My mind is blank. Blank as white as paper sheet. Blank as black as the darkest night. I never know as I feel too much. Too many feelings that I cannot name them. Strung high and low in my mind, constricting my heart tightly.

What am I going to do now? Life does not seems worth it anymore. To still keep breathing for the next day is the greatest achivement nowadays. To live on the smallest moment of happiness is my fuel for the day.

Until when? I don't know.

You used to smile a lot.

You used to laugh a lot.

You used to be confident.

You used to go out regularly.

You used to be good at speaking with others.

But

that is all I used to be.

Who am I used to be is dead

in that empty periods of us being apart.

I am not someone that you used to know anymore.

I am not who I am used to be.

Am I happy? I don't know. Am I sad? I don't know. The only thing that I know is I'm trying my best to live, live my life with a mixture of every emotion that I can name of. Life is piling up on me, pushing me into the abyss of darkness. At first, I feel suffocate but now empty is filling its place. I'm accepting the emptiness because it's a part of me too. Will I ever be happy? I don't know. To feel happy in sadness is a blessing. To breath when you're suffocating in life is a blessing. Dream, hope, keep going. Yesterday me, present me and future me, they are all a part of me. One day, the future that I can't imagine will be my present, the present that crushing me now will be my past. One day, I'm going to ask myself again, am I happy? One day.

I dream to sing,

Travel in a world tour,

In front of audiences on a big stage,

Drown in the screams and applause,

But,

That was my young dream,

I'm on a different path now,

Far from the dream and imaginations,

Mundane and static in the same routine,

Only dreaming about my younger dream,

That is far from my grasp now.

He, who never sees me

because

she has left unerasable marks

in his heart.

Scars with rough stitches

that bleed when the present

meets the past,

their past.

I stand, stare at the wall

of his broken heart,

I want to heal it

but the wall is solid hard.

So I picture a future with him

with her away from his memory,

However, I realize,

am I even in his present now?

I dream of a dream,

where I fall for a brokenhearted man

who is out of my reach,

and he turns me into a brokenhearted woman.

Slouching, staring into the mirror,

Freckles, pimples, and scars on my face,

Pinching, flapping my fat belly,

Chubby, plump, and fat,

Where do I fit into?

Short and petite,

Tip-toeing never makes any difference,

"Don't worry; you're short but cute."

"Really? Thank you."

But, it is hurt, sometimes. 

Shy and awkward,

Talking to strangers is never my forte,

However if you speak to me, we can be friends because, 

"Congratulation, you've opened the Pandora's Box."

Just kidding, I am not troublesome, maybe sometimes.

I wrap the Mother tightly,

create the Strong and Weak Nations,

split apart the Physical Bodies,

chain the Seekers of Peace,

I am the Borders,

the invisible but invincible lines.

I want to run to the nearest airport, 

depart in the earliest plane, 

shorten the time travel, 

and get off the flight faster.

I want to embrace you in my arms,

shower you with kisses,

hear you say "Welcome back, Dear.", 

and whisper "I miss you." softly in your ears.

I want to be wherever you are,

I want to be at home,

because love,

You are my home.