Warning for you, sweet soul;

She almost ruined

us for someone else.

...almost.

Photo Credit: Me

12/15/19

Every time I try and sleep, I think about her.

~

Every time I wake up in the morning, I think about her.

~

I should get over her, if she noticed she’d probably manipulate me.

~

But I can’t, she is my life.

~

I may not be her life, but in my eyes, she is my life.

~

Tears roll down my eyes before my slumber.

~

I wish that things were better.

~

I wish you would return my love.

~

But I can’t force you.

~

So all I can do is hope that one day, things will change...

~

Stings a little

Scrolling through old pictures

I wonder if

It’ll all snap back into place

It was never

Suppose to be this way.

Heartbreak used to be a word

I’d heard in movies

always the scene with

the pretty girl with

the smeared mascara

and the high heels and perfect dress

but heartbreak for me meant

getting up in the morning

was a struggle of its own

showering meant losing me

and losing you

all together

all at once

It wasn’t pretty

as neither was I

i used to think

that if i shut myself off from everyone -

that if i didn't let them get close -

that i wouldn't get hurt

i used to think

that if i gave no one the key

to the door of my heart

that it wouldn't get broken down

i used to think

that it didn't hurt

to be alone

but it does

i used to think

that i -

that i didn't hurt

at all

i used to think

and look where it got me

so i stopped stopping to think

and i lived

I want to tell you don’t ever fall again, but I can’t because I know you. You look down now because you don’t want anyone to see the softness and vulnerability in those black eyes. You walk so stiffly because you know how clumsy you are, falling over nothing, and you hate it. One day, your bright eyes will open and you’ll see your clumsiness and vulnerability are what makes you endearing and lovely. How you wear your heartbreak all over you like a bunch of LED lights (you do that, darling, and it’s fabulous). I can’t warn you to not fall again because I know you will. I am still trying (and failing miserably) to not fall over anything. Just let it happen.

Eventually, your chin will callus and your legs will sprawl gracefully and it won't take you so long to crawl to the wall, balance yourself, and go out there and skate again. The fall is the part we always remember now, but you’ll make people laugh one day when you talk about trying to impress a boy by doing a double axle knowing you put on skates for the first time in years today. It’ll be okay, darling. A broken heart doesn’t stop you from loving again.

I remember the knot in my stomach

I remember the soaked palms

I remember the wandering eyes

I remember the painful thoughts

I remember the hurt in my heart

I remember it only hurt your voice

I remember the goodbye like it was only yesterday

Why can’t I remember the hello

That was supposed to be here to stay

You make it so hard to try to get over you.

Why can’t I stop thinking about someone I can’t have.

I’ve been left in this pit,

And all I have with me is a shovel.

I'd tell myself,

"Don't try."

But I can't unbreak my heart.