My family does not like

the fiction that I'm living

They see me waving my hand

and as if nothing leaving

I smile my inheritance...

with the cold daylight fleeting

"I don't love you, not anymore." The words fell out of your lips, and sank with the weight they carried. Yet, all I could do was stand there. I guess a part of me knew you didn't love me. It couldn't be easy trying to love someone like me. I am stubborn, distrustful, overly-curious, and not entirely attractive. So it didn't come as a surprise, but rather disappointment.

With a final sigh, I looked back into your eyes as you searched for a sign of comprehension. I muttered the only word I could think of, "ok." Your brows furrowed behind my back, probably trying to understand why I was so calm as I walked away.

Why cant you love me, you are all that I know.

Why don't you love me when I love you so.

Why cant you be with me forever, why must you go.

Why don't you learn to be with me or is that a definite NO.

Why cant you come over, I will treat you right.

Why don't you stay over, stay all night.

Then in the morning you can decide, if you prefer to be mine or go run and hide.

Maybe I'm crazy for still wanting you, after you tell me there is no love and feel nothing inside. 

Why cant you run away with me, come take me for a spin.

Why don't you come hither to me, come within.

Let me hypnotize you with my beauty, let me put you under my spell.

For once you savor my touch, you will never rebel.

 If you don't want me then, you can go to hell.

"Just go, you're not wanted here.” she said. I felt like that was the end of me. She was really kicking me out, after all the time spent together, after all the memories. She treated me like I never meant anything to her.

"Please, listen to me!"

"I can't, I don't love you anymore..." How could she say that? All I did was say the truth and this is what happens. She told me to be honest... Well I was. Why is she doing this to me right now? I love her, doesn't she know it?

"You're lying!"

"I am not. Please go away, I don't ever want to see you again", she kept her emotionless expression, like we didn't spent our entire lives together. Has she always felt this way? Was I never loved? I felt like I was going to die right there. I saw my life flash before my eyes... it's what they say. I saw my life and every single memory included her, she was my life. But maybe I wasn't hers. If she wants me to leave, I will.

"...fine. It's okay"

It's not okay.

"I will go."

I don't want to go.

"I'll leave you alone and never come back."

Please change your mind, don't let me go.

"I'll be fine anyway."

I will not.

"I don't need you."

I'm lying... Please let me stay...

Let me stay...

I love you...

Let me stay...

"Let me stay!! You can't do this to me... Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?”

“I don’t care how you feel, you don’t belong here anymore. Don’t make a scene and please go.”

I don’t belong…?

“Where? Where am I supposed to go?”

“I don’t care… find another family” How can she say that so easily?

“This is my family, mom!”

“No, it isn’t. You’re not my daughter anymore; I can’t stand seeing you after what you’ve told me.” After her painful words, I finally let my tears flow down my face like river, hoping they would take my pain away.

They didn’t.

“Does it really matter what gender I prefer? How does the fact that I am dating the same sex change anything in our family?”

“It changes everything. This isn’t the daughter I raised, the daughter I spent my life with and definitely this isn’t the daughter I love. You are not normal. You should be ashamed. Now please leave so I can go back inside to my husband.”

“You can’t just forget you have a daughter and leave me on the streets… Mom, please, I beg you… I am the same me. The daughter you love. I haven’t changed. Just give me a chance and-“

She slammed the door. She threw me away; like I was some piece of garbage. I wasn’t her daughter anymore. Mommy, how could you do this? You didn’t really mean to say those harsh words, did you? Mommy, I am on my own. Help me. You said you’ll be there, you’ll protect me, you’ll save me but you’re the one who left me. Is there anyone who cares about me now that I am alone, without a place to stay and worse… without a family?

Without the ones who once loved me.

The conversation at dinner was painfully one sided

Almost like drawing blood from stone

but there was a look like something

needed to be said but words were not

to be found, only little jabs here and there

So in the car, on a drive to the movie

I looked at her and said,

do you know what you want to see yet?

And the response was - Why is it always me

that has to pick everything??

I pulled the car over with care into an empty lot

and put the car in park. I turned to her and said

"there is no need for that - it's like you have been

trying to pick a figh all night..."

and that started her staring out the window

"Are you trying to break up with me?"

