Often the most intimate moments are those that hold the least intimate acts

Because our flaws are uncensored in the undressing

But it is in the dressing of our disguises in silence that our insecurities scream

So copulate with whom you so desire

But know that the act shares nothing more in common than the scribbles on this page

If it has nothing beneath the letters of s-e-x

For an act without purpose is meaningless

Thus, put meaning into the words that you cast into the open

Without it, the voice gets muffled into noise.

Put passion into the art your hands create

Without it, the masterpiece is nothing but a picture.

Put effort into the work your sweat become a result of

Without it, the energy exerted go unnoticed.

Put deadlines on the dreams you’re too scared to make reality

Without it, the aspirations are nothing but a fantasy.

Share with your partner that fornication is not a mere action.

So the time is not spent in trepidation or hesitation

For a minute wasted on either is a minute used in depredation.

Because when you love mutually

And relinquish yourself in another emotionally

The pleasures will follow physically.

For love is what you make not what you do.

at two weeks i forgot what basic necessities were. sleep became optional and 3 am became my best friend. i told 3 am everything and the stillness heard me at my most vulnerable.

i forgot his voice in the span of 4 weeks. i hadn't heard it speak to me until i heard his voice ignore me.

it's been 6 weeks since i've felt his touch and someone else tried holding my hand. But ours fingers didn't quite interlock correctly. i didn't do that thing where i take my other hand to cup around both of ours. he didn't do that thing i liked where he rubs his thumb as if he were counting on my fingers as well as his.

I lost count of the I love yous because after 12 weeks they started to sound like i'm sorrys.

i love you but i need to take care of myself for a while

i love you but it's not the same anymore

i love you but i'm not ready

i love you but i can't keep this up any longer

i love you but i'm not happy anymore

he told me he loved me yesterday but i knew he stopped counting.

but today i still love him.

- 16 weeks and counting.

The sun wakes her up but he never slept

He longs to see her except as he turns

Is only then when she awakes to breathe

The moon beams at twilight while sun casts shadows

He runs fast winters so she gleams longer

Never satisfied with what he gave her

The sun catches her just for a second

At the brim of the horizon she smiled

But in an instant he was gone again

He'll find himself out of breath not knowing

Whether it is her charm that captures him

Or her short lived, escaping company

He'll never catch up to fading moments

Once the two cross paths, he'll only want more

Exuding his light to please her being

He will die for her endless starvation

Discontent with life, always wondering

Why he always caught his dream girl running

Not realizing because of his strive

Her beauty was seen and led her to thrive

He was the reason she lived unfulfilled

Because he too died for reasons she lived

I doubt that he's reading this but in the chances that he might be. hi. hello. are you doing okay? how's your mom? your sister? I know you don't talk to your dad much... I'm sorry for that by the way. 

I just wanted to say thank you to the first boy who made me feel like a complete girl - butterflies in my stomach fool of a girl. to him I say thank you for the first time we met. where I thought your friends were cute and you were only interested in the trinkets on the table that separated us. 

thank you for letting me steal all of your shirts because apparently I have none I would rather be wearing. 

thank you for letting me teach you that summer nights in a desert still gets cold and you should always keep a sweater in the trunk of your car. Spongebob and polka dot throw blankets simply aren't enough for star gazing in a home away from home. 

thank you for teaching me I have nothing to be ashamed of. because each morning I woke up with a birds nest on my head and raccoon eyes and terrible morning breath I took comfort in knowing you are just as bad. but you still caressed my thigh at the exact place your hands needed to be. you pulled me to your side of the bed leaving exactly two thirds of the bed empty but that one third felt infinite. I want to thank you for being the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes on the most exciting Tuesday filled with color seminars and calculus. 

thanks for trusting me to drive your car when you know I can barely drive my own automatic let alone a manual. 

thanks for putting the same effort I gave back. because I've never truly felt what it was like to be equals with someone who cares as much as I do. 

thank you for giving me a chance. for letting me give you a chance.

I just wanted to thank you for the countless memories and endless goodbye kisses.  

thanks to you I can't think of 1:18 am the same. nor 2:26 am. because at 3:49 am everything changed. it wasn't until 4:18 am that I realized I'm still falling for you regardless of what happened while I lay alone in a hotel bed. but the real kicker is when it's 12:54 pm and 104 degrees out and the sun is shining and I have a clear head and I realized falling gave me bruises. 

so thank you. thank you for being the best mistake I've ever made. 

the very first man I have ever loved

stuck dynamite between his fingertips

and raised it to the lips

that he used to kiss me

lecture me

call me his little angel

that day I promised

love will never kill me

I would never slowly

and purposefully

seize my death upon

someone I had loved

but I got to taste your lips

it was the coming together

of orange juice and toothpaste

such pure singulars

but wretched allies

that was the day I got a bite of dynamite

I brought you up to my face

like my father with his

sticks of suicide

and when I brought you to my lips

I saw my gravestone

chiseled into your eyes

do you believe in the one? that in this universe there is only one for each of us? 

there's the one who confused your heart for the first time. it's the one who made you feel like puppy love is the purest kind there is. 

there's the one who you will use only for intimacy even though they aren't the least bit intimate. it's the one who made you feel less than half of a whole. 

there's the one who's your best friend in the whole world. it's the one you could love with everything you have but it seems time never let you. 

there's the one who excited every hair on your body and rushed adrenaline throughout your core. it's the one your mother warned you about. 

there's the one who you sit outside the patio swing with reminiscing about your wonder years. it's the one holding your hand next to you when your grandkids open their Christmas presents. 

but what about the one who you never met. it's the one sitting on a train off to god knows where but they are listening to your favorite album, holding your favorite book, and in their bag is your favorite candy. 

what about the one who you thought was out of your league so you let it go. it's the one who thought you were the right amount of quirky and different. 

or what about the one who caught your smile passing by the airport. the one you missed sitting four rows behind you because you had to put your bag up. 

or even the one who you thought would never work out because you liked a certain type. the one who waited for you to fall asleep in your own bed safely when you were drunk on St. Patty's day. 

i don't know which one i am passing by your timeline but i have to believe i'm lucky enough that you are all of the above for me. 

it takes 21 days to break a habit...

day 1: i met a young boy

day 2: then i met another

day 3: and another

day 4: it was cruel what i did that day. i let the boys indulge themselves in me leading them to think what they’ve been telling all the other girls before - “it’s just you”

day 5: i told myself to have fun. high school doesn’t last forever and i’m only young just this once. i wanted to enjoy the memories as i made them happen at that exact second

day 6: i met someone new

day 7: but i pulled away

day 8: i kept to myself for a while. i told myself i needed to fix myself before i could expect anyone else to fix me. i didn’t want my happiness to be reliant on a temporary variable

day 9: except i spent my every aching moment thinking about him. not even the contents of a plastic cup could destroy the virus of his being that was implanted into my thoughts. i was ever so consumed by him that i couldn’t even remember what my mind was filled with before his very existence

day 10: i missed him. i missed him even when he was right in front of my eyes looking at me like he hasn’t yet seen every inch of me. like i was changing by the second and he was studying the hairs misplaced across my face or the bumps and bruises on my legs. missing him was a full time job because i had to make up for all the lost times i didn’t know him. the times i could have spent with him. i missed the times i had lost to not knowing him

day 11: uh oh

day 12: it took a week and five days until i slipped up. i knew breaking a habit was never easy.

day 13: the day i promised to stop making excuses for my fears

day 14: i found peace within myself. i realized wars ended up hurting both sides because as a result compromising with who i was always led up to a never ending stalemate of self-doubt

day 15: the day i finally accepted the world for what it is. i accepted the fact that there will never be certainties but i had to believe in my own happiness. the only guarantee was that i would make certain my life was fulfilled to its potential

day 16: i accepted him too

day 17: that was the day i got scared

day 18: i let it be okay

day 19: i fell in love

day 20: this time – i stayed

day 21: i broke the habit

*addendum: it’s day 364. i guess some habits aren’t meant to be broken

sincerely,

a wanderlust soul who found that she couldn’t handle the immensity of his love