i love you even when i should run
even when you
love me
wrong
or not at all
even when you
make me question
if i’m lovable
at all
i end up
hating myself
even more
not just
because of you
but because i still choose you
knowing you won’t stop
reminding me
of my flaws
and even in silence
i hear it again—
your voice
the only time
you ever want to sit and talk
i hold my breath
knowing it means
you’ve made the list
the listing of
everything i do wrong
i still hear
the last one
from ten days ago
like a tape
i can’t shut off
and then
you call me
nuts
especially when i say
i don’t want to talk
but i still
circle back
to love you
i just tiptoe
around the explosives
the cost of children’s hospitals
it is as if
we didn’t make it out alive
because you and i
aren’t really living anymore
we are just getting by
doing our best together
yet living separate lives
our daughter
made it out of the hospital
for the second time
this month
you yelled at me
for asking too many questions
to the doctors
but i’m just
a worried mom
wanting to take her child’s
pain and distress away
and i think
that is all
you see now
a trait
you never hesitate
to say
is the weakest part of me…
my sensitivity.
but if sensitivity
is my weakness
then let me be
weak
because it means
i feel every cry
that she cannot voice
it means
i carry the weight
you refuse to see me carry
it means
i am the one
who stays up
watching her breathe
just in case
she stops
and still
you call it soft
like softness
is something shameful
like caring
is something
to grow out of
but i will not harden
just to make you
more comfortable.
I asked
for my heart back
not thinking you’d
actually listen.
but you did
and maybe
you were waiting
for this moment.
because if you
asked for yours in return
i could never in a million
years even if I wanted to.
because your love that lingers inside of me has become a spell
that can not be tamed by any means of potion or divinity.
you see your heart is blended in mine, and the love i have for you could never disappear unless my heart goes too.