In the streets

of dusky wind and cloudy sphere;

The silence prevails, the silence prevails.

Red red despair

bloody noon, bloody day

feet on the way and souls slayn’.

Scary scars, dreary dead

I crawl over my land

hurts more than a deep shallow sword,

Like a friend to a fiend.

A child to child

in the warming wombs cries underneath

Men to men, some young some worn

have lost their breath.

I held my tears

I let them go

I held them over

deep and more.

Bow down your crowns and pray

better we shelve,

Hunt us holy, sick and frail

Deaf is our cure, dear Dave dear Dave!

Red red despair

Bloody noon bloody day

Feet on the way and souls slayn.

Fragile lips, the eyes of pearls

A voice as clear the voice heard

Blood is hence mourn hails;

In the streets

of dusky wind and cloudy sphere,

The silence prevails, the silence prevails.

Obsidian.

All hope,

erased;

the color

drained from life.

Violet veins,

translucence, traced;

last breath,

ceasing to write.

Shrouded sun,

with scarlet,

sleeps

in darkness,

thunder roars.

Starlight sands,

stilled, silent.

Moonlight,

void its

vernal

score

.

I spent my thirty minute lunch period arguing with my friend about his decision to give a teddy bear to a random person on Valentine’s Day. This oddly irked me, I have known him for a few months now and I realized he has a tendency to be a nice person. Nice to me is a poison, an evil, it is something that is waiting to be corrupted, you cannot simply be nice without wanting something. It is a mode of being that is followed by resentment. Though he never seemed to show any signs of being resentful, if anything he seems to be quite resilient for someone who is nice. Just a couple months ago he asked a girl out and was immediately rejected, he managed to walk out the situation well and alive, it took him a while to return to his regular happy state but he did it. His niceness to me is foreign. He is a forward person that does not seem to be phased by the troubles lying ahead . He has a ‘tomorrow is not guaranteed’ mindset that is abhorrent to me. He is the polar opposite of me, and it is like I am in a purgatory when I am near the little optimist. Every optimistic shadow he casts over me makes me burn faster and hotter , as if I was a campfire consuming a forest, yet I remained there considering his words.

I had pointed out to him that doing nice things will not always play out the way he wants, that at some point he will hit a wall where he can no longer stay in place and hope that his good deeds will rapture him.

He then mentioned that people will always be there to help and if not then he will find a way to solve the problem when it arrives.

But why have so much faith in the world? Why not prepare for the possibility of the worst? Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. This argument was not so much about his decision to give a teddy bear, but my concern that he would end up like I am currently.

I am a ball of hate, a bastard with knives awaiting every competitor.

I have a flame inside of me that defies nature

I thought that he would end up making mistake after mistake, and end up hating everyone for it. The aftermath of this argument brought me to ask several questions.

1)Why do I constantly attempt to change my friends? 2) Is planning for the future a bad thing? 3) What makes me destructive?

These questions made me dig deeper into my past friendships.

Every friendship that I have had is similar to this new one, it is a mess of confrontations and a repetitive malaise. It begins with someone coming up to talk to me, after a couple of months we just hang out in silence or make a few jokes, after years of this I drift apart realizing that I never knew the person at all. I try to change them, and control them. I treat them like soldiers and send them to do my bidding. It is months of crawling through toxic sludge that mutates me into a horrid creature. I become an utter asshole to them.

I’ve realized this trend occurring in my current friendship, my past friendships have slowly disappeared, or at least I think so. All I know is that I have a problem with people, and I need help, but I do not know how to get it. At times I think I am bi-polar, or even have borderline personality disorder, but I cannot state this as fact. I just know that thinking back at my past relationships I have been a ticking time bomb waiting for the right place and time to ruin everything and everyone around me. Just as this essay is a mess, so am I.

Thank You.

I look upon the barren waste

To which I seem to be surrounded.

It has the left the most polarizing taste,

Of feeling both victorious and confounded.

I remember the glistening city

That used to stand tall, now diminished.

So it all seems to be oh so fitting

To say everything‘s undone and finished.

I wished that it didn’t have to be this way,

Words have lost all meaning.

Can’t someone take me back to the day

When the buildings still stood, gleaming?

I leaned into books and gleaned what I could

To learn about time travel

To rewind the clocks before I would

Cause everything to unravel.

Back to the times when things made sense

And decisions were my own.

To drive my own knight into the sea of light,

To the place that I called my home.

