeming

his blood belched progeny’s wild cacophony

convulses my innards to vomit

A cacophony of shadow, and all I feel is fear, until

a voice within me shouts, “your earth time’s near at hand

do what you must ’n quickly,” confirm your shortened autonomy

the bottomless pit; the lake of fire, all your minions destined for it

though you kill my body, no fear prevails on my behalf

no reason to despair, you cannot kill my soul

no cause to fear in breeding fear

no reason ’cause i’m amongst the ransom’d gold

Love’s fruit of hope ‘n faith virtues’ tears

will wash away my trembling

A cacophony of shadow, and no longer do i fear

across the void chasms’ wide

i feel the pitch crescendo

hateful ghouls like swelling tide

venom threats, murderous evil innuendos

duly do, evil deed attempt to gulp my soul

battle pitched ‘tween me and its’

darkest matter thick as iron lead

hoards of hell assist to drag me to the pit

extinguish light, replace with fear instead

then One appears in blinding light

his white robe cloaked, diadem crown

bursts upon the scene, lifts me up in his Shepard’s

arms and plants me onto higher ground