january:

the ground i gained

would've only been helpful

to someone who

wanted to build their home

between a rock

and a hard place

and my

"one step forwards,

two steps back" strut

would've been useful

if i was trying

to catch up with

the past

april:

(intermission)

bass beats ripping

through my soul

never felt

so damn good

august:

chewing bubblegum

and

popping stress

september:

my

october:

demons

november:

broke

december:

loose

so much so that

i got worse at

tying my shoes

and better at

tying a noose

1. white

frost bit and pinched my nerves

2. orange

personal independence in Panama

3. purple

the world is melting but ever so slowly

4. green

insanity and friction get things going

5. pink

sinking my toes in the earth

6. dark blue

leaving the halfway point into the fog

7. tan

a frigid Africa overwhelmed me

8. sky blue

catching my breath with thorns in my rib cage

9. red

flying back into the swing of things

10. yellow

how do I keep going here now

11. gold

to think I've survived thus far

12. grey

overwhelmed but surviving this

My year started with winning a trip to Japan. My favorite place in the entire world. It was truly a magnificent time. My husband and I celebrated our seventh year of marriage. Some say that is the seven year itch. But not us. I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is my other half. We settled into our new home. Joined a wine club because who doesn't like a good bottle of wine. Found Prose which has given me the motivation to start writing again. And discovered my hidden artist. I have had a truly blessed year. You?

My 2014 got off to a worrying start as I was hospitalised after having collapsed at work. They got me to hospital and quickly determined my body was short of blood - almost four pints. After the transfusions I was well again.

It turned out that after I had my heart attacks in 2013 two of the tablets they prescribed for me had shredded my stomach. Things went pretty smoothly after that little episode.

2014 was a good year, I discovered Prose which was good, and I left Opuss, which was painful, but I'm up and running now, roll on 2015!

Babies on planes to Europe screaming from sleeplessness; stewards from first class asking for silver sleeping bullets. Personal restraint bleeding out eyeballs, sweat glands dumping insomnia, foreign tongues, French cheese into the air. Northern Spain, Canigou at sunset, wind blowing across every growing bodies. Espen's first words, Tobias coming home with a '90 Aerostar and dreams of Danish youth road-tripping America. Less alcohol, more chai than ever before. Acceptance across literary magazines, Pushcart nomination, sleeping regularly, still tired. Hair thinning, energy rising, hips opening, sex on hold. Progress beaten out in furious scribbles, meditation, waiting, Yoga, re-learning life as prayer.

I started out the year processing out of the navy, moved in with my best friend, reconnected with my girlfriend, got booted out by my best friends wife, she left her wife, worked at a ford dealership, moved into a new apartment, had my first college semester, found out I had a great girlfriend and awesome best friend, found Prose., rekindled my love for writing, and connected with other awesome writers. I guess you could say that 2014 was an entire period of transition, and where I am now in life is exactly where I want to be in this moment.

The worst year humanly possible. 1 suicide attempt. The loss of three of my closest friends. The end of my relationship with most of my family. The year that broke me. All of me. There wasn't a part of me that wasn't destroyed by 365 days. Amazing how much can change in a year, but looking back I wonder how I made it. I wonder how I managed to survive this horrendous expirence. I was 16 for half and 17 the other and I'm wondering how I survived. This year was probably the worst. 2014 a year of pain and of loss.

Incredibly slow but definitely better than the previous years. It was 365 days of waiting for, I don't even know what. It was my falling action, the part after the climax. It was a lot of lying in bed and sleeping in order to avoid any possible confrontation with reality. There was a lot of not knowing what I was feeling, not knowing what I wanted. I spent time trying to convince myself that I had no regrets, which I can't deny, I had many. I try to convince myself that I'm living just fine but now I know I'm stuck.

All of here of us still here, despite surgeries of body and spirit. Many meals cooked, some medicating, some drudgery, some lovingly, most nourishing. Words arranged on the page into poems and stories, a food for me, sometimes a dish for the unseen reader. Day work that pays for ingredients for food, some contact with people in office halls, spice in an otherwise bland nine-to-five life. Their stories. A sweet tooth. An allergy. The gift of teas or chocolate with a holiday card. The surprised look up from email or speaker phone. For me? Year of broken routines.

Who am I?

Am I the quirky girl,

always looked at funny?

Am I the buff fitness junky,

stealing the bullies' money?

Am I the preppy school-girl,

snobby and pristine?

Am I the outcast,

rude and obscene?

Am I the pretty flower,

untouched by any hand?

Am I the fabulous bitch,

forever unafraid to take a stand?

Am I the girl with no friends, always pitied and not approached?

Am I the queen,

no subject too sensitive to broach?

I don't know what I am,

but there's one thing I do:

Don't let labels get the best of you.