if I could go back
If I could go back...
Would I stay away from you entirely?
Would I admire you from far away, without you knowing I existed?
Would I acknowledge your presence, but remain at a distance?
Would we still become friends, but I don't let you too close?
Would I still love you, but try harder to keep it hidden?
Would I change all my decisions?
Would I make the same mistakes, but prepare myself for how it ends?
Would you still leave me, whatever I change, whoever I am?
Would I still regret everything, however it ends?
If I could go back...
maybe I wouldn't go back at all.
Bartending
For the past four years, in order to pay for my psychology degree, I’ve been working as a bartender. Bartending may seem dull--and at times it is--but it’s also incredibly fascinating. At least, to me, it is. That’s because alcohol makes people truthful.
It lets their inner child sing. They tell me their wildest wishes, deepest dreams, most outlandish desires. And I listen to it all.
Humans. They’re all so fascinating.
And yet, overpowering all the tears of happiness and celebration, are the cries of regret. They drink to forget their regret. Ha. That rhymes. Must be true.
Here, alcoholics are honest children, begging deep down for a second chance. But I can’t give it to them. I can only give them another drink.
Timeless
If I could travel back in time
I'd try my best to make things right
I'd try to ease the pain away
And try to fix all my mistakes
I'd dig our "friendship" up from dirt
And ease your pain, your tears, your hurt
And then I'd say "I love you too"
Instead of acting like a fool
I never meant to run away,
This time around, I'll surely stay
In losing you I lost my faith,
My will to live, my one soulmate
I regret not being by your side
I left you in the dust behind
But if I could travel back in time
I promise that I'd make you mine.
when you’re the only creative one in the family.
My hands were shaking
I clenched the sides of the seat
as I stared into the depths of the bowl.
I was nervous and giggly in the car, anxious too
Laughing as I gloated about how well I would do
and now here I was staring into the depths of the bowl.
Back home, I can look over my shoulder now
and I see the empty notebooks and unmarked books
and anyone looking closely could easily why and how
I was staring into the depths of the bowl.
I saw it all coming in a dream months before
It was a nightmare, it didn't mean anything, I swore
The score report came back, and I knew that number could never be uttered aloud
I felt the world was turning black, and I knew I would never make my parents proud.
My only solace was the dark pit at the bottom of the bowl.
"Lawyer, engineer, doctor, or an economist" ; these words were the soundtrack of my life
"Pick one, get a job, get married, become a wife."
I tried to follow that route, and I felt my heart break
Everytime I tried to drown the voice deep down I felt okay at first,
But then I felt fake.
I turn back and look into the depths of the bowl.
Everything keeps spinning.
Not far off in the kitchen mom is livid–her fury comes out in her silence
Her daughter has failed in every way, when her life was only beginning.
All they had asked of her was excellence
"Throw away the creativity, it will never amount to anything!
You are here to work, dreams are distractions, and life is not as good as you think it will be."
"Mom, Dad? I failed the exam. I never got into law school, and I hid the letters. I'm so sorry."
......
"Where do you think you're going without offering an explanation? Excuse me, we are not done talking here!"
"I'm sorry, I think I'm going to be sick."
"Sickness is temporary. Failure is forever. Go compose yourself, and come back when you've made the right decision."
As I crouched on the floor and stared into the depths of the toilet bowl at the aftermath, I chastised myself over and over for running away and allowing my fear to overpower me.
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This goes out to all my lovely writer friends and overall my creative friends, who tend to elicit these responses when they announce their career choices. I support you and I believe in you. One day our works will be published, our artwork will be on the walls of galleries, and maybe one day we might be recognized for it by our peers. #bebrave #LEBass #challenge
