When navigating the rocky road laid down by Life, I am of the belief that if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. That is why, since 1980, I’ve been making and following through with the same New Year’s resolution: Set the bar low. I mean low low. Something just above a subterranean level. A bar which requires little if any effort to clear. I’m talking about an imperceivable elevation that wouldn’t disrupt the cadence of a millipede.

Example #1. I’ve heard numerous motivational speeches encouraging me to “shoot for the stars.” But considering the nearest star is the Sun at a mere 93 frickin’ million miles away and, oh, in case you were unaware, is extremely hot, I fail to see the benefit of even trying to shoot for that yellow globe of death. Icarus didn’t have a positive outcome, who am I to think my attempt would differ? History and science shows that the risk far outweighs any reward.

Instead, I shoot for the refrigerator. My fridge never fails to provide, even despite me not venturing out for groceries in nine days. It’s well within manageable walking distance from anywhere in my house. There’s no bouncer. No cover charge or secret password is required to gain entry. It is at my beckon call. The fridge welcomes my visits, whether a quick one to grab a yogurt as I’m about to leave for work in a suit and tie or one involving me standing there for a prolonged stretch of time with my robe open, clad in tattered underwear and mismatched socks while rescanning the interior for a third time looking for the hardboiled egg that I’m sure I saw earlier this week. It complements the freezer above. And most importantly, it doesn’t discriminate based on a food’s race, creed or religion. The fridge keeps all the contents at a constant 36 degrees.

Example #2. I shoot for something that’s physically impossible to miss. For the past four and half decades. I have made a conscientious decision to avoid using the word “festooned” in daily conversations. So once again, I’m destined to crush this goal. Heck, only 28 days into 2025 and I’m already chalking this one up as a win.

By selecting such a generalized resolution every December 31st, I ensure my successful win streak remains intact. I’ll skate through the next eleven months with no concern for failure. My chest swells with pride knowing I won’t be among the staggering 80% of the population who don’t keep their resolutions beyond February.

I am already looking forward to 2026.

Oh its the little things I plan to change.

For better or worse, better I hope.

I truly do want to get more excorcise, 5000 steps a day is the goal they say.

Ive managed to loose 120 lbs since 2023, I still but my goal isnt there yet so I'm working towards that.

I love paranormal stuff and investigation, but not this phony stuff going around.

Also I enjoy thriller movies, but hate gore. I really enjoyed the Pennydreadful sieries and the American Horror Storries so I intend to find more exciting stories.

Its just those little things you gotta enjoy, like you know,

Death.

Writing Fanfiction: I feel like that's a given, i've been writing fanfics since I was 9 or 10. Would be nice if I could write more original works tho

Baking: It's fun, and when I bring desserts back to college with me, my friends love me. Plus it's a good stress relief, and overall helpful skill

Changing my fashion style on a whim: some days I'm very goth, other days I'm wearing pastels, or just casual wear. I can't chose one style, and I won't try to.

Minimal exercise: I go on walks when it's warmer. that's it I think

Loving horror stuff, especially cannibal sub genre stuff: okay, i've always loved horror, and Hannibal (TV) changed my brain chemisty. If you want cannibal themed content (like games, movies or songs) i'm the one to ask. be warned, there is a chance it will be fruity

I know there's more, probably some more serious ones, but I don't feel like being serious with this. The years barely begun, so if I change, there's a lot of time still.

I refuse to make any resolutions. Just like I felt last Lent. I live for Fat Tuesdays and the status quo. I collect the beads thrown from balconies, with fond memories of breasts nipp(l)y.

I ride the annual protractor along the Earth's orbit, revolving but unresolved. My seasons, unevolved, pass unabsolved. Because absolved, as X solves for Y, is for suckers.

And when I die, I will have outlived many who have labored against their yearly resolutions. That's my solution.