the utility of pain

When this pain hits like a ton of bricks, it is unexpected.

Suddenly menial tasks which I once enjoyed are useless.

Grocery shopping, going out, waking up early, to just sleeping, eating, working, talking, all become empty. I struggled to do anything all day because all I could focus on was the pain in my chest reminding me of what happened, over and over again, and seeing the effects it had on me. I felt nothing except the pain, I could not even react without defibrillation, I turned my heart on for just a moment and the sensation of feeling everything at once came over me, I curl up like an armadillo and my mouth stands agape, unable to cry audibly.

The life I wanted— full of risk, love, pain, a difficult but worthwhile venture— had finally revealed itself, for the worse first. So although I face the worst pain I could ever imagine, heart a landscape of canyons and vast stretches of corroded land, I know that this is living. I know if a pain this magnitude can be felt, a joy of equal magnificence and grandeur waits for me soon.