But alas, the past

is like ash

on a cigarette,

Begging to be flicked.

Try and try, but even a fool could bet

That it can never be relit.

I only find me in this misery

It’s a home I gladly share alone,

Rather than with those I love,

Where happiness is so far flown

Away, away, don’t come near

The annihilation is contagious.

The vibration that I’ve come to fear

Is both boring and outrageous.

This humming, buzzing, is coming from me

It destroys everything it touches.

If I could voice it, I’d finally be free-

Free from its outer clutches.

But it is lodged within my soul

Forever to remain, devilishly divine.

The rumbling that could turn a city of gold

To a worthless, abandoned mine.

Dare you still to journey near?

Then do not blame me, hence

The wicked rage’s head should rear

And come to my defense.

"Come on Lizzie you've got to get out of the house at some point, he broke up with you, what? Two weeks ago. Now get up!"

I glared at Skyler as she attempted to drag me out of bed, her short blonde hair was pulled back and her bangs covered her forehead. She was wearing a pretty summer dress with sunflowers on it.

Meanwhile, I look like death itself, my black hair was matted and my clothes had odd stains on it. Skyler looked at me in disgust.

"Come on please! Go take a shower! I promise you'll like the place I'm taking you! If not then I'll get you whatever you want..." she said and my interest was peaked.

"Anything?" I asked as I stood up out of my bed.

"Yes.." She said smiling.

"Fine" I groaned and made my way to the bathroom.

After I had gotten ready I walked back to my full body mirror. Okay, I look decent. My hair is brushed and pulled back, I'm wearing green shorts with a white crop top. I nodded to myself and walked back into my room.

"Okay, let's go," I said and Skyler squealed.

When we arrived at the "secret place" I was not impressed. It looked like an abandoned warehouse...

"What is this place?" I asked getting dragged to the entrance.

"You'll see!" Skyler said. We walked in what looked like some sort of range.

"Hey guys, welcome. Do you guys have an appointment?" The front desk guy asked. I looked down, I don't want anything to do with guys, they suck.

"Yes," Skyler said and stepped forward to sign in. After awhile I was dragged again to a room the was filled with crap. By crap, I mean straight up junk. There were old tv's and computers, fancy glass cabinets. I looked back in confusion.

"Okay, so I know you've been upset about Drew so I thought you might want to channel your energy. Take these," she handed me safety goggles, "and that sledgehammer and go smash some stuff." she said. I put the glasses on and walked over to the hammer.

"Like just smash stuff?" I asked.

"Yes, but every time you go to smash it, picture Drew's face and say something that makes you angry. The point of this is so you let go," she said and smiled softly. She then stepped back and also put some glasses on.

I stepped forward to the tv, I raised the hammer over my right shoulder and pictured Drew's face. His blue eyes, blonde hair, and beautiful smile. I scowled.

"I hate his smile," I said then brought the hammer down on the surface. There was a loud crunch and the screen exploded. I let out a shaky laugh and Skyler clapped for me. I turned to some glass patio tables.

"I hate that he lied," I said and brought it down again watching the glass shatter.

"I hate that he cheated," I said and swung the sledgehammer into the cabinet seeing the satisfying wood splinters.

"I hate that he moved on quickly." SMASH

"I hate that he's with her instead." SMASH

"I hate him!" I yelled and slammed it into the stack of windows.

After a few more hits I stopped and stood there surrounded by the broken glass and destruction. Did I feel better? Yes... yea I did. I feel so good. I don't need him, let him be with what's her face. Two cheaters deserve each other. I deserve better.

I turned back around to Skyler. I smiled and nodded. I threw the hammer to the side and ran to give her a hug.

"Thank you" I whispered.

Beautiful, pristine, white sheet canvas in front of me

Washed down with blue and gray

Dotted and scribbled

With abstract imagination

Gradient with somber emotion

Dripping down to stain the plastic

Still, so carefully,

Set aside to set and dry

Beautiful, pristine, white sheet canvas

Becoming, gradually, a gorgeous mess

Placed upon a pedestal

To slit the colored threads

With a knife

To sit in the dusty closet

With the other series of 'scarred' beauties

Just because my mind, my heart and my sould are already destroyed doesn't mean the destruction will stop.

Just because I'm in pieces doesn't mean the pieces can't get smaller.

Just because things are bad right now doesn't mean they can't get worse.

But, that also means that if things are good, bad, whatever, they can always get better.