All the Pain I bury,

All the Suffering I carry.

All the Shame I hold,

Oh it’s made me Gold.

Oh the Loss has tarried,

And the Loss has carried,

And the Loss has made me,

But for my Cause I plea,

Make me Stronger,

Make me be Braver,

Make me Me.

Few things reach 100% success, especially in matters of the soul.

But such was your embrace.

Healing it was. With the ability to sew shut lacerations forged by fear every time.

It filled the void inside me.

Had I known yesterday’s embrace would be our last, I’d have held on till eternity.

I’d have bound myself to you and let the magic of us carry me forever.

Now you’re gone.

Deep slits are spilling my soul, which is reaching for you.

The void widens, creating a chasm inside me.

I’ve no magic. No titanium needle and thread to stitch myself together.

My soul is incomplete. Neither 100% with me nor you.

It wanders, searching for the embrace that will mend me.

But it’s gone.

I must mend myself. Again.

Loss

Is all the people I left behind

Loss

Is everyone I’ve loved who have died

Loss

Is everyone who has left me

Loss

Is all the betrayals I have suffered through

Loss

Is what makes up the worst parts of my life

Loss

Is why I’m afraid of love

Loss

Is how I know I’m human

Loss

Is how I find out I cared

Loss

Is why I lie awake at night

Lost

Is how loss makes me feel

I can see by the way you look at me

That our love is not what you see

I no longer believe your pretty lies

When I see no love held in your eyes

I would still get the moon for you

To know you wouldn’t, makes me blue

You break my heart every day

But it breaks worse to go away

I’m not strong enough to walk out the door

Knowing it would be forevermore

Your heart has moved on from me

I guess it’s time to set you free

I’ll always remember the love we shared

And cherish the times when you cared.

A baby cries. I pick him up and hold him in my arms. He nestles his head into my chest and falls asleep. I give him a kiss on his forehead. I enjoyy this moment. Even though there will be other moments like this, soon he will take his first steps and these moments will vanish forever.

Now he is a toddler. He toddles around the house very satisfied with himself. He doesn't need me to get from one place to another anymore. He wants to learn things and do things. We play skill building games together. He chases the cat who conviently perches above his reach. The whole world is a wonder to him and he allows me to see it through his eyes but he is growing and these moments will vanish forever.

He is now attending school. He likes to watch power rangers on TV and play hide and go seek. He always wants me to be it when we play tag and I chase him around the room, almost catching him but not quite. He gigles as he thinks he can actually run faster than I can while I dramatically lament not being able to tag him. I enjoy each moment because he is still growing and these moments will vanish forever.

He just entered middle school. He is really self concious. He gets embarassed easily and doesn't want to talk about stuff. I try to explain about how to talk to girls like I'm an expert even though I'm not. But still I did manage to get married and have a child so I must have done something ok. We do watch football together on TV. We go bowling and hiking and other 'guy' stuff. It's actually pretty cool. Even though he can be agrivating, I try and enjoy these moments because they will vanish forever.

He's in high school now. He has a job and a girl friend. I don't see him much these days. I have to make more of an effort to connect with him because he has a schedule now. He has responsibilities. If I don't make the effort I would never see him. But the meetings we do schedule we talk about life and jobs and sometimes even girls. I think about how grown up he's become. He's not there yet but I can see glimpses of it. I try and enjoy these moments because they will vanish forever.

Now he's off to college. The baby I once held in my arms is all grown up. I only see him now on holiday's. I remember all the moments I had with him growing up and I wish I could have them back but they have vanished forever.

Waiting

Is how I spend most of my time

Waiting

To get good news

Or even bad news

I just want something

Why will no one tell me anything?

I’m not too young

I can handle it

I deserve to know

It’s better if you give me updates

Then take me by surprise

When she is finally gone

But I can’t say any of this to you

Because I know it will hurt

So I just wait

And prepare myself

I prepare to lose yet another

I prepare to let go again

When she joined my family,

I thought it would be for a long time

I didn’t think she would leave too

And for the same reason

It’s too much

I can’t wait anymore

I need to get it over with

Can’t you see?

The cancer will get her

Just as it did my grandmother

Just as it did my friend’s mom

She can’t keep living like this

I can’t keep living like this

I don’t know if I will ever see her again

I think being sure is better

Otherwise, I convince myself it’s not true

Otherwise, I start believing everything will be okay

It won’t

She will die

Any second now

I need to stop thinking otherwise

I need to start letting go

She should already be gone

She shouldn’t be taking up so much of my time

I should be able to get her out of my head

There’s nothing I can do

I’m just me

Just a girl who can’t stop holding on

Just a girl who has lost so much

Of what her heart once contained

To a horrible beast

A horrible beast that seems unstoppable

And all I can do is sit

Sit, watch, and wait

As it tears families apart

As it rips people from my life

One

After another

Maybe someday

It will be my turn

Maybe someday

I will find myself at its mercy

And I won’t

Have to wait for news anymore

I won’t

Have to wait to suffer from the loss

It will finally rip me from the world

The same world that it has made look ugly in my eyes

And I can say goodbye to the beast

Once and for all

The empty feeling left behind,

When something is gone,

And cannot be replaced.

The time spent daydreaming,

Of a something that cannot be,

That cannot come back.

The crushed hopes and smiles,

Stolen from your inside,

The sadness of the soul.

The mourning of someone,

Who left you behind,

Someone you might never see again.

The stabbing hole in your chest,

That can never be replaced,

Not perfectly.

This is what loss means to me,

A part of me is missing,

Never to be regained.

But I will live on,

Try to fill that empty space,

With something worth living for.

When you lose someone it changes you. It doesn’t matter what that person meant to you or how close you were. When you lose somebody you lose something inside of yourself. It’s almost like every person that you lose or that leaves takes a piece of you with them and the more that it happens the more empty you become. You give away parts of yourself until eventually you have nothing left to give.

You can compare losing a friend to losing a lover

but you cannot compare losing a friend to losing a sister

or brother

or dad or mom

because when you lose a friend they're still there a little

but because you are bonded to a sister

or you're bonded to a mother

the only way to lose them

is through death

and unlike losing a friend over a fight

or a lover over the same

where you can call them up and apologize

you can't ever call your dead brother up to say

"I'm sorry I yelled cuss words at you"

to make him come back

as tears run down your cheeks

because you know that that phone call

was just as hopeless as the chances of him coming back are.

You can't call up your deceased grandmother to say

"I'm sorry I didn't like your asparagus"

to make her smile at you and say it's okay

as your face flushes

and you realize you have only imagined a phone conversation

because you never did call

when she said she missed you

and she barely saw you

and she loved you more than life itself

because she was bonded to you

with a knot that was impossible to untie;

a knot that linked you two together;

a knot that you and your brother shared;

and your sister;

and your mother;

and your father;

that could not be untied until death might untie it

because unlike a lover

you have to love your family

and it's that much harder to think of loving them

because you could lose them

because in this world we live in

our lives can be taken and broken

with the pull of a trigger

or the swing of a knife

or the swerve of a steering wheel

or the hatred of a person;

and one family is all we have

and there are plenty of fish in the sea

when it comes to losing lovers or friends

so the loss of family is the loss that hurts the most

because you know

there will never be another family like yours.

loss is what reminds us

we can feel

loss has been the only thing

i have found in all my years of life

that can break me down so far

i never fully bounce back

loss is what reminds us

how short our time is

it lets us know we can leave any second

we may never see it coming

loss is what reminds us

we are all human

we are not invisible

we are not untouchable

we are and forever will be

controlled by the world

and when it decides

our end shall be