I meant everything

I said

Anger fueled my words

Hurt fed my feelings

Perhaps there was

A better way to express

My feelings

Being misunderstood

But understanding everything

The pain I experience

When I choose

To direct venomous words

At you is almost unbearable

I kill myself every time

My words can be the sharpest knife

Threatening to cut you deeply

Aimed straight for the heart

I misjudge my aim every time

Piercing my own heart instead

You’ll never really know

How desperately

I want to be understood

By you

Reality is you never will

Refusal of the mind

Adopting a selfish mindset

After the event

Feeling so guilty for

Damaging something beautiful

Completely killing the “one”

Perhaps disassociating yourself

Is the softer approach

You never could stand

Being uncomfortable

The fact remains the same

I meant what

I said

The funeral

I recently attended

Filled me with so much emotion

It seems like yesterday

Everything was fine

I tend to forget that life

Can change in a moment

Choices we make have

A butterfly effect

A pebble being dropped

Into a calm lake

Creates ripples that eventually

Reach the shore

The service was small

Close family and friends

Overall the feeling

Of interactions between guests

Was slightly awkward

I sat in the very last row

Trying to pay my respects

Without being noticed

I’m not quite sure

How I feel about

The sudden loss

It could of been prevented

Proper preparation

Prevents poor performance

For now I’m choosing

To stifle the pain

It’s just me

Myself and I

I can’t rely on anyone

To be there

Nor can I openly share

Without fear of rejection

Plus I’m angry

Why be so selfish?

To a selfless person

It’s a hard thing to grasp

I can’t wrap my brain

Around the behaviors

Of other people

Even if I perceive there feelings

The way I do

It still always shocks me

Nothing can truly prepare you

When it was time to say goodbye

I walked slowly towards the casket

Dragging my feet

This is the part that’s never easy

Good byes are the hardest

I feel like a little kid

So small and vulnerable

No matter what

I have to be okay

Reaching the casket

I look down

To see my relationship staring

Back at me

Im on the floor

In a heap

Like yesterday’s dirty laundry

Draped in lace

China doll painted face

Your mumbling to yourself

Resentment is an understatement

My hatred for you grows

A weed that cannot be killed

Despite how much weed killer you use

I smirk at the thought

It’s the happiest thought I’ll have all day

I’m drenched in sadness

It’s so stifling in here

I can barely breathe

I gasp for air

Pulling my self up

From the ravine my tub has become

40 days and 40 nights

39 to go

I flop onto the tile

Bruised like a peach already

I hardly notice the new one form

Avoiding my own glance

Rounding the corner

I hold my breath

This room feels like a dungeon

Somewhere inside of me

Grows hotter

Erupting like a volcano

Lava bursts from my tear ducts

Burning my face

No one should be envious of me

Pretty face until it turns ugly

Then what?

Your excuse

Was you don’t understand

Wrapping your brain

Around something other then yourself

Is almost impossible for you

I’ll lunge

A tiger staring down on her prey

Finally catching the elusive deer

Blinking back to reality

Your blank stare is worthless

An apology would of sufficed

Instead I’m biting my tongue

Blood fills my mouth

Our eyes locked

Nothing will make me lose this one

Ice cold shivers travel down my spine

Why did I have to try outsmart you

Boast my intelligence

Prove to someone like you

That I’m worthy

I’m the one you want

The sweetest candy in the whole jar

Pick me pick me

Now I beg for it to stop

Over and over again

Screaming at you

Your so deaf to my cries

I’d rather die then continue to beg for my life

In the chair I stare

The most luxurious life

Fake smiles next to fake identities

I’m the best

I earned this

No one is better then I

I won the greatest reward

They picked me

Instead of elation

I’m the saddest I’ve ever been

Orange is my new favorite color

Walking back to my new place

Nothing could be worse

Then the cell inside my head

I won

Feeling deflated

So unmotivated

The happiness you brought

Filled me to the top

How was I to know

That soon it would pop?

They say pain

Changes a person

Well i don’t think I’ll ever be the same

I could easily point the blame

No simple solution

When your stuck on excuses

I don’t want a justification

Your actions have ramifications

If looking into my lost eyes

Isn’t enough of a consequence

Then you have no conscious

I’ll always look at you as heartless

There’s no rest for the restless

Expecting selflessness from Me

After showing just how

Selfish you can be

Did you ever really love me

Or was my sole purpose in

Your life to prevent loneliness

Someone to provide comfort

When times were tough

An object of affection

Nothing more nothing less

I doubt your mind can even

Begin to understand

What I’m feeling

Betrayed by the one

Who was supposed to love me

I expected you to protect me

From a broken heart

Yet you’ve done the opposite

I blindly trusted you

Let down my walls so I could

Feel even closer to you

I offered nothing but pure genuineness

Proving that loyalty exists

Supporting you at your worse

Accepting all your shortcomings

Never looking at you as anything

Less then perfection

The most precious thing

In my life completely abandoned me

When I needed you the most

You chose to destroy me

Was the connection

We had just pure deception

How can you continue

To be in my presence

Knowing that everything

You claimed to stand by

Was mere words nothing more

Your actions have spoken

Volumes to me

You never appreciated

Anything I ever did for you

When it came down to it

How I would feel meant nothing

Your pleasure at the expense of me

In my eyes your the worst kind

You’ll never get the same respect

Nor will I take you seriously again

Your just another boy

Pretending to be a man

The concept of reality

Is at best

A suggested mindset

Taught to form a barrier

Between illusion and actuality

I find this “mindset”

Emotionally draining

Dwelling on all the injustices

Of the world

Talking consistently of negativity

If my perception was that of most

I’d probably think positivity

Didn’t exist anymore

I find myself turning off

The nightly news

Allowing quiet to fill

My empty space again

A moment of silence

For those still suffering

For now I choose to think

That doesn’t include me

It wasn’t always a conscious escape

Innocent fun between friends

A sense of belonging

Yet my inability to resist temptation

Has turned me into a stranger

A coward to my own emotions

Ive always been a sponge

soaking up everything

Feeling so deeply it hurts

Consistently feeling misunderstood

Turning to outward sources

Instant gratification becomes enslavement

Seeking peace yet settling for chaos

The only thing I look forward to

Is that moment of numbness

When nothing matters

I swear I feel my life

Leaving my body every time

No longer conscious of myself

Synthetic pleasure envelops me

Blissfully aware that

I’m the antagonist in my life

I’ll murder myself

Before I hand anyone else the knife

They said your mad

Perhaps they meant

Your state of frenzied activity

Dashing from one day to the next

Forgetting yourself in days left behind

I pick up the pieces of you

Scattered life

Placing the pieces in the most poetic way

You passionately express the injustices

I feel you so deeply

I can’t help but understand

Even if you feel I expect too much

You expect far too less

The disorder couldn’t be categorized

As something of mental understanding

More so as constant cloud over head

Threatening to rain on your parade

Being wet never bothered me

If it meant seeing you shine

So your mad

Fired up over someone’s foolishness

We all hate looking in the mirror

That’s not to say your not brilliant

Ever so clever in your own way

Overflowing with potential

Yet you let the lifestyle discredit you

Idiocy at its finest

Being taught by false prophets,

With low self esteems

Constantly tainting what success is

With visions of temptation

Your final breath taken standing on concrete

Just another causality taken by the game

You are not the same

I could watch anyone else

Sign there life away

For fortune and fame

I Refuse to let you

Walk away from your future

Even if it means

Suffering through the pain

Even if the outcome was the same

My mind will always be the same

Coaxing you off the ledge

Listening to the ever changing perception

Isn’t behavior an interesting thing ?

I find it the most interesting

Your interactions on a daily basis

Speaking with such robust confidence

Your mind may be racing

You don’t even break a sweat

We’re all mad

Our state of being

Is marginal at best

Manic episodes triggered by overwhelming

Amounts of pressure

On the brink of exploding

Until finally

You digress into an eerie calmness

Sleep a distant relative

Slowly and Defiantly your eyes close

I tuck you in whispering love in your ear

Another day finished

Not enough words

In the world 

To describe 

How im responding

Pleasantly walking 

Through a hail storm

Daintily putting my hood up

Hail hurts sometimes

Yet I’m focused on counting daisy’s 

I won’t notice a thing

I’m in a childlike state

Gently discovering the wonders

Of my own imagination 

Breathing the same breath

Conjuring safety in chaos

I’m wholeheartedly whole

How beautiful this is

In a world where

Devastation does not exist 

Where I don’t subsist

Under unnecessary expectations 

Pleased to be

Commonly impressed by impression

I don’t regard distance 

As a factor

More as a mindset 

Because in my mind

We never parted

In Reality we walk different paths

Drifting in and out of perceptions

In fantasy we prosper together

Souls engulfing eachother