falling through nightmares

like draining flower petals

through spiderweb fingers

spiraling into the cosmos

weak and unforgiving

mouth open in silence

eyelashes plucked piece by piece

skin slipping off like dust

clattering remains tumbling through open space

void

then, wind burns your ears

teeth fitted back into place with a needle and thread

darkness under your tongue and between your eyes

falling

avoiding the lampshade

timing the seconds with the sand sliding off your skin

rewinding

all candles burn blue underneath

and the void consumes it:

every last color and every last word.

who i was

is slipping through the void

like a silk dress

gliding across wood floors

at midnight

stained pink by the washed out blood

of expectations

ghosts of who i used to be

fleeting glimpses fading from reality

the darkness of my memory

shutting out who i used to be

rewriting my memories to fit

who i am.

who i am

is dancing in the void

thankful for the darkness

that shrouds me,

my last defense

against the discomforts

of reality

that i am tired of being forced

to acknowledge.

i am prepared to lose myself

in the delusion

rather than facing

who i will be.

who i will be

is crawling out of the void

blinking away the sunlight from my eyes

and staring into pale blue skies,

reveling in my newfound freedom

the oasis

that i am holding myself back from.

i will escape

the void

eventually

but for now

i'm still

slipping through the void

waiting for it to spit me out

into the light at the end

of the tunnel.

she could see the rainbow in the veins of her hands, the trees breathing out heavily the mistakes of our civilization. he had a bad trip in the dark and thought of every bad thing he'd ever done. what is it called when we want to be one with the universe while separating from reality, is it an elimination of individuality?

sometimes slipping through the void looks like ordering at Starbucks, having a panic attack when it's your turn. there are so many choices on a menu with seemingly limitless options, which one will bring you the most satisfaction? you're in the Matrix of this very moment, isn't it funny how it all just comes down to just one choice? panic ordering at the last second, being disappointed by not surprised by your failure to be neurotypical, normal.

I'm the kind of person who gets confused at the car wash. I insert my card. what exactly am I expecting? exactly. the void looks like the inside, massive cleaning machines and supplies. anyone can get lost in basic situations that turn sour when you realize you don't know how to move forward. you're supposed to be in neutral but you're in drive, the panic seething, lurching like the bundle of parts underneath you carrying you into an uncertain future, demise.

I can't do anything. Not as I watch my memories, slowly, slowly, slowly slipping into the void.

I watch helplessly as a memory of my daughter starts to dissolve into the whirlwind of black. I can see her sweet smile, lighting up the room. She holds her teddy bear and- What was I talking about?

Another memory slowly goes. And then another. And another. Each dissolving in a flurry of color and forgotten love. Until...

who am I?

Let me think for just a moment

where I left my last regret

Where my hopelessness and woe went

slipping through the void

Rain had brought the moon's reflections

shimmering streets and sidewalks wet

Obscuring all my misconceptions

hopelessly annoyed

She was crying on the corner

high-heel shoes and dressed in style

A black chemise and skirt won't warm her

standing in the cold

At 3 a.m. I kept my distance

lest she think me something vile

Take the path of least resistance

across the street I strolled

Pennants rode a breeze behind her

dancing with her silhouette

Images she sees remind her

of something life destroyed

Kindness crept into my conscience

thinking thoughts I might regret

Sympathy wept noble nonsense--

valiance in the void

I took a step in her direction

a step into the void

My mind was met with one exception

her solitude I'm robbing

The step I crept withdrew because

my sympathies deployed

From tears she wept I saw this was

no ordinary sobbing

She didn't fall onto her knees

She'd lost her will to stand

Her strength had all but disappeared

Like tears into the rain

Silent wailing struck me deep

I'd felt those trembling hands

Those memories which made me weep

were taking hold again

I found the curb and sat there staring

trying to catch my breath

No words will ease the pain of sharing

sorrows we enjoyed

And though I knew, I couldn't warn her

I knew until her death

The day I stood on that same corner

and wept into the void

Does the vulture only get its next meal by waiting for something to die?

For something to die, is the opportunity of life itself

And without life itself, death cannot be

Nor death cannot be without life

Without life, is death any different than the fallen tree that no one hears?

Perhaps life was taken for our universe to be born

But we weren’t born on this Earth to answer those questions

So when the Earth is consumed by the black hole,

Would anything be able to hear us?

