As the leaves fell,

She fell, too.

Slowly, progressively faster,

Until she was falling at full speed

With her feet racing

To catch up to her heart.

In this moment I am barely breathing, barely standing, barely awake…

In this moment, I have found my pillow, my blanket, my bed…

In this moment I go to sleep, for only a few hours, then I wake up and struggle through night 3 of my15 hr shifts at the hospital. 15 long and high stress hours where I will have to be in 16 places at once, maintaining the quality and comfort of lives that I am responsible for.

At this moment, I am spent.

I get ready to pick up my boys

5 and 9

Who deserve to see their father every day

But can't

So I will make this one count

And every other day we get to be together

I feel like I'm drowning.

I feel alone.

Sleep wants to consume me,

And I want to let it.

But days must go on because life must go on.

I feel empty.

What will the future hold for me?

I feel disappointed.

When will the clouds drop happiness?

When?

I'm scared of what the future holds. Afraid of both success and failure. I know I need to just get over it, look forward to every opportunity I have, be grateful for everything that's going well in my life. And I am. But at the same time, I'm anxious. I'm scared that I could be the luckiest girl in the world, and still be unhappy. Because maybe I don't know how to be happy. Maybe I have everything a person could ever want in life, and it still isn't enough. Not because it's not good, but because I don't know how to be satisfied. I'm afraid of myself getting in the way of my life.

everything is settling back into place

rainfall and falling back into the swing of things

I'm not who I used to be but maybe this girl will be better

maybe this year will be better

once I relearn how to exhale

stepping out from the booth and back onstage

it's so familiar to me to be anything but myself

I feel an endless blackness spreading,

Lack of light you betray my fears;

Out of sight, out of mind.

Pulled down by the lost dreams of others,

Terrible communication gone worse;

Tomorrow is burning away.

The only one who's bleeding in the past's repeating,

I pray for a miracle if I can't win,

Carry on.

My darkness is your light,

You complete this feeling.

All of the things I need are burning away.

Falling like sand through my fingers.