and counting

at two weeks i forgot what basic necessities were. sleep became optional and 3 am became my best friend. i told 3 am everything and the stillness heard me at my most vulnerable.

i forgot his voice in the span of 4 weeks. i hadn't heard it speak to me until i heard his voice ignore me.

it's been 6 weeks since i've felt his touch and someone else tried holding my hand. But ours fingers didn't quite interlock correctly. i didn't do that thing where i take my other hand to cup around both of ours. he didn't do that thing i liked where he rubs his thumb as if he were counting on my fingers as well as his.

I lost count of the I love yous because after 12 weeks they started to sound like i'm sorrys.

i love you but i need to take care of myself for a while

i love you but it's not the same anymore

i love you but i'm not ready

i love you but i can't keep this up any longer

i love you but i'm not happy anymore

he told me he loved me yesterday but i knew he stopped counting.

but today i still love him.

- 16 weeks and counting.