"maybe...yes"

"if this isn't working then this isn't working...

but you shouldn't have told me you loved me back

when I told you how I felt..."

"I don't think I ever loved you..."

and then the tears came...

That hurt, but I knew she wasn't being mean,

she just didn't know how to be true with her feelings.

I could have been a dick, but being who I am...

"I'm not like other guys, I'm open and honest...

and now, I think you just learned to be that way too..."

"why are you being so nice to me, you are making this worse..."

"it's the only way I know how to be...don't get me wrong,

I'm dissapointed...but I would rather live with the truth than a lie..

especially about the way you feel towards me"

And I drove her home for the last time, letting her off of the hook

because when we haven't learned to be honest with ourselves,

especially about our feelings, it can be the hardest lessons

to learn when you do...

He chose her. I poured out my soul out to him, and he said he would think about. But, today, his relationship status on Facebook changed to taken. He chose her. He took my heart and presented it her as if it was his own. He took my love and ran with it. This is what I get for being with a married man. It doesn't matter how I play my cards, it always ends with me losing. Now, it isn't just me he screwed over either. The test came back positive. The family I had dreamed of giving my child has been splintered. Well, I am enough. I am worth more than he could ever give me. I'll just have to prepare for the questions and sugarcoat that sometimes life isn't what you expected.

A simple goodbye might have sufficed

Bitter tears from her cheeks flowed down

Can a broken heart ever hope to mend?

Dreamt though the heart of a clown

Everyone knows their breaking point

From the depths of deep despair

"Goodbye forever" was all that was said

Hearts broken... without a care

Inside that broken heart

Just when all hope is gone

Keeping time like an ancient clock

Love lives but not for long

Never is a very long time

Only those with broken-hearts know

Who place their hopes in unfulfilled dreams

Quietly pacing too and fro

Reality quickly shatters those dreams

Shut out by hearts that are scarred

This pattern is too often repeated

Undone by broken hearts now marred

Verily I say to you

Whatever a heart might tell

When love has gone forever

Only then does a heart know hell

(c) BAM

My five year old eyes would well up, swell up and then dry up every summer when my father would send me back home. He had a new family that demanded first place, and he could only afford one. I'd be sent back home to Mom, who had a new boyfriend who demanded her thrown. She too could only afford one master chair.

My fiften year old eyes held tears for no one, most certainly not myself. I knew then like I know now that I am unloveable. Mediocre in every respect, even on my best days.

So today, when you stand in front of me for what might be the twentieth time, to change your mind from "I love you so much" to "I don't think I love you at all" - I smile. There's no blade sharp enough for my heart anymore, because I've loved you so fully with every ounce of my body that I've crumbled away into tiny untouchable pieces.

I know you don't believe me, but I'll say it all over again. "It's okay baby, I know it's confusing. I know we are young, and you aren't ready. I get that. But I love you, and it's really the only thing I know how to do well. It's the only thing I've ever been good at. So I'll continue loving you, wherever you need to go." I let go of your hand slowly, and move my own hands up to your face. I just want to cradle your cheeks another time, and give you another last kiss. "Whoever you are interested in this time, better be really sweet to you." I say outloud. Wishing you the best as I always have.

"She seems really great... But I still want to grow old with you." Those deep brown eyes of yours told me this with every goodbye, and tied my feet in place every time. You'd be back, and I'd be waiting. We both knew it. And just like every other time, when you come back it'll be because someone hurt you and your heart will ache for my softness. I'll reach out and you'll look right into my centre and say again "I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you".

Don't worry though, I won't believe you. I think, for me, it's easier to accept that you'd never love me than it is to accept that you ever could. Not just because this is our recurring meet up, but because it's what I know best. There's always so many people around to love, and only so much love to give - so I have learned to keep none for myself.

Instead, I forever put myself in a warm rain, standing alone; loving you so deeply that you'll return and we'll do this like groundhog day. My heart is not mine, it is yours. And I'll crumble with or without you.

You heard me. I never needed your acceptance to confirm my feelings. I love you despite your unkind narcissism. Your 2000+ selfies will feed your bones and tendons like glass and lead pipe. I will love you in my freedom and ruthless desire to be happy. Flowers grow in my path. Walk your way, if it pleases you. I will carry my love for you till I die without harvesting one regret.