Please excuse me, I’m not entirely myself today

I just *fell*

In the most un-graceful way there is to *fall*

There are so many things I wish I could let myself do 

please don’t make me watch you kill yourself

I’m not going to fit into your box, no matter how much of me you chip away

where do you wander off to when I talk to you?

how can you sit there staring at me, without seeing a thing?

who is it you wish I were?

what can I do to be more like her for you?

when do we stop pretending this is working?

why did you fool me into thinking I could have you?

that thing i do where i get all anxious and exceedingly awkward and basically socially inept

i said i didn’t know what it was

but i do

(yay for lying to you!)

it happens when i realize i’m being *seen*

like really actually honestly being *seen* by someone

there’s something that happens in peoples’ eyes when they *see* you

and you can *see* that they’re *seeing* you

and it becomes a lot for me

to acknowledge that someone is really actually honestly *seeing* me

like he did

like you did

like you do

and so i proceed to recede into myself and clam up and hide away and evade all forms of eye contact and physical contact and basically exclude myself from the interaction I’m meant to be included in

because I don’t know how to handle being *seen*

it’s like my family doesn’t care

or doesn’t know how to care

or doesn’t know how to ask questions

they’ve forgotten the basic form of a question

of how to notice

of how to be interested

of how to pretend to be interested

of how to reciprocate

of how to talk about anyone else’s life, aside from their own

of how to talk, period

of how to listen

of how to remember literally anything i’ve ever said

of

how

to

fucking

care

at

fucking

all

:)

Nash to Charles and Marcee ...

(verse)

YOU CAME TO BE, TO ME, YOU SEE,

THE WAY IDEAS CAME, MATHEMATICALLY.

SO, MY FRIEND, I TOOK YOU SERIOUSLY.

BUT, GRADUALLY,

I CAN, INTELLECTUALLY AND FACTUALLY,

REJECT SOME OF THE DELUSIONALLY

INDUCED LINES OF THINKING THAT I'VE HELD, CHARACTERISTICALLY.

(chorus 1)

IRRATIONAL

MY IDEAS ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL

THE VOICES CAME SOMEHOW

THOUGHT THEY WERE ANGELS I COULD NOT DISMISS

BUT, MY SUBCONSCIOUS WAS WHAT I COULD NOT RESIST

I KNOW THIS NOW

I NOW KNOW THIS

(verse 2)

A QUALITY OF CONTIGUITY:

SIMPLICITY IS PRIZED IN PERSONALITY

GENTILITY: PROCLIVITY TOWARDS AFFABILITY

WHILE EXCITABILITY'S AKIN TO A VULGARITY

A SHARED MENTALITY

SANITY: A FORM OF OUR CONFORMITY

RATIONALITY: A LIMIT ON A PERSON'S RELATIVITY

(chorus 2)

IRRATIONAL

MY IDEAS ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL

THE VOICES STILL COME NOW

THEY ARE PERSUASIVE AND HARD TO DISMISS

IT'S MY SUBCONSCIOUS CHATTER I CANNOT RESIST

WHAT TO DO NOW,

NOW THAT I KNOW THIS?

(bridge)

IN MADNESS,

I THOUGHT MYSELF THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON

AS I WOULD OBSESS,

IT WAS MY IMPORTANCE I'D IMMERSE IN

IF I CAN THINK MYSELF A HUMAN, IN A HUMAN BEING'S DOMAIN

MAYBE I CAN FIX THIS ILLNESS, ALL THE STRAIN, THE PAIN; BE SANE

(chorus 3)

IRRATIONAL

MY IDEAS ABOUT THE SUPERNATURAL

THE VOICES CAN COME NOW

THEY MAY BE LOUD, BE AGGRESSIVE, VERY HARD TO DISMISS

IT'S JUST SUBCONSCIOUS CHATTER I'LL HAVE TO RESIST

I'M READY NOW,

NOW THAT I KNOW THIS

sometimes (all the time) I'm alone

there are people (who are these people?) around me

but I don't (can't) seem to see them

I don't (can't)

won't (can't)

see them (SEE them)

why (I know why) don't (can't) ((won't)) I see them?

what (who) am I afraid of?

what (who) don't (won't) I let them see?

why (I know why) don't (won't) I show them me (who?)

