It was dark and assuring

In all its unrelenting cruelty.

It sought to betray and adore,

These thoughts simmering in angst.

A heart that failed to beat

But fluttered

With the damnation

Of affection.

And yet I found sanctuary

In this unforgiving echo.

The sinister lull

Which condemned me

And forever bound me

To these unspoken thoughts.

The whispered slaughter

Of the human brain

And the heavy burdens

Of a human heart

All embraced me

In the butchery

Of

this

silence.

Water still flows,

the waves wear me out.

But the tides still turn,

and I'm stuck in doubt.

Leaves still fall,

they crackle with a crunch.

But yet they still flutter,

and I'm stuck with a hunch.

Snow still glistens,

they flakes drag me down.

But they still spiral on,

and I'm stuck like a clown.

Wind still whistles,

and the whirls sting like a bitch.

But they keep on blowing,

and I'm stuck in a ditch.

The days are too quiet,

the nights too long.

And I stare out in space,

wondering if I belong.

For here I am,

out during dusk,

unflinching and frozen,

where I'm still stuck.

Can I escape yet?

Away from the place that brings me tears,

away from the shards that cut.

Away from the blood that stains,

away from the people that hurt.

When will I finally be able,

to fly away and survive on my own?

They do nothing but make me feel like shit,

they taunt and tease until I feel sick.

They never believe me,

they say I'm full of lies.

Though I may not have gashes or bruises,

I'm banged and battered inside.

'Stupid,

fake,

selfish,

ugly,

lazy,

useless.'

The words that cut like a knife.

I minus well just slice my skin open,

for all the pain of their poisonous venom.

But I still have hope.

From the music that helps me imagine,

and the words that inspire my heart.

I believe that dreams come true,

and I would be a fool not to.

I know it'll be over,

a couple more years and I'm through.

I'll be off somewhere far,

a beautiful city anew.

Far from these small twisted people.

Far from the cruelty that awaits.

Far from the slashes of their tongues.

And far from paying for their mistakes.

So when I escape,

and trust me, I will;

You'll see a girl with a smile,

one that stretches for miles.

She'll be happy and boundless and free.

She'll see the world through shades of positivity.

And though right now that might not be me,

I have trust and I have faith,

that it eventually will be.

I know I'm a disappointment,

and I know you hate me for it.

I hate myself for it.

You don't want a wimpy bookworm,

or a freak writer.

A girl with a passion for creating,

a girl with a love for fantasy.

I'm not a chemical genius like Rachel,

nor a beacon of happiness like Janie.

I'm not a super star athlete like Ellie,

and I'm not who you want me to be.

And for that, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't make you happy.

I'm sorry I'm just another burden on your shoulders.

I'm sorry for using so much of your money.

I'll try and pay you back, I promise.

I'm sorry you don't love me.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

I feel distant.

I feel happy.

I feel lonely.

I feel strong.

I feel hopeless.

I feel worthy.

I feel desperate.

I feel independent.

I feel ugly.

I feel motivated.

I feel incomplete.

I feel friendly.

I feel heavy.

I feel like I should give up.

I feel like I shouldn't give up.

Because I have to keep going.

Because this isn't the end.

This is only the beginning.

But I feel so many things.

And yet I feel numb.

And this is why I keep floating.

Because I don't know what I'm feeling.

And so I don't feel anything.

Yet I feel everything.

At once.

If blood smelled

like roses,

Maybe I could breathe. 

Maybe I could paint.

If only I could breathe.

If eyes saw

underneath,

Maybe you could love me.

Maybe you could be happy.

If only you could love me.

If pain sounded

like song,

Maybe I could hear.

Maybe I could laugh.

If only I could hear.

If death wasn't

so permanent,

Maybe you'd be alive.

Maybe you could breathe.

Maybe you could love me.

Maybe you could laugh,

If only you were alive,

maybe I'd be free.

I promise, I swear,

isn't wasn't me,

but you don't care.

They didn't hear me.

I don't know when she came, 

I don't know how she bled,

I don't know what she did,

I don't know why she's dead.

Their minds were made up.

I've told you,

I said it over and over,

and I'll say it again,

I didn't kill her,

just give me a chance.

All in favor?

Look at the evidence!

Look at the proof!

Don't just vote blindly,

you clueless fools!

Their hands raised.

The gavel came down.

The cuffs came out.

Oh, why don't you hear me?

Why can't you see?

I didn't kill her!

It wasn't me!

Mind racing

breath slashing

heart beating

blades flashing.

Whispered secrets

echoed thoughts

silvered moonlight

crimes not caught.

Essence shaking

unsure feelings

make up your mind

time's reeling.

Sliced skin

labored breathing

cold sweat

silent screaming.

She was gone

soul vanished

eyes closed

task managed.

Shattered glass

darkest night

clocks ticking

nothing's right.

Small hushes

dusk to day

scars fading

nightmares stay...

and silent screaming

still keeps me awake.

Yeah, sure, I might be a geek with braces and a loud sense of style. Sure, I have weird fangirl moments and I crazily obsess over books and boybands. I admit that I might be partially insane and talk too loud. I may be a bit blunt, but at least I'm genuine and real. I don't cut for attention and I actually have real eyelashes and eyebrows. My nails are chipped and unpainted, but they're not doused in toxins and alcohol 24/7. And yeah, I'm not popular.

But listen here, Mister, and listen well—I was your best friend, your only friend long before all these try hard wannabes even knew you existed. You think you're all "high and mighty" because of this new group you hang out with but in fact, practically everyone outside your little friend circle hates you. I mean, you guys aren't even the "real" popular kids.

You walk around the school like you own the whole damn building, and I know you've resorted to cheating during cross country. You ignore me in front of your new "friends" and you act as if you don't have a care in the world.

But let me ask you this—who let you stain their shirt with tears when that hoe dumped you? Who put together a playlist of 83 songs for you when you got sick of your own music? Who held your hand when you got scared on that roller coaster? Who did you confess all your secrets and sorrows and regrets to? That's right. Me.

And now you've become a total asshat, and you rarely even bother to say 'hi'. You act as if I've done nothing for you, and you brush me off like one of those blonde bimbos you were so into at one point. Heck, I'm the one who pulled you out of that phase!

I was here since day one, and for three years I put up with the whirling shit-storm known as you.

So please, remind me again, what did I ever do to get tossed to the curb like an empty Twizzler bag you finished at the movies? You used to be so sweet and kind and caring.

You've mutated into some stuck up douche bag who only cares about his dumb hair and thinks he runs the freaking world. And now that I think about it, without me, you'd still be the nerdy science kid in the back of the room nobody wanted anything to do with. I don't know what happened to you, but I want you to mark my words: when this womanizing f-boy reputation you ditched me for sends you crashing and burning to the ground, don't expect me to come salvage the pieces.

So when you're life breaks down into sharp tiny fragments and you pick up the phone to call me, remember this—I won't answer.