Tango of shame

I am to blame

words carving

life slot starving

magic pluck

no such luck

dipping into soft jar

weary hand from afar

widen the road

madness unload

stomp into ground

solution not found

naked words

hushed birds

molten breath

sudden death

skeletons strung

clotheslines flung

slice the wind

cover sin

tense echoes

lined in rows

no elbow room

certain doom

long reach

I beseech

infinite sky

let words fly

unhinge the strings

free thought rings.

Most people say they shoot for the stars and dream in the clouds.  I'm tethered to the ground, bent over a well, straining for the specks that drift below in the dark mud water.  Dreams don't send you high, they don't take you to dizzying heights of ecstasy.  Not mine.  It's dangling your arms over the barrier, contemplating if what you want is worth falling head-first into the unknown.  

Because you know that those muddy specks in the well are not stars, and you could very well break your neck for a puddle.

Walk with me

     So I walked beside him

Laugh with me

     So I made a joke and laughed with him

Smell the flowers with me

     So I picked a tulip and enjoyed its' scent with him

Jog with me

     So I put on my running shoes and paced myself with him

Cry with me

     So tears fell silently from my chocolate orbs

Please hug me

     So I embraced him

Tell me I am not broken

     So I caressed his face and show him his strength

Tell me a lie

     So I held his hand and told him a truth

Will you sit with me

     So I sat with him from morning to darkness

Inspire me

     So we climbed a mountain and made it to the top

Show me love

     So I showed him an elderly couple on a romantic date

Kiss me

     So I kissed him softly on his cheek

Lay with me

     So I laid my head on his chest

Sleep with me

     So I fell into a deep slumber beside him

I have to leave

     Please don't go

Time is up

     Please, not yet

I will see you soon

     Please don't forget me

I could never...

     Please...

You have to let me go

     But, I can't

Do you love me

     Since the day my heart beat changed its' rhythm 

Move on...Live for me

     How do I live without your presence on this earth

I'll always be with you

     Don't...Don't go

The light is shining

     Stay...

Kiss me

     So I kissed him with so much passion

I will see you again

     Goodbye, my love.

If the universe

conspire

that we meet,

No storm

nor malice

shall stop us

until we greet

with smiles, 

till eyes are shining.

The years apart

shall vanish

like waves

declining,

burned

by the touch

of our feet.

In dark my heart

 Two pieces

Onyx

 Talc

Softly slicing

Sharply powdering

Fighting

 Crushing

Talc can't touch the onyx

 Onyx can't crush the talc

Inside       bleeding

Broken    aorta

Some hearts can't contain two pieces

Sometimes I think

My heart can't

Either

      xo          ox

  Glitter    Glow

Pretty Luv Falters

  Take my heart

    In my hand

      Slivers in

         hand

           O

August 7th. That would have been his fifteenth birthday. 

Honestly at this point, I don't know how to feel. I've been living day by day, fearing dates on the calendar.. August 7th, March 6th... when I hear his name a bolt of yellow lightning hits my chest and I can't breathe. I can't cry either. I don't cry. I'm past that point.

I'm at the point where I'm wondering how this whole thing started. Social studies class, 7th grade... months ago I revisited that classroom and the memories hit me like a speeding bus. When I looked over to the seat he used to sit in and saw a girl sitting there, I was overwhelmed with anger. How dare she sit where he had sat? He... someone I thought I loved....

...did I love him? Was I capable of love at age 12, age 13? The feelings were present, but when he died something inside me died. The world seemed virtually black and white to me, without his blue-gray aura and his yellow name, his bright yellow name. That bolt of lightning. 

And how the hell have I healed? Seeing the school guidance counselor after saying something about suicidal thoughts I had in 8th grade, telling her I overreacted and it was nothing to worry about? Then seeing the school psychiatrist and saying cryptically "I wasn't ready to tell her everything yet"? Have I repressed these feelings of pain only to be met by a deluge of hurt, of destruction, of unreturned love? 

God. And the worst part is, we were hardly friends. After that magical seventh grade year, I wrote him a note telling him I liked him or some shit and he didn't talk to me again. Some stupid, basic tragic love story. He never loved me. He died. March. 6th. 2016. 

And it still. 

Hurts.

I've been holding on to this fear and the denial of it for too long.  It is about time that I let it go and that I no longer hold it so close to my heart.  It may be impossible, but if it is I will not let it hold me back from a different future.  I shall let it fuel me, if this goal is the one I will not meet in my life I will choose another. I will not be consumed by the darkness that the fear of failure brings down on me.  As they say when one door closes another opens. I am not there yet, but if it comes down to it I think I have learned how I will let it go.  I know it will not be easy for me, but I know it is possible.  To let it go and move on to a future different from what I pictured before.  Something different for me to find fulfillment from.  A new dream.  

Faith still stands

Proud,

Unwavering,

Like the blackness of the armpits

Defying skin lightening creams

I will unleash a world of words and reword the world with them! A catachrestic cataract; an un-cresting crescendo. I will tell Tellurion tales with untempered temerity. I will loose lexicon long mouldering in their morbid mortuaries we call ‘libraries’; braid them into a symphony of canaries and free them from Granny’s cagey cages! And when they fly bright-streamed out from betwixt those death-still colonnades that screen that cloistered entrance to that whelm of silence, under dreary gray skies, I’ll breath upon those bullying, brooding, frowning, moody clouds and sweep a cheery blue sky for my cheerily chirping emancipated friends - with my bumptious bumpkin broom- a sky in keeping with their cheerful color.

I will paint ‘Azure’ blue again; though dastardly poets, who I mischievously (not maliciously) mock in my ‘A Poet's Mock’, divested it, robbed it; mutilated and whitewashed my blue - azure blue! Our breathless, Azoic azure! I will beg Misty for some magic dust from her powder blue eyes and distill into the hollow of that word! Oh but that I had her power! She but blinks and the powder blue of her eyes suffuses the sky…she dusts the sky with them! And the Ocean envies (thus explains its rangeless wrath and writhing.)

I will revive and revivify the vagabond vagaries; the obscure misfits and esoteric euphonies. To embark! A herald of coloring hues for a new Ethos, yet I will nurture the nascent nebula of the hazily perceived but imponderably unspeakable and as yet incommunicable. A champion to hew into starkest relief out of our always birthing ponderings, the chanting hieroglyphs in the cavernous caves of our cavernous musings.