Panic

and the mind dies

or

Under static pressure

resist the urge

to crack

Pressed beyond kinetic stress

refuse to diffuse back

to nothingness

To be is to desire to be?

No.

To be is to be.

I desire to be

electrified,

alive and wired,

Lightning mind!

Still,

Rebirth

relies on stillness.

I rely on pure potential energy

Reality flips the switch

And truth tears through

nerves like arteries,

only: Wisdom

rushes in like oxygen

Trust enlivened mind

for the love of Guru

Hear her hum? The words

like blood

The thrumming heart

and pumping lungs

the cry that builds

from stillness

and only this

Full-blown mind

bursts forth

A hero sworn,

not by battle horn

to be,

but to be,

nonetheless

To be

is not the choice

The choice is peace

Photo by Sunguk Kim on Unsplash

#Peace #Meditation #StreamofConsciousness #Mind

I desire to honor and recognize those who support me on my creative journey, so I fashioned up a little article in my project's world page. I truly, sincerely thank each and every person who has showed me support monetarily, verbally, and even by reading my works. Words cannot express how grateful I am. The Outstanding Operative award is canon in the Secret Agent Someone universe. I wanted my paying supporters to become agents in-world, so I figured, what better to do than put them in the WILLOWISP wall of fame?

https://www.worldanvil.com/w/secret-agent-someone/a/outstanding-operatives

If you're already a supporter, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! <3 If you would like to become one, simply follow my world! Or, if you desire to do a bit more, check out my website's support page which features all the different ways you can donate. Absolutely anything given is greatly appreciated. <3

https://www.thepeculiarjeweler.com/support

There are lots of updates and fun things to come, but, realistically, it can be a strain on my pocketbook. Still, more wonderful content is coming, so stay tuned for it!!! If you can help to make it possible, I will be forever grateful. God bless, and I love you all immensely.

You ever try to comprehend anything before coffee and 7am? Fight Club said we work to buy our useless shit, rinse, and repeat. She said she was worried about me. Maybe we’re all just in a simulation. Somewhere I am someone who doesn’t lose. One day, every star will go out in the universe. One star will be the last to light the darkness. That’s what keeps me going. The thought that one celestial being will be a random torch to life, remaining until it doesn’t.

it wasn’t my intention to sleep through another morning/day/weekend/opportunity. i feel terrible heading into monday. again. maybe it’s always been this way.

scratch that, start again.

it wasn’t my intention to sleep through another…

*eye twitch*

*the pages are empty*

i have a list of goals for the year, pinned in the corner of the whiteboard above my desk with small square magnets. i thought that, maybe, some focus would stop the muffled taunts in my head.

+sulfur+

i’ve come a long way. you could say that i have absolutely nothing to worry or complain about anymore. that’s true in some ways. but in all the ways that matter, i’m a complete mess.

i’ve prayed a few times in my life. in 2011, to get on a graduate scheme. at airports. drunk and alone on an abandoned plot of land at 3am. i think they are turning that land into offices now.

i don’t drink anymore. it’s been 103 days.

my asks were ‘small’, and generally, granted. get the job. don’t die in a plane crash. other things i’d rather not go into.

recently i woke up dead. again.

in the background i can hear sparse, slowed piano keys__-___—_

the constant headaches make me go cross-eyed.

i’ve been on my own my whole life. even when i’ve been with others. i can never relax.

xx

i think i’ll give it another go. i’m really not sure how many more goes i have left in me. 1 more at least. for old times’ sake.

i’ll summon something from within, instead of spinning the wheel with an unknown entity.

if/when you pray, don’t make it about you all the time. it’s best to not ask for selfish things from something you can’t see or understand.

there’s a price. and you always pay. 1 way or another.

always.

I am this candle,

and I am burning myself

at both ends.

I am allowing the consumption of me by everyone else,

so I don't consume myself.

My wax is stubborn and resistant,

My flame is self igniting,

And rises theatrically and comically,

Again and again, like one of those joke candles that cannot be put out by rain or wind or exhaustion or insurmountable odds,

But rises furiously to claim the bait it is taunted by, the means to its end just out of comprehensive reach.

My limits are tangled and tattered and still yet, undivisable,

unquenchable, this thirst for the dissolution of my waning wax.

I respect these flames and know their power intentionally means no harm.

It is just doing what fire does,

and I am melting for it like the wax that I am.

Until one day I realize that I am formless until I choose to exercise my power over the fire,

and form myself beneath its beholden command.

You: "Get something off your chest."

Me: *pulls squid/octopus off my chest like that one Spongebob episode where that happens*

That has been on my mind, just getting it off my chest. So, anyway...

