it's been a million years

since you first asked me

what if

we're different people now

don't recognize the person in long forgotten photos

one question opened a black hole

of tangent questions and late nights

thinking of all your what ifs

we find ourselves lightyears from the start

a long journey of experience

to become the person in the reflection

but I had to know

if it was still there

our what if

I've waited, like you said

"someday"

that day has come and gone, years in the making

I understand your diplomatic answer

but I feel it was too clinical and standard

I'll just agree and put it away

move on to a new quest

maybe find a happy ending

you left

and I didn't understand what I did wrong

you left

and never said goodbye

you left

and said maybe next time

you left and weren't bothered by my panic

you left and kept saying sorry, never again

you left

and destroyed any next times

you left

and shattered every promise

you left

and all hope for our future snuffed out

you left

and broke my heart and soul to pieces

you left

and kept on with your sorrys

youleftyouleftYOUFUCKINGLEFT

and everything tarnished by a 1am phone call

I always wondered why little girls wanted to play house

Pretend to be a wife

Cook, clean, children

smiling and giggling all the while

I always enjoyed being the family pet

goofy and without care

I've insisted I'll never have kids

just be a family pet forever

around every corner someone says

"you'll change your mind"

small polite smiles and fire in their eyes

my standard response "doubt it"

until I met You

every idea for my future

knocked away by picket fences

I saw it all; I wanted it all

late nights changing diapers

arguing over school districts

buying our forever home

the family pet on the sofa

Our Life

I saw it; I felt it

yet in one mistake it was ripped

from my hands and heart

You stole those crisp with pickets

and I don’t know where to go

along the many destinations

of late night dreams

I caught a glimpse of You

standing still in every frame

following me through each turn

with stormy eyes and a dazzling smile

sun beams light up my skin

tingling the nerves

before wakefulness grabs me

I'm there beside you

warm, white sand beneath our toes

crisp salt air invades our lungs

a summer breeze tangles my hair

You turn to me with a loving smile

soft voice wraps around my heart

"One day, Little One"

Our texts flew back and forth across cyberweb super highways. Jokes, memes, gifs, and the usual gripping about our shitty jobs. The smile never left my face the whole day. warmth was spreading through the tiny, unbroken pieces of my heart.

I missed you, You said. Followed by a cute image of kitties hugging. We need to hang out soon, came the next message rapid fire. I felt lightheaded as my heart sped up. Miracles do happen.

We traded our plans for the night. You were watching the new Marvel series on Netflix. I would be soaking in a bath of water from Mordor. Hopefully in bed and asleep before midnight. Starting the New Year exactly how I want; dreaming of a better life. We agreed to talk about getting together soon.

‘For You’ plays on 97.1 as I make the grueling trek home. I perform to classic rock until I’m parking in the garage. Finishing off ‘Peace of Mind’, I greet my cat, Raven. Extended weekend has begun and I am thrilled. Leftover pasta and garlic bread await my consumption.

With skin rosy and warm, I grab my softest flannel and lay in bed. Dishes can be done tomorrow when moving isn’t as hard. I’m flipping across genres on Netflix, attempting to decide on something to binge. My cat decides to cuddle and her purring soothes the loneliness in my soul.

I pick up my phone and check the time. 8:45pm. Clicking on my fav rom-com, I pick up a book and aim to lose myself in another world. Time slips by until the door bell rings. At first I don’t hear it, lost in the minds of those in the pages. It rings again and I’m shocked out of my stupor. My phone reads 11:50pm. Who the fuck is at my door? Raven picks her head up and meows her confusion.

I climb out of the warm cocoon and pad softly to the alarm tablet. Punching in the numbers to disarm I try to sneak a peak of my guest from the kitchen window. The angle is wrong and I can’t see anything. Bracing myself for some drunk idiot who’s probably lost, I swing open the front door.

My gasp is loud in the stillness of the house. There you stand. Red flannel and jeans. There is a softness in your eyes and that smile I love so much.

“I didn’t want to spend another year without you.” You cup my face in your hands and kiss me as the clock turns 12:00pm.

you always here women say, "why can't I find a nice guy?" i've said it plenty of times. i've dated some real pieces of work. liars, cheaters, alcoholics, handsy, violent. i've said countless times how i'll never date another asshole. never another player. never another drinker. nevernevernever. but guess what? i always do! because i want to help them. fix them. change their old, bad habits and make good ones. it doesn't end well, for either party. fighting, resentment, loads of swearing. all the ugliness i ignored in favor of my love spill out over every happy moment we shared.

then, i met a great guy. caring, gentle, understanding, open-minded. completely charming and funny. a real hard-working guy. he's gorgeous too. doesn't abuse alcohol, or me. concerned about how i'm doing, how work is, my day-today life. my hopes, dreams, plans for my future. wants to be a part of it, too. takes me out. we have fun. he doesn't push to have sex. a real gentleman.

i want so much to return his love and affection. but i'm nasueated by his jokes and smile. the sweet gestures and carefully planned dates infuriate me. those gentle hands are intolerable on my skin. and every tender kiss makes my stomach clench and bile swims up my throat.

and there i go. running 800mph as far as possible. i don't deserve that kind of man. i'm far too damaged. poisioned by things better left in the dark. i just run. runrunrun and never look back. i run into the arms of the first douche i find. i smile at the comfort of too rough hands and whiskey breath.

I wake up slowly, as if from a deep sleep. though I don't remember falling asleep. the slow pounding in my head told me too much alcohol was consumed. I kind of regret that bottle of Jack. eyes are gritty with sleep and left over mascara. my body is a mass of lead and tingles from being motionless too long.

I squeeze my eyes as pinpricks light up my arms and legs. at least I can wiggle my toes and flew my fingers. time to get up. I take a deep breath brace myself for the wave of stinging zings. I tense my muscles for movement and freeze.

…that smell. I didn't notice until now. dirt. musty. sweat. where the fuck am i? my eyes pop open like a Jack-in-the-box. everything is blurry. too bright, too soon. blinking rapidly to clear the view. I'm in a small room. dirt floor, plain walls, there's a small window on the far wall next to a wooden door.

where in the fuck am i?

this can't be real. please let this be a dream. but the cot under me feels real. I can taste the heavy scent of body odor and garbage in the air. fighting the swelling panic, I count. slow, deliberate, whispered. I finally sit up and again am frozen with fear. there is a strange sensation around my left side. a tugging, dull throb emanates heat around my side.

no, please no. nonononono. fuck no!

a ball of dread forms in my gut. curdling and roiling. one slow breath in and out, I lift my shirt. one more breath. open eyes. my skin is an angry red. there's a neat little row of stiches. it's horizontal.

a scream rips through my throat. horrified, piercing. before my eyes shut in a faint, I take one image to the darkness. a Mexican flag waving beyond the open window.

if only you would see me. not the one that pulls on a mask for the world.

please see me…

singing loudly in the car and the shower. dancing wildly while folding laundry, or because it's 9PM on a Sunday. making happy feet when dinner is ready. walking into the house and saying Hi to my house and cat. the me that turns restlessly in bed. longing for the day you see me. even for one small moment.

He's there

a lighthouse in an ocean of tiny candles

He floods my mind

constantly

louder

always brighter

moremoremore

searching for me, beckoning

….I have yet to answer

I can feel Him

physically, every.single.second.

I can smell Him, taste Him

gentle buzz around my head

warmcomfortingfamiliar

hypnotizing me

lulling my broken heart to sleep

…I still don't answer