I haven’t met you yet

Maybe I never will.

Please understand

I am awkward

And easily panicked.

You’d be the light of my life

The joy in my heart

And I know I could never give enough.

You’d learn how to run

Before I even learn to crawl.

You’d cross the finish line

Of a marathon

Before I even stand up.

I don’t think

I’d be able

To give you all you deserve.

I’m not like my mother

I wouldn’t know

What to do.

I don’t want to be a ghost

Never seen, always gone

Like a phantom fleeing dawn

You deserve more than that.

Mom and Dad

Planted the seeds of love

In my heart.

Could I plant them in yours?

But first

I must be sure

That I cultivate

The garden of my heart.

For you

There is no room for weeds.

he said i love you

and my heart faltered

not because of what he said

but because it was the first time he had ever lied to me

i knew it wasn't real

knew it wasn't true

it wasn't smart

but i said it back

it seemed fitting

like an eye for an eye

a lie for a lie

but that didn't make it right

i don't know if he really believed it

i don't know if i really meant it

or not

but meaning and believing doesn't make it true

good intentions don't mean good outcomes

good intentions don't mean telling the truth

he and i were in over our heads

but we were so scared to lose what we had

change isnt always bad

not even the majority of the time

it's always scary though

but when fear subsides different can be good

he and i didn't know that then

different was just scary

and same was safe

but same isn't always good

same can be suffocating

can be limiting

boring

but same is safe and securty is good, i guess

i love you became a habit

something said at predictable times

something constantly heard

but never felt

I waited so long

and you didn't come

I was so all alone

I was so very young

but as old as I am

I still fail to see

how my own mom

could forget about me

you didn't call me

why didn't you know?

that I would be waiting

and time goes so slow

all through the day

every time a car passed

sitting there by the window

my heart would beat fast

I'd be so disappointed

and torn with my fears

when each car wasn't you

I'd be holding back tears

it kept getting harder

every hour spent this way

but I faithfully sat there

'til the end of the day

my chest would be aching

when I finally gave up

another day wasted

more trauma to stuff

and to keep the emotion

tucked neatly inside

reminding myself

all I had was my pride

and the dignity of

an emotionless face

struggling for control

'til I reached my own space

Where I could let out

in private, the pain

squeezing out of my eyes

down my face like hot rain

I gave all my love

I gave you my best,

You stole my heart

I put trust to the test;

I was faithful, committed

You were all I could see

All your hurt and fears

You were finally free;

With  you in my arms

Time stood still,

How was I wrong

That this wasn’t so real;

You saved my life

In so many ways,

What was the purpose

It lead to malaise;

As darkness ensues

Empty and alone,

Even deeper depression

Than I’ve ever known;

Show me the reason

Explain to me why,

We were brought together

Just to say goodbye;

I’m far from perfect

I revealed my flaws,

You know in your heart

Their lies aren’t the cause;

Yes, there were variables

Challenges and druthers,

Yet the biggest of all

You listened to others;

Everything you told me

I believed it true,

Until news of him

You chose to pursue;

The greatest of hurts

Is we’ll never be,

You chose another man

Over true love, over me;

Never forget us

Everything we had,

All of their envy

They won and it’s sad.

#poetry