I used to want to astral project in my dreams so I could fly.

Then I experienced it,

In a car, when a man pulled me down

And forced me to smell chamomile.

The petals scattered in my hair,

On my shirt.

That wasn’t so bad, was it? He said.

The thin, delicate stems.

Bright yellow blossoms,

The pungent, sweet scent.

I walked home alone in the cold and couldn’t feel it.

Sometimes I can’t feel when I smell it.

Then I experienced it again,

The smell of mangoes. Ripe for the picking.

“Mango juice is supposed to get you higher,” he said, passing me the joint.

He handed me the empty glass next to his bed.

I was trying to focus on my feet,

Trying to decipher if this was a nightmare.

“Can you go get me more juice?”

I don’t feel much like flying anymore.

I met you by the stairwell

And caught your gaze 

I knew I didn’t like you the minute we met

But you were someone I’d never forget.

You looked at me longingly,

And I saw your eyes turn.

Your heart in despondency,

Not a hint of concern.

I got in your car, and it smelled like despair

You started your engine,

You liked the red in my hair.

I’m trying to focus,

As I turn to look at you.

Your fists are in motion,

You slam them,

Driving through explosions.

We get to your place, 

And I take off my shoes.

My stomach is rumbling

As I’m seeing the cues.

You’re looking at me funny,

As I ask for a tour.

See, despite what you think,

I wasn’t trying to provoke.

You poured me a drink,

Your grip tightening on my throat.

Was it all planned out?

I wonder to this day.

Did you know what you were doing,

When you took my innocence away?

I had softly slipped out of everyone around me’s lives in the night, like a cool whispering breeze.

A hovering murmur that was so quiet, nobody had the worry to turn their heads, just in case

They really did hear something.

No,

they half-consciously thought,

and they continued on.

And I drifted away, floating above everyone around me.

My eyes were the color of char.

My chin dripped ashes into my shaking hands.

My pain never falters and never leaves me.

After witnessing the faltering of humanity,

I start to trust what hurts me more than what doesn’t.

This morning,

As I put on my tie and got ready for work,

I glanced in my bathroom mirror.

My green skin peered back at me, disappointed in it’s blind, glossy eyes.

Was it I or was it them that is to blame for this atrocity inside me?

You cannot make love to a dead body

You cannot whisper sweet nothings to it,

You cannot adorn it with jewels and affection and beautiful things

It's the law of conservation of matter

You cannot create love where there is none

You cannot make something out of nothing.

It's a dead body

It cannot say yes so it says no.

There are no words to describe it's thoughts in death

As it watches it's body endure the pain you inflict from afar.

Even in another dimension you can hear her screams and pleads.

Let me rest in peace.

When this pain hits like a ton of bricks, it is unexpected.

Suddenly menial tasks which I once enjoyed are useless.

Grocery shopping, going out, waking up early, to just sleeping, eating, working, talking, all become empty. I struggled to do anything all day because all I could focus on was the pain in my chest reminding me of what happened, over and over again, and seeing the effects it had on me. I felt nothing except the pain, I could not even react without defibrillation, I turned my heart on for just a moment and the sensation of feeling everything at once came over me, I curl up like an armadillo and my mouth stands agape, unable to cry audibly.

The life I wanted— full of risk, love, pain, a difficult but worthwhile venture— had finally revealed itself, for the worse first. So although I face the worst pain I could ever imagine, heart a landscape of canyons and vast stretches of corroded land, I know that this is living. I know if a pain this magnitude can be felt, a joy of equal magnificence and grandeur waits for me soon.

It wouldn’t matter if I could look you in the eyes

To tell you how you’ve hurt me

Because you can walk away

You can go on.

But I am left here

With just myself and my pain

The day I stopped believing in love

I got into the car of a man

Who looked at me like I was sent

Straight from above

He raped me

And told me it was love

I was his soulmate

And it wasn’t up for debate

He decided he wanted me

And that was that

He cried and I wiped his tears.

Now I do not fantasize about my wedding.

I do not envision what he will look like,

How he will treat me,

How I will love him,

Or when I will find him

Because he does not exist.

I do not believe in love

A frozen lake

Lost in time

She cannot escape

A reality she forgot

Her body is being raped

Her mind is not

A frozen lake

Lost in time

A woman's body

No longer her own

A woman's body

Turned to stone

Her tears turned frozen

When he held her down

She wondered why she was chosen

As she started to drown

Her face went blank

And her eyes were vacant

She sank

And would not be found

Now she is in her dorm room

With the door shut closed

It hurts to go to the bathroom

And she feels so exposed

She does not leave her bed

And she stares blankly at the wall

She cannot unhear what he said

She cannot get him out of her head

She doesn't answer her family's calls

Everyone is worried

Her room is a mess

And her vision is blurry

When she hears the song

He played while he freeze dried her

She does not feel strong

She feels every emotion at once

She scribbles tumbleweeds

And screams with no sound

She cries unaccompanied

Her mind has unwound

What would you do

if I told you

to fuck yourself?

Your warm vision

was just a haze.

Dreamy reality's collision

took place.

And I couldn't hold back

you turned me

into an insomniac.

And you still breathe.

Easy and low.

You withdraw

and choke me slow.

I only got a shadow

of goodbye

living in the afterglow

of your lies

I'm left with broken trust

and a sore throat.

You loved me for lust

and I was blind.

So let me grieve

this state of mind.

You caused me pain

And you were so unkind.

Sometimes things are unfixable

and this is one.

You fucked me up

the game is done.