It would be nice if I could get my crush off my mind. He's living in my head rent free, and it's nice sometimes but becoming frustrating. All I want to do is be around him and talk to him and get to know him. I haven't crushed on a guy this strongly in a long time, and I'm concerned it's unhealthy. The good is that I'm more on top of washing my clothes and bathing and taking care of my hygiene because I want to be clean and smell nice knowing I'll get to see him.

The bad is that it's another thing that is negatively affecting my spiritual life, and I don't really feel ready to give it up yet. There's other factors involved like how I'm choosing not to read my Bible or pray or anything, and I just, haven't had the energy for it and I have had very little desire for it, and I'm not trying to grow that desire. I have not wanted to try and be more like Christ, and if I have, I have no strength to keep going. I think I can see the hardness that is in my heart, but I am too weak to try and fight it, and I know I'm playing a dangerous game with my soul. I'm playing with the souls of others.

So yeah. That's something I wanted to get off my chest.

These invulnerable thoughts drift aimlessly

i have yet to drain myself of them.

Their receding tide pulls at my heart,

tightly encompassing the small garden that resides within me.

i am quickly inundated.

Now cold bones break from under dead skin, memories have been wiped clean.

the corpse of a once pained being is left to wander

a pale afterlife

I am all gold, flowing.

though not unsinkable, my legs seep into bark.

my body engulfed in stone and dirt.

Iam all gold, flowing.

one with the earth and her jadedness.

I now lay and kiss raw ground, and relish

in this blissful wake.

Flowers lace and choke in my throat.

vines entranced by the layers of my heart,

so obliviously enthralled they become lost in themselves

The warm blood pumps and oozes around them,

in the thicket of a buried garden

pooling at the bottom of my lungs.

Purple is my favorite color.

If I could wear it everyday for the rest of my life, I would.

I’d wake up in my purple robe, make breakfast for you, and your sleepy eyes.

I’d go and pick the duck eggs in Sulli backyard and tell you of all the adventures when we were young and naive -

Oceans away from where we are now.

How we went to the Vatican and nearly got trampled by the pious pilgrims from around the world. How even when I was scared I was in awe of how many religious people it took to make something holy.

That if I died right here, I’d still be happy, because what will come the next day but my own soul finding relief from a world burdened by its failings?

But today there is no dying. There is no quest for something holier. I’ve found redemption in your lips, awe in your eyes, and a sacredness in your arms.

If this is what it means to be love and give it truly whole to someone else, then this is what I was born for.

Maybe mishandled along the way, but finally home- first having found it for myself then having enough strength to have someone else join me.

And what is more holier that that?

In-laws, out-laws seem the same. My monster-in-law has chosen not to spend anytime with our little family of 4 for the last 2.5 years. Yes partly because of Covid-1, partly because my husband works in a large retail store. In the beginning we were really cautious about everything to the point we even put our outside help in hold. My husband worked and I took care of our 2 kids with multiple disabilities And did virtual schooling for 1 of our kids. Even though we were not around anyone else my in-laws, spoken from my mother-in-law’s mouth, she wasn’t coming around because her son, my husband, worked in the large retail. My parents are both gone. My mom passed away 10 years ago this October and my dad’s been gone 5 years ago yesterday. This Lack of contact has made holidays & birthdays interesting and hard. When you have kids with disabilities holidays can be hard anyway. But now factor in the fact that there’s no family. Our kids miss out on so much, so many experiences, and so much family. So fast forward many months to 2 weeks ago, my in-laws have guests from out of state staying at their home spending 4 days with them. We live maybe 20 minutes from them. Then comes this weekend and they plan to have a house full of people for Easter. But guess who they never even asked? Me and the kids were home like every other day of the year. My husband worked all day like he does routinely weekly. Am I bitter? Maybe. Do I now want to chat with her right now? Definitely not. does she ever think she says or does anything wrong? Never. I’ve always said the people that are closest to you, you expect more from Those are the ones that knock the wind out of your sail. Strangers don’t have that power. Yet we give those closest that power. If you’re a lucky one that have marvelous in-laws you can count your blessings.

I've been happy

and I've felt all else other than it

and I've had focus

and I know what it's to have none anymore

and when people tell me upon seeing me

they see the slightest sliver of potential

all I want to do is tear and search my depths

to find and replace myself with

this person with the promise of a future

and I used to express and vent and rant

and I can't anymore

and I feel weighed down

by all that I want to say

but seem to not be able to say anymore

like a clueless helpless child

who needs her mama

and thoughts come and go

words appear, disappear

while motivation and I wait to greet one another

and I just wish to get to the person

you force yourself to see in me.