Life becomes untethered

at the point in meditation

when the observance of the observer

dissolves into closed-eyed blackness

and the feeling of breath marks time

swelling the void with life.

The sensation of wholeness

and marked improvement of mood

defeats anxiety

by noticing nothing is happening

and it becomes numb comfort

to not have to be anything at all.

Then the eyes reopen, light floods them again

and the blackness of reality is quickly shocked away

bringing to mind the question, "what does it all mean"?

The difference between shape and sound and thought

are not to be examined so closely

and all meaning dies.

And so untethered, slipping into the void

past all comprehension

and the only thing to notice is the tingle

of some mental satisfaction

rest of some description

brought abruptly to an end

this temporary peace

practicing being dead

with nothing else beyond that

a being made of dirt

pretending to be dirt again.

I smile so others may smile.

I laugh so that others may feel joy.

I kill myself so that no other may feel the pain I feel.

This darkness is ever-growing. Ever-consuming, I try to ignore it, but it screams for me. I will always be here; you will always have me here.

Clawing my brain.

burning my soul

killing my will.

I give them everything.

I shoulder their burdens. I listen to their problems. I comfort them so that they never feel alone.

But what do I do when I am alone? Who is there to shoulder my burdens? I'd gladly hold the world up for them, but would they do that for me?

What do I do when the world is too much? What do I do when my mind torments me? Making me think of everything I don't what to know.

The tears are flowing down my face now, the thoughts coming faster and louder. I want to bash my head in so it stops. I want everything to quiet down. I want to feel normal!

I'm so tired now. Tired of it all.

When this darkness fully consumes me, when I'm alone when I'm stretched thin.

Who is there? Who will hold me? Who will comfort me when everything is dark?

When the voices win? When life drags me to the seventh layer of hell? When I wish to see the wall painted with my blood?

Who would care to stop me?

Fallin', tripping, and flying,

Trying to get a grip on reality,

As you fall into a swirling blue portal

The mind starts spiralling,

As flowers engulf your vision

Sensation hits your body like water,

Tapping the beach on the shoulder

Not an utterance of discontentment,

Just crashing into nirvana

Then the ground appears

As if it was always there,

Your vision clears but there's a filter,

Like you are dreaming,

Seeing turquoise fields and every species of tree,

As you walk around slowly,

Touching and breathing in everything

Fruits don't have any bruises,

The snapdragons smell delicious

Your senses are hazy but still working,

It occurs to you that this is like Eden,

But a tad different,

There's an artificial element,

You are here but you don't exist

A mirage, a faultless illusion,

Kingdoms built from delusion,

Of a perfect experience,

An idea plucked from your head,

Plop! An orange falls onto you,

Breaking the rumination,

Whilst you let paradise consume your existence,

Stepping away as you let go of your suspicion,

Your body lays on the ground

Broken beneath the apple tree of an orchard

Forever sleeping, living in a dreamland.

I'm barely alive enough to tell you what I think; how I feel; what I want. I can't keep going on like this, and yet I can't just stay where I am either. How can I save myself from myself; eternally struggling and conditioned to cope. But what of a solution? Where am I throughout all the wars I wage inside me. Do I have any opinions? I don't care to. But the world screams at me: YOU MUST EXIST! How come? Why can't I stay on the perimeter in reflection and solitude? Why must I be a part of something so confusing? Is it because society is the genome of ME, and so, take part I do, in spite of disinterest. What shall I do? I have no one to put this question toward. No one knows what to do. I'm not hopeful and that's not tragic. Tragedy is the way I live. I watch Netflix all evening after getting home from a job which pays for my attention. So to what do I still have energy to attend to when there's no insensitive? I sip on escape techniques called booze and I tranquilize myself with plants. The dishes pile, the laundry ranks, and my dogs don't get to go outside again because... I'm the problem. I'm sad and tired and keep it all buried deep under bed sheets and exaggerated portion sizes of food. Call it depression, anxiety, fear, weakness, selfishness, none of the above, or an amalgamation of it all. I feel full all the time, and I can't find a space empty enough to unburden my sorrow. No one wants to hear me cry. My whaling reminds them of reality. I wont let them listen anyway. I'm slipping wildly through the void of Life like everyone else, and I don't know what to do about it.