It's been so long since i sat with the darkness, I almost forgot what it was like

It spews hatred and malice

Forces it's way into even the tiniest of cracks

Once there expanding and tearing down your walls

The darkness knows no bounds

I smile a little when I think of all the time me and the shadows have danced

Inseparable we are

I sway to the left, avoid debris falling

She pulls me to the right to avoid the brightness of the light

And so we are,

We exist in this dance until i can find a new partner

Someone to take place of the creature in my life

Whether it be a family member, doctor

For many people its an addiction of sorts

I sit in my chair

Darkness surrounding me

Pestering me to make my next move in the game we play

I protect my queen and rook

To me they are invaluable

My family,

They love me so

They watch and cheer me on as the war of wits is waged

Praying I win, I will for now though

I'll defeat this creature just in time for another to bring its ugly head into the game

I will be a new kind of champion

My cheerleaders will be praised for being by my side

Somehow thtthis illness will prevail though, live to fight again........i'll be

I just can't be me all the time

happiness resonates from every fiber, but I just can't do it

I'm not mad nor sad

those words I left behind for more eloquent ones

words that better describe my feelings

like a screw turning until its just right in it's place

right where I belong

what if we are the reflection

we are inside the mirror and the world is affecting the image

we stand there playing the part

being what the world makes of us

mad if they tell us to be

happy because they yell smile

laugh because we are brainwashed into believing that something is funny

we just portray what they want to see

quick put on a play, dance for us

it comes from a numb mind

if that's the truth it's way too easy to just be

if only I could really dry her tears, maybe I would be a better person

If only I had studied harder, I could take her away from this life

If only I had tried harder, I could make things right

If only I hadn't...but I did

I committed a crime against the soul, guilt.

there's only one way out

I had a weak spot and they found it

I begged for pleasures of the flesh

now I only thrive in absolute silence, NOTHING

I stand in my own way, the only path to greatness is through holding onto myself as I try to fly

wings made of porcelain painted in gold, I could carry her with me I just know it

instead I have to bare this guilt, Instead I have this burden of all that will be and all that could have been.

I cannot carry you nor him, my arms are full from the pain and suffering I have the potential to cause

If only I could get rid of it....IF ONLY

I think

way to much for this mind, living every minute with thoughts weighing down my mind

I live drowning in my own sea of prose and poetry

I feel as if I am too much soul for this body

just waiting to break out and free myself of the chains of reality that humanity has placed upon me.

this suffering is not surreal though, I ponder about how grateful I am to have a vessel for my soul, how lucky I am to breathe in the summer breeze,

how fortunate I am to taste the sweetness of a glass of wine, an apple, or the tang of gouda.

yes I am very rich, not in monetary values but in soul, friends, and life....then again aren't we all

<p>&lt;p&gt;I'm a survivor&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;living through the daily battle of life&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have lived long enough to tell some tales.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;like the time I thought time had done me in.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;suicide was more than on my mind.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;A constant stream of torture. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;slip of the noose, slice of the blade.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I am a survivor.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I have lived far too long to tell my own tales.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I know now that whispering about pain only reminds others that they too may have suffered.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;but here, this domain, there is a piece of me that is free.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;keep reading if you like.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;please feel free, that is what you were meant to be. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;the choices are yours. &lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;I survived my freedoms, you see some of us are cursed with it.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt; A staggering wall and river of unending decisions, the only time you can think for yourself the only real freedom you get is how little you sleep and when. but I survived..........and you can too&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;</p><p>&lt;/p&gt;</p>

The truth is I think about suicide, A lot. More than others. Before you go about saying I need help answer me this, How do you know that I currently am not? How do you know your brand of help actually will?

I Can't tell everyone about this without being anonymous. This isn't a cry for help, that would not be in the best interests of what I'm trying to accomplish.

This isn't an attempt at seeking more attention. That phrase is what kills those already on the edge.

This is real. I have been here before.

I have tried to change, my inner voices made me strange. I have set the stage for my final performance. selected the playlist of the last songs I will hear. planned for it just like in the movies, but something is stopping me.

could it be the smiles of my wife and son? No I am hurting them with my presence. it's all the laughter that they haven't shared yet. the fickle little things are what prevent most of us.

bills that haven't been paid yet, worrying about whether or not they can afford a funeral right now.

dishes that aren't washed yet, secrets that I haven't shared yet, we haven't cut those ties yet.

to accomplish this we need everyone that loves us to join ranks with those that hate us.

pay attention world because I'm going to attempt to survive a suicide

"I didn't ask for this pain"

said every man throughout time.

you pick the ones you love and create life

only to outlive those closest

is it a mirage, an illusion if you will?

we want eternal life for those we care about, forgetting that they too care about us

but like the millionaires out there, we can't all be rich

this earth cannot support gods

it was not built to withstand a hurricane of immortal lovers

instead love deeply, love daily, die with dignity

proud and strong

the world would truly suffer if we weren't returned to dust after a lifetime of damage and destruction

letting go of our loved ones?

maybe that's how we honor them, sharing their memories to others

fish tales of the glory days

laughter, tears and smiles about the world that once had them in it.

no we didn't ask for this pain but it will happen again and again

It all begins with a bottle

my self destruction

how can you help those that don't even know they need it

shouldn't you ask permission&nbsp;before you publicly humiliate me

before you tear me down making me want to reach the bottom even faster

it's not your fault I light myself aflame

but do you have no sorrow for the pain you have caused me?

they say words don't hurt

when in reality they are the deadliest weapon of all

the secret to this

my one solace within all this suffering

having the wisdom to know

HOW IT ALL ENDS

every one is born with their own curse

to find their own worth in their own way

mine curse&nbsp;is to survive one more day

im trying to find in everyone

that thing that makes them in their eyes imperfect

to keep my self in check

to find that i'm no worse off than anyone else

everyone burns

everything breathes

everyone bleeds

my heart goes into this ink

these pages become home to my life

a way to teach you all who i am inside

that third face i have

its hard to see in everybody

their internal flaw

they hide it so very well

now is your time to shine

embrace your imperfections

show the world who you really are

remove those masks

remove the bloodied wraps that hide your healing woulds

thrive in your pain

become someone they regret not getting to know