i finger the hole

in between my existence

looking for my dew

-the droplets

that remind me

of the hedonistic values

the explicit content warning

that comes with my company

i can’t even touch myself

because i don’t consent

to my needs being met

when pain is pleasurable

for the entities that stalk

and sway in the shadows

i can’t remember the last time

i flicked the switch

from off to on

my gauge was broken

permanently flickering

and the scorch marks

etched the sweat

between my thighs

until its steam evaporated

into mimicking moans

that grunted wrath filled scores

warning tape envelops

i’m hazard to myself

yellow tape snakes itself

covering every inch

chastities choir

sing the song of no

of distaste and disgust

as i forget what it feels

to feel

anything but the ache and burn

of bones that shake and erode

beneath the acid of apathy.

trauma is trapped inside emotion

that sits in the cage of my chest

poison ivy pain wraps around bars

that rattles in the storm

behind the sternum-ed wall

screams that haven’t escaped the prison

lay in iron beds hardened with frost

stopping the seep from chest to tongue

from tongue to lip, lip to air

air to echo to ears that hear

that judge, that shame, that watch

down the diaphragmatic depths

desolation punches the dam

stress coils and entwines with anxiety

its shrieks of mimicry – whispers of lies

the “I’m okay’s” the “I’m fine”

the need to turn yourself inside out

to release and shed the shame

the pain, the blame, the ache of emotional agony

the rage, the guilt, the fullness of everything

of emotion, of memory,

of moments you can feel but can’t quite remember

the trap you can’t free yourself from

being inside your body but feeling outside

being an observer, a nothing

outside, you’d never know

outside, you’d think nothing is wrong with me

inside I feel so full

inside I feel so empty

People see my silence on the surface

she's happy, she's calm

inside I’m a storm

external silence – internally violent

a war, battle lines unclear

I’m in the trenches alone

there’s no hope left

I’m a graveyard of hope

how can I feel hopeful

when every day is the same

the same pain, the same war in my brain

each day an attack – again and again

am I insane? do others feel the same way?

how can I continue when all I feel is shame?

I don’t want to die

But I don’t want to be alive

living in this pain

- I can’t even see

a way out of this chaos

there’s no hope, it withered and died

I’ve learned the art of a lie

just smile and say I’m fine

I hold a secret inside dewy palms

– I’m a mess inside

this war in my mind

has me so blind, I can’t see who I’m fighting

I’ll never make it out – It’s frightening

I’m petrified of myself

- I’m the invisible enemy

when I’m gone – left behind – “broken” is my legacy

the complexity of thought has me tied up in it’s devilry

inside my head, I’m running from my captor

who will punish me without empathy

my destiny is written,

there’s no way out,

it’s the death penalty