to those who wish to break a habit

it takes 21 days to break a habit...

day 1: i met a young boy

day 2: then i met another

day 3: and another

day 4: it was cruel what i did that day. i let the boys indulge themselves in me leading them to think what they’ve been telling all the other girls before - “it’s just you”

day 5: i told myself to have fun. high school doesn’t last forever and i’m only young just this once. i wanted to enjoy the memories as i made them happen at that exact second

day 6: i met someone new

day 7: but i pulled away

day 8: i kept to myself for a while. i told myself i needed to fix myself before i could expect anyone else to fix me. i didn’t want my happiness to be reliant on a temporary variable

day 9: except i spent my every aching moment thinking about him. not even the contents of a plastic cup could destroy the virus of his being that was implanted into my thoughts. i was ever so consumed by him that i couldn’t even remember what my mind was filled with before his very existence

day 10: i missed him. i missed him even when he was right in front of my eyes looking at me like he hasn’t yet seen every inch of me. like i was changing by the second and he was studying the hairs misplaced across my face or the bumps and bruises on my legs. missing him was a full time job because i had to make up for all the lost times i didn’t know him. the times i could have spent with him. i missed the times i had lost to not knowing him

day 11: uh oh

day 12: it took a week and five days until i slipped up. i knew breaking a habit was never easy.

day 13: the day i promised to stop making excuses for my fears

day 14: i found peace within myself. i realized wars ended up hurting both sides because as a result compromising with who i was always led up to a never ending stalemate of self-doubt

day 15: the day i finally accepted the world for what it is. i accepted the fact that there will never be certainties but i had to believe in my own happiness. the only guarantee was that i would make certain my life was fulfilled to its potential

day 16: i accepted him too

day 17: that was the day i got scared

day 18: i let it be okay

day 19: i fell in love

day 20: this time – i stayed

day 21: i broke the habit

*addendum: it’s day 364. i guess some habits aren’t meant to be broken

sincerely,

a wanderlust soul who found that she couldn’t handle the immensity of his love