i am at a loss of words

heartache, discomfort, affliction, and woe

purgatory, pain, agony, and dolor

depression, dejection, torture and gloom

no, that’s not it,

there is not a single word to describe it.

but if i must,

numbness,

i am at a loss of words

but let me try,

as my bones ache in the wallowing of my sad,

as the tears roll down my face again and again,

burning into the wounds you had create,

ripping my heart and taking your name,

the stabbing in my soul, the blood in my veins,

the ice in my eyes, the screams in the rain and…

i am at a loss of words

why did you leave me

why did you have to go, why didn’t you tell me

what did i do

you left a darkness in me, a burning flame

in the dark of the night to call out your name

i walk in the fog with no one to hold and

who's to blame?

i am at a loss of words

forgive me for letting you down

for watching you split, for watching you fall

forgive me for not rhyming in my poem to you

i know you loved it but 

the memories are too…

i know i can never bring them back, and i have tried

forgive me for all i did wrong

i am at a loss of words

i can't put it together, and here i am

on your grave, on my knees shouting at God for

taking you away

it should've been me, the one in pain, 

the one dying inside, the one shouting in mind

there are so many things to say to you

and i am sorry i can't...

i am at a loss of words.

Waking up to the putrid smell of your sweat soaked body, taking it, as it's the only thing you know anymore. Mouth of rotting sweet nothings. Setting your cold toes on the frigid floor, turning a deep purple, enough to fill the rainbows we used to enjoy. Phased not by the nipping of the frosting air at your bare feet, but more so by the empty cold next to you. Covers thrown back. Tear stains sprinkle the worn out sheets like the powder freckles he had running across warm, pale skin. In. Out. Air in your lungs, the lungs that used to call out his name in nights like this. Now every breath is another reminder of the tormenting. He did it. The sheets. The sheets still retain him, like holding on for dear life. It's your musk, your cinnamon smell, your home scent. Masked. Masked by infidelity. Fading away like the life in love. The dust is starting to pile, the clothes starting to go stale. The water no longer fresh, the hair no longer soft. Draining. 

Fingers roaming into the night, soft kisses on rough lips. Fading away, changing to squeaky door knobs at night, patter of soft footsteps. A dip in the bed late at night, no more soft kisses. 

Forgive me for what I could not provide, come back.

It consumes you, infidelity. A monster with in a monster, off setting the lives of the innocent. It's dark hand cloaking your mind, and in one snatch, you left. 

What was given by her? What could I not administer? Shoulders aching, heart racing, tears falling, screams unleashing, plates crashing and...for what? Silence. She had something I did not. And I give my sincerest apologies for failing you. I've lost the bright in my eyes, the little sparkle in the center of muddy circles. You took that with you, along with my heart. You took it all to give to another. Maybe it was just that, the muddy circles, are hers of the forest? Or the ocean to match? Does she have a whiter smile, a softer laugh? Will you give her the ring? The one you took.

The ring no longer worn. Tarnished. Like the image you left behind. Infidelity. What an exquisite word. Noun. Unfaithfulness; disloyalty. That is your name now. Not Oliver or Jacob or anything else you bother to change it to. You are infidelity. And I have never stopped loving you.

Most kids don’t grow up like I did. Growing up in a hotel kind of alters you a little bit, all you know is your parents and their parents worked in them, and you can’t help but think if you’ll end up the same. You don’t want to end up the same but the slightest bit of guilt gets to you, are you supposed to end up the same? It took me nearly 17 years to realize what I wanted. I always thought I was going to end up back in my tiny town of Asheville at 27, working a boring day job, depending on my parents to find a decent guy for marriage because that’s how an indian family normally goes. Why wouldn’t I want to live up to those standards? I tried my hardest to keep my grades high to please my parents but all this time I wasn’t pleasing myself. I wasn’t feeling like I was living like I could be, like a teenager, so was my life always going to be like this? 

I want to fall in love. I've fallen in love. With a beautiful boy beyond my reach. He loves me too. But the persistent thoughts of my parents disapproval cloud our love. Yelling, crying, screaming, all for what. He's white. Like that should matter. Love is love no matter what gender or race, don't try and stop me. Don't tell me I don't know what love is because I know it's this.

I want to create my own life.

1. runaway from the country to the city to find a boy to waste my first kiss

2. waste my first kiss with a beautiful boy named Oliver

3. fall in love with the boy who wasted my first kiss

4. give myself to the boy who wasted my first kiss

5. dream about our future in the stars with the boy who wasted my first kiss

6. watch the boy who wasted my first kiss leave

7. see the boy who wasted my first kiss giving others his wasteful kisses

8. cry over the boy who wasted my first kiss

9. run home to the country to tell my momma about the boy who wasted my first kiss

10. be sad about the boy who wasted my first kiss

11. never fall in love because of the boy who wasted my first kiss

12. self medicate because of the boy who wasted my first

      kiss