I see your name flash across my screen with a new message

And I'm hit with a new wave of panic

What's wrong now?

What terrible thoughts are you about to plague me with now?

What worry are you going to burden me with now?

How do you plan on bringing me down now?

But then I open the message

And you are just saying "I love you"

And I start to think this relationship isn't all what it's cracked up to be

Because even that simple "I love you" causes more panic

Because why would be anything other than negative?

And it makes me worry that you are about to do something stupid

And this life I'm living these days

Sitting around worrying about you constantly

It's not right

Your love shouldn't send me spiraling down a dark path

When life starts to suck,

we tend to build these little fantasies,

little worlds where we are more important than we really are

And my life had just happened to be sucking at the moment

you came into view,

and you just so happened to look lovely to me,

and you spoke to me and seemed to care

So you were what my little fantasy revolved around,

what ran my little world

And I started to think I was more important than I was,

more important to you,

I thought we were close,

but we really weren't

And as my life started to suck less,

and my blindness and ignorance for you went away,

I started to realize I wasn't important,

and we weren't as close as my little fantasy and little world led me to believe

At first I was sad,

maybe even a little angry,

but I'm not anymore,

I understand now

So no,

I'm not angry,

or sad

I'm just learning how to grow up and move on

When the one you love

is drowning,

make sure it's not your hands that

put them there

and are holding them down

before you go preaching

about saving them

It's 4 am

I'm standing behind you in line

at our local Wal-Mart

You are buying some doughnuts

a $5 bouquet of flowers

and an "I'm Sorry" Hallmark card

Buddy,

Whatever you did wrong,

is going to cost more than $12.48 to fix.

I admired you from afar

while you admired them from afar

while they admired someone else from their side

I had hurt

when I saw you hurt

and you hurt

because they were happy

I hurt for you

because all I wanted

was for you to have what you wanted

and be happy

even if what you wanted wasn't me

I will hurt just the tiniest bit

that it wasn't me that you wanted

but admiring you from afar taught me one thing:

That if the one you want

wants something else

and they are happy

there is no point in hurting

because all that matters is that they are happy

Oh god

Here it goes again

That feeling in my chest

That stupid smile on my face

I've developed a crush

This is how it goes:

Stage one:

Wow, this person is pretty cool

I like being friends with them

Stage two:

I don't care how I look today

But wait, they will see me

I kinda care what they think

Wait, no I don't

But I kinda do

Stage three:

This person is attractive

My attractive friend

Who I want to look nice for

Do they think I'm funny?

Why do I even care?

I so don't care

(Shit)

Stage four:

I might, possibly have a tiny crush

I doubt it

No I don't

I have a crush

Tiny one

So totally doesn't matter

I'll tell my best friends about it

Stage five:

Oh hey, there they are

Oh my god they are cute

And funny

And so lovely

I adore them so much

I've got a giant crush

Shit

Shit

Shit

Oh my god they are talking to me

And laughing

Look at that smile

And those eyes

I'm melting

Stage six:

They're okay I guess

Not that special to me anymore

Oh well

Hey look at this other person

Wow, this person is pretty cool

I like being friends with them

Are you happier now?

Was it worth?

Taking someone's life and ripping it in two?

You only thought about yourself

Not about the ones you should have

Who did this even help?

Sure as shit not us

The ones who should have mattered most of all

You say one thing

Just to turn around and do the opposite

Sometimes I start to believe you again

I come around to warming up

But then you just hurt me again

And I'm left feeling stupid

You've kicked us while we are down

Just for your own enjoyment

So I wish you the best

And ask you this:

Are you happier now?

Look at you kiddo,

Still loving life

Loving school

Reading is your number one passion

Being with your family is your favorite thing to do

Your innocence still intact

This cruel world hasn't corrupted you just yet

Now I'm not one for spoilers, so I'll just give you some advice:

Cherish these times,

Spend more time with your loved ones,

Be a little nicer,

And

Put more love into this world

Knowing you, you've barely paid attention to any of this

But just be ready for what's about to come next,

Stand tall,

Stay strong,

And don't ever let people trample over you

Stick up for yourself kid

And get ready to fight

You are wearing my coat again

But it's not even that cold

It's your favorite kind of weather

You love the way the wind kisses your skin

Causing the bumps to rise a little

You are wearing my coat again

And I'm thinking it looks better on you

My clothes always look better on you

You are wearing it for another reason

You are wearing my coat again

Just because you like the smell of me on it

I give it to you willingly

Just because I like the smell of you on it

How am I supposed to breath

When I have this constant pain

Never letting me get enough air

And when I try

It stops me with a quick blow to the ribs

I try to fill my lungs

But it leans in and whispers

"Don't even try it sweetie"

While digging that knife in deeper

Stopping any chances for air to get in

It will leave me at times

Letting me breathe easy for a while

Making me think it gets better

But then it snatches that hope away

Leaving me to gasp for air once more