For those who find it easier to self-inflict emotional abuse

Than to search to see their striking beauty, worth, and use

It's really time for you to make the choice

Set free your heart, your soul, your stifled voice

It's true that it is tough

But...

You CAN admit that you are far more than enough

...

There are times in our lives where we all seem to find

It’s hard to displace that loud Judge in our mind

“You aren’t this. You’re not that. You’re too thin. Far too fat.”

We just lay down and take it – it’s the shoe, we’re the mat

We let the Judge take us over, tear us down, rip us out

We become a pushover to our own voice’s shout

To acknowledge is great but just opens the gate

You want to live your own life, not just simply narrate

We must do more than see the problems that exist in ourselves

And not pack them away like we would books inside shelves

If we leave things off there: see what’s wrong, say a prayer

Well, then, to our dear selves we would be most unfair

If you’ve come to the point where you’ve just given up

It’s now time for you and your mind’s Judge to break up

Yes, it’s hard, it is sad, there are more tears to be had

But, by God, when you’ve done it, your soul will be glad

When those thoughts creep on in telling you what they may:

“Not attractive, not successful, not worth loving.” YOU pay.

You lose chances, you lose friendships, you lose out on what could be

If you’d find a way to say, with your heart, “I love me.”

How strange that those three words can oft be harder than, “I love you.”

We think it odd, immodest, cocky, ill-thought, indeed, taboo

To show ourselves the same kind warmth we offer others freely

Giving some nice words to your own self won’t upset the world…really.

It is easier, at times, to note the things we don’t possess

Than appreciate those things we have. At least, that is, unless…

With outside reinforcement, comments, praise, congratulations,

We are able to have momentary, passing celebrations

Yet…

With all the nodding heads who may grant you a compliment or two

The only true approval that matters comes from you

So, searching for it elsewhere will not bring you any peace

Indeed, you won’t find that until those inner Judges cease

Well, how can you begin to make the moves you need to make

When your Judge has spent years weaving through your mind just like a snake

It’s nothing that will happen overnight; of that, I’m sure

It’s something that will take a bit of time and patience to procure

Self-deprecation, self-effacement, self-deconstruction, self, self, me

Perhaps our constant inward view impedes our chance to see

If we can change our focus, change our habits, change our mind

Then, certainly some harmony, some peace, we’re sure to find

When you see yourself start slipping into a more toxic place

When you notice that it’s hard to look, with grace, at your own face

When you start to feel alone within a friendly crowd

When you can’t find words to say and your mind’s thoughts all sound too loud

When you wish you could go back in time or simply jump ahead

When you wake up wishing you could just stay wrapped inside your bed

When your life lacks all the color that you find inside your dreams

When doubt, despair, fear, rage, and hurt seem to be common themes

When you wish you could control the world and hate the fact you can’t

When you don’t want to say anything because it might turn into a dark rant

When you can’t look in your own eyes and see what’s there to see

When you feel it’s only you who’s somehow stripped of all life’s beauty

Take a breath, two breaths, just close your eyes and breathe

Try your best (as that’s enough) to dig down underneath

Dig down into yourself, just breathe and let it be, let it weigh

Let all the truths you think you know about yourself give way

You’ve made a definition about who you are and, now,

You’ve let that definition define you, confine you, somehow

You’ve given up on standing up for the you you know you are

You’ve forgotten who you’re letting down, letting go, letting scar

Please, do not forget yourself, don’t let you fade away

It is not embedded in your code: “Yourself, you must betray”

Please do try to see yourself, to see, to hear, to know

Try your best to understand why your, "crutch," is feeling low

What makes you scared of feeling hot, of flying high, of standing tall?

What is so fearsome in the thought of confidently holding it all?

All of your quirks, gifts, messy mistakes, brilliant ways, lies, truths, your heart

You can make, "owning your everything ,"into a deepened art

Yes, you can look into your eyes and see what lies inside

You can boldy stand up tall instead of crouch and hide

You can learn to love yourself; I promise that is true

You can see you're beautiful, yes you, beautiful you

"Why

do

we

die,"

she

asked

her

mother.

"I...

you

see...

*sigh*

He,

hast...

Your

brother."

I

Can't

Seem

To

Say

The

Words

I

Need

To

Say

I

I

Fuck

Fuck

Fucking

Can't

I

Wish

I

I

Could

I

Hate

My

My

Inability

Inabilities*

I

I

hate

I

hate

I

I --