you've always been a cocoon to me

and I know it's foolish

to wrap one's self up in

another with broken wings

but the way your feathers felt

all around me

wasn't something I could sacrifice

for safety

how could I have known

your barbed wire underbelly

would swallow me whole

with angry words and broken promises

how could I have known

butterflies don't emerge

from the talons of a sparrow

no matter how soft

the killer sings

How I hate you. You creep in at every stopped moment. You infect me with the tiredness of routine. Because of you, I desperately yearn for a change. With every day the same, I crave adventure. With you in my head, I no longer care. Until schedule breaks and I am given the bravery of rebellion, I know it will not change. So let me find the day. A day free of this retched boredom.

You may believe that you are closed off

A wheel that cannot be broken

Nor rebound the call of the waves in its hallow conches

But until you wallow in your own darkest desires

Yet still spend each day standing like a mountain

You do not know closed off

Until you weep your nights in pain, for the one who has forgotten your name,

But still to then you act okay

And smile and pretend everything is the same

You do not know closed off

Until you have to fight each day and night to be yourself

No one else

And beat away those who pry

You do not know closed off

Until you watch each and everyone you love slowly dir, on the inside and the out,

You do not know closed off

Until you want to raise your hands in the air and scream and shout and throw all you shit about !

You do not know closed off

Until you watch your own life slipping down the drain,

Stained with blood from all your pain,

You do not know closed off.

Until each time you look into his eyes, and see only lies,

You do not know closed off

Until each breath you take is filled with longing,

You do not know closed off

Until you look at the sky,

And see no stars,

Only the pattern of his face,

You do not know closed off

Until you can stand in a crowded hall

And think only of when you'll catch a gilmps of him

You do not know closed off

Until each beat of your heart hurts from the weight of simply being alive,

You do not know closed off

Until the pages of your book have turned blank before your eyes,

And every word you write is a black blob,

You do not know closed off

Until you spend each day as the best friend of the boy you love,

But never getting closer

Because he's already checked you off his list

You do not know closed off

Until you sit beside the highway at 2 am. Full of despare and only wishing to be alone and loose yourself,

You do not know closed off

Until you spend each night lying awake until 2am and toss and turn until finally drifting off to the haunt of a broken smile,

You do not know closed off

Until each moment you wait for him

And until when your alone your mind thinks only of him

And until your sleepless nights are plaguing you days

And until you sitting on the kitchen floor music loud enough for your ears to bleed

And until your throwing things across the room, tears streaming down your face

Until you curl up in a ball, trying to cover the whole in the middle of you that they used to fill,

You do not know closed off

And you sure as hell don't know me

Pain. My life has had several kinds of pain. There was the pain as a child, the kind of pain that came from a paper cut or scraping my knee. Then there was the pain of abandonment, from my father, my grandparents, and at times, my older brothers. Then there was the pain of my first love. I gave my heart to the wrong person, who didn't ask for it, who didn't want it, and who definitely didn't handle it with care.

There was the physical pain of self harm. But even worse was the emotional pain that came from cutting myself. In the last six months, I've experienced pain unlike anything I had known before. I've experienced the pain of loving someone and having their parent constantly try to trash that. I've experienced the pain of my first loved one passing away. I've experienced the constant pain of not having closure about that death and the pain of having to watch as their spouse continues to disrespect them, even in death. I've experienced the pain of watching someone I loved change before me and cave into their controlling and narcissistic mother.

I've experienced the pain of losing a relationship with the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I've experienced the pain of mourning that relationship. I've experienced the pain of trying to move on in a small town. I've experienced the pain of seeing an ex move on, which hurts, even if you're not together anymore.

Pain is no stranger to me. I've known pain well, but still not as well as some.

I remember you begging me not to do it, promising how things would be okay. You told me to think about my brother, who depends on me, my family and my friends. You asked me why would I want to do something so selfish. You made me promise, as you cleaned up the blood and began to wrap my wounds, to not do it. Seeing the hurt and desperation in your eyes, I agreed. But things have changed. My heart is broken, there's a constant war raging within my own head, my soul has grown numb, and you're not here. You left me here, all alone, in this hell of a nightmare. You're in Heaven, so why can't I join you? I want peace, too. So with these colorful, magical pills and this blade, I will soon see you in Heaven. Make sure to save me a seat, now.

There are tiny little white pests in my chest

feeding on my decomposing flesh

I fall apart when I think of you.

I taste liquid iron on my tongue

coughing up memories that only make

the maggots eat away at my heart.

It's beyond compare; irreplaceable!

they crawl in and out my heart, chewing away

at whatever I have left because love has already gone.

Guess you enjoy picking the scabs off old wounds so callously

Just when I though we had a chance to repair the damage that she did to us, you have made me a fool of love again

Why did you come back to me after all these weeks, while I languish in your waiting room for one last chance?

So like a starving cur I thought myself gushing at the chance to win your favor again

Why did you seduce me? Did you feel sorry for me out of pity?

Did you feel were giving to some kind of fuzzy feel good sexual charity, to help out a poor fool in a troubled marriage?

Now you will be the one in my waiting room