it's been over a year now.

they tell me to move on– you're sober now

i find myself wanting to reach out to you

never quite having the courage to try

its been over a year now

i am still afraid to look you in the eyes

still expecting see the same hatred in them

still too weak to say hello

its been over a year now

i still collapse onto my shower floor

eyes closed, breathing jagged

your face burned into my mind

its been over a year now

i see you but i don't recognize you

there's no life in you anymore

the happy memories seem more like a dream

its been over a year now

your name leaves a bitter taste

my body still freezes when you come around

my stomach turns when we make eye contact

its been over a year now

but it feels like yesterday

i've accepted it will never be the same between us

you will never be the same to me

#prose #drugs #depression #fear #anxiety

something about the moonlight

something about how every star in the sky disappeared

and made their way into your eyes

between the stupid jokes we shared

and the alcohol slowing guiding me away

from all sense of judgement

i started falling

suddenly it was just you and me

never mind our friend in my backseat

slowly passing out from one sip too many

you

me

us

somehow i found myself looking at you

longing to be with you

i took one more sip and started my own undoing

i wanted to be with you for so long

you did?

i do

you know i’ve always felt we’ve connected on such an intimate level

i’m not drunk enough for this

i was drowning in you

every part of me started screaming your name

my body trembled

aching to curl itself around you

why didn’t you tell me?

i don’t know i just kinda figured–

if you asked my answer would have been yes

i didnt even know if you liked girls

i’d still say yes

my phone vibrated in my hand

dragging me back to earth

of course it would be my boyfriend

i don’t want to get in between you guys

i love him

but if it doesn’t work out–

don’t

i want to give us a try

you reached for the bottle

i wanted to take it from you

kiss you

softly at first

then maybe–

no

i can’t

i won’t

i love him

but god look at you

you rested your head on your hand and looked at me

god i want you

your hands tangled in my hair

legs clenched around me

never mind our friend passed out in my back seat

it’s you and me

no

i love him

but god you look so beautiful

you always look so beautiful

no

you reached again for the bottle

drunkenly talking about your past hookups

my phone vibrated again

yes i love him but why must i love you too

give me one night

one beautiful night with you

your back arched

your lips parted as shallow breaths escape

if i had one night

i’d ask you for one more

then another

and another

getting drunk off of you

drowing myself in you

i love him i love him i love him

it sounds fake but i truly do love him

more than i can even fathom

but then there’s you

i love you

i love you

i love you

#love #lgbtq #her #him

i have kissed too many lovers goodbye to believe in the promise of forever. i have touched too many people for the last time and bid too many farewells in the chill of an airport for me to believe that you will always be here. my mind has wandered too far into the depths of ’i wonder where they are now” and i have wondered for too long for me to believe that you will come back for me. when you tell me that you love me, don’t promise me forever. don’t send me empty words and convenient vows because i have heard them all. when you tell me that you love me, tell me that you love me now; that in this moment i am the only person you see. when you tell me you love me, don’t tell me that you will never make the same mistakes as the last one when he was supposed to be the last one. when you tell me you love me, don’t follow it with superficial compliments about the things that you can see but can not feel. do not call me pretty, or beautiful, or lovely. don’t tell me that i turn you on tell me instead that i burn like fire. when you tell me you love me, realize that you are not the first one with pretty words and beautiful lies. remember that just like you, i breathe and i feel and i think and i dream and i remember and i hurt and i love. when you tell me you love me, know that i am clinging on to every word and syllable; know that i will hold these words so close to my heart they will begin to tattoo themselves onto my skin. 

I found myself locked

In a bathroom stall

Another panic attack

At a concert last night

Head between my knees

Tears threatening to spill

Back aching with pain

Unsteady breaths echoing

The music played on while I

Had my sad little meltdown

The crowd erupting in cheers

While I struggled to breathe

A few minutes ago, I was trapped

In the middle of a mosh pit

Then at the bottom of a dog pile

And thrown around by strangers

But even now as my bruises heal

And despite how alone I felt

The music rings in my head

His voice still fills my ears

For the first time

in so many months

I left my room

my beloved bed

Everything is so terrifying

the sunshine

these people

the wind

Every second I feel as if I'm

about to burst into tears

Every movement I make is

so cautious and subtle

I miss my room

I want to go back

and hide forever

but they said I can't

they told me I need to go out

they said it would help me

they promised I'd be safe

they promised I'd feel better

well I'm out now

and I feel like dying

Two wrongs make a right

every time our paths cross,

the moment our lips meet,

when our fingers intertwine

Two wrongs made a right

when our two hearts

equally as broken and lost

came together at last

One day a stranger stood before me

there was a time when I knew her so well

darkness wrapped its arms around her

and continues to hold her close

and prowls close behind her

these days she is just a mold of a girl

a memory

an actress playing a role

I smile at her

she smiles at me

we both turn away

I take one last look at the girl

meeting her lifeless eyes

I realize that I’ve lost her

the girl I knew so well

the girl I desperately needed to come back

slowly

I walk away from the mirror

Dear mom,

I love you, dear god do i love you. I may not say it anywhere near enough but you will always be the first person I ever truly loved. Mom, you're beautiful. Even though dad never could make you feel beautiful I will somehow show you that you are. There is not a single word that can accurately describe you, and I will rearrange that lifeless alphabet and I will create a word that is saturated with your essence. Mom, forgive me. I have apologized so many times that I now realize how empty my words are. Forgive me. Mom, thank you for this life. Thank you for your presence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm completely in love with every aspect of you

my heart shatters everytime your insecurities overwhelm you

and every time I am here to hold you while you cry in my arms you'll never truly understand

how amazing your heartbeat feels

or how perfectly your curves mold to my body

when your pressed up against me

you've never seen your eyes

and the way they light up

or how vividly they express sadness

you've never seen how your lips move when you speak

you've never seen how you bite your lip

when you're deep in thought

don't tell me you're not beautiful

when you've never truly seen yourself

you will not cry for me

no

how dare you

even express sadness

keep your sympathy

keep your pity

I don’t want it

death becomes me

you will not cry for the ghost of the person I once was

don’t leave flowers for me

the flowers will die anyway

just visit me instead

smile and tell me about your day

laugh and recount the memories we once shared

write me poetry and music

talk to me as if I am still here

because yes

I AM HERE

I am with you everyday

and I’m sorry I had to leave you like this

but if I could relive my pathetic life

I would spend every moment of my time

making you feel the love I craved so desperately

so no

do not cry

do not allow my death to occupy your time

just

talk to me

write me letters

